Today I discovered who I am.
I knew we were going to go into our studios when Sally said she brought her computer and speakers. I knew it was for the music that we use in class to help us get there. The music really helps me…gives me something that the noisy part of my brain can hook on to so that the quiet part of my brain can step forward.
Today was amazing. Amazing. I entered my studio after standing at the door for a while. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to enter because I’d been trying to all week on my own. (This week was terrible though, inside my head it was very dark…but this morning I woke up feeling so much better.) The door was open and I was going to close it, but I left it open just a bit—in case Love showed up again. There was something different in my studio. It was brighter. The air was more crisp and clean. I knew I was supposed to be there.
I went through the maze that always opens straight for me but would confuse anyone who tried to enter. I looked around. My studio is a circle shape. The grass was green and yellow, red, and orange leaves were all around…most still on the trees and some on the ground. I saw my swing-set and it’s two swings. I saw my bathtub on springs bouncing in the gentle breeze. I saw my shed where my tools and costumes are. I noticed that my vices cupboard was gone…but I thought to myself that I am so contented in my studio that my vices don’t mean a thing to me there.
We got the instructions to close our eyes and choose the costume we would be wearing. I closed my eyes and the clothes chose me. We were told to open our eyes and look at ourselves in the mirror. We were to really look. I saw my red wellies again. Red tights, wool skirt, cream-colored sweater, crazy colored scarf, chocolate brown cable knit mittens and a red hat. The only things that matched each other were the boots, tights and hat. Everything else was a mod-podge of color.
We were asked to look at ourselves and discover what we were the gods of. I looked in my mirror and I thought, “What? Am I the god of Red Wellies?”
“No,” said a soft voice, “You are the God of Fall.”
“I am? But I…” Then suddenly it all came into focus. Everything that has ever happened in my studio. The first day I entered from the spring-world outside into my fall-world inside. The freedom I felt there. The color of the sky. My ability to paint the leaves and the clouds with my paintbrush. Even the butterfly net that had too much power for me. Everything fell into place.
“I am the God of Fall?” I said, still doubting.
“You trust me.”
The instructions came: What can you do with your powers?
I smiled. Not because I had power, but because I was trusted with it. The Earth had given me power over Fall. I had my paintbrush in my hand but soon realized I didn’t need it. I made the frost appear and disappear. I made leaves turn to bright, brilliant colors and then I felt the wind.
“Let me fly.” And I went up into the air. I could see my studio from above. The maze of shrubs that keep everyone out. The green circle that is the center. The door that opens to let me in and the world of spring on the other side, and the space on all other sides that keeps my studio hidden from the rest of the world.
Our next instructions were: You find a message that you are invited to a party with all the other gods. You will find a door to enter and when you do, join the class as the god you are.
I found a blue door. I turned back to my studio. “Thank you, Earth, for trusting me. I’ll do a good job.” Then I opened the door and opened my eyes.
I stood tall. I felt beautiful. I saw so many other beautiful gods in the room with me. You should have seen their eyes! My friends! You should have seen their eyes!!
Today was amazing. I discovered who I am. Who I have always been. Who I always want to be. I am a beautiful woman of unimagined power.