Sunday, November 30, 2008

Help! My Haircut is Age Appropriate!!

I had a dream last night in which I was once again fighting the battle between good and evil. However, this time I didn’t get to the end of the fight because I was kidnapped by the evil side. He kidnapped me because he was in love with me. I didn’t mind being kidnapped because someone loved me. It was beautiful. Up to a point. Whenever I have dreams about someone being in love with me it always ends up that he disappears. Yep. Here is someone who finally falls in love with me enough to kidnap me to the evil side, but then, he disappears.

A bunch of times in dreams I’ve been sitting next to an empty chair telling everyone how much “he” loves me. I point to the empty chair and although my heart knows the chair is empty; my mind is trying so hard to convince those in my dream staring at the chair that there really is someone who would choose me from the crowd. The chair is empty. Always empty.

It’s so cruel that even my subconscious won’t even let me be loved.

Speaking of empty chairs…my friend Gregg will be leaving in December to go to a job in Reno. That means that there will be an empty chair on my left during church every Sunday. I’ll be taking applications, essays, and letters of recommendation for the next few weeks. Ben Stellmon is the current front runner, but he’ll only be sitting there part time, so that means there is still a slot. Then, when Dan leaves in May, there’ll be another slot. But I’m not talking about that right now.

Oh, and to top it all off…my dreams of NOT love, friends leaving, and all…my haircut is age appropriate and I feel old because of it. I have only two choices, wait until it grows or cut it off. Any suggestions?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

All My Happiest Sorrows...

Once in a while, I don't sleep. I lie there thinking thoughts that are better left un-thought. Tonight I decided I was going to think of the cruelest thing that exists on the earth. War, Poverty, Apathy, Famine. Pol Pot, Pinochet, Milošević, Nazis. Greed, Hatred, Torture, Disease. I thought of it all. Then in my addlepated mind I decided that the cruelest thing on earth today is Love.

All the other things I mentioned are done out of self-serving motives, but love: love is cruelest of all. Love destroys us piece by piece and seems so gleefully to enjoy the journey. Imagine a mother in a country dying of famine...the mother loves her child but has to watch that child die simply because there is nothing she can do. It is not the lack of food that does her in, it is her Love that destroys her.

Hatred kills the physical body, but love kills bits of us and we are expected to keep on living with scar on top of scar on top of scar and never find reprieve in the quietness of death that simple hatred can bring. Think of disease as it ravages a loved one's body. The disease is not malicious, its motive is quite simple. Then think of the horrors in life that are done in the name of love. What are the motives then?

Death will wrench a loved one out of our sight but it is our love for that person that continues to torture us in their absence. Our love for them causes us to shed tears. It is not the death we mourn, but the Love.

Someone offers us Love and we won't accept it. Because we know that love equals pain. Here are some questions for you: Why do we spend so much time trying to get the people we love to hate us as much as we hate ourselves? Why can't we accept that someone loving us RIGHT NOW gives us a clean slate? Who doesn't want a new starting place? But instead of accepting it and embracing it we feel we must "confess" to the one who loves us all of our past wrongs so that they too will look at us with the loathing we feel for ourselves. Even if we find someone truly magnanimous, will we accept it? No. We hate ourselves too much to accept that anyone could possibly love us and we sabotage ourselves.

Love binds us to places we don't want to be. Love sneaks up when we don't want it. It tears us down when we thought we couldn't get any lower. We cry over Love and think we're done only to discover that the thing we've cried over can hurt us in new and exciting ways over and over and over again--always thinking of new tactics; disguising itself so we let it in again only to have it rip us to shreds devouring the same scars it caused the first time. We think we've no more tears left to shed, but Love will prove us wrong and the floodgates will open and our faces will soak in the only true product of Love.

I would really like to sleep right now. I would really like to escape into the oblivion of unconsciousness. But my heart is broken and Love is cruelly keeping me awake because Love loves nothing more than watching us bathe in sorrows it brings.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Zombie Birthday

Who knew my birthday could last a week? Well, I'd always hoped--but this year it has nearly reached that mark! My birthday is the 9th and this year, it started on the 7th. Game night at my apartment, then Saturday birthday cards and wishes, Sunday my official birthday Dan took me out to dinner (rest of the story a bit further down) and all kinds of greetings, Monday and Tuesday more birthday wishes, Wednesday lunch with Colt Landon (who gave me a package of Chips Ahoy because he knows I love chocolate chip cookies) using my birthday coupon for Qdoba, and dinner with Dan and John. If something birthdayish shows up tomorrow then it will be a week of birthday!

About two weeks before my birthday arrived I started loosing the joy I usually have. I don't know why. I think mostly it was the feeling of impending doom. Either that or "Open Wide" Wednesday the 5th where I had a Doctor's Appointment and a Dentist appointment in the same day. Not pleasant. Anyway, come the day of my birthday the joy returned.

Dan took me to Smoky Mountain Pizza and gave me three presents! I was truly spoiled. He gave me a pair of wool socks which I need to wear inside my winter boots, a Serenity graphic novel--AWESOME, and a "Whack a Zombie" that you can see in the photo. He also had set up cake at Kylie's house. You know, for a guy who hates celebrating birthdays, he did a GREAT job for me because he knows how much I love my birthday. (Oh, we must not forget that at Dan's radio show he played The Smiths "Unhappy Birthday" for me over the airwaves! "I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday, 'cuz you're evil and you lied and if you should die I might feel slightly sad, but I won't cry.")

My family called and sang to me, which cracked me up. Mom sent me a t-shirt that reads: It's funny how you think I'm listening! Mom knows me so well. I've had a wonderful week.

Thank you Dan, Mom, Family, John, Colt, all those who wished me a happy birthday, and to Dan (again) for stepping out of your comfort zone to make my day (week!!) a memorable one.