The God of Red Wellies

The assignment was to discover what I was the god of. All I could think of was Flatulus the God of Wind from Terry Pratchett or Jeff the God of Biscuits from Eddie Izzard. What am I the god of? Unrequited love? I had no idea. I tried seeding my dreams as I was supposed to do. But my dreams trailed off because of the new medication I’m on, I’m sure.

Today I discovered who I am.

I knew we were going to go into our studios when Sally said she brought her computer and speakers. I knew it was for the music that we use in class to help us get there. The music really helps me…gives me something that the noisy part of my brain can hook on to so that the quiet part of my brain can step forward.

Today was amazing. Amazing. I entered my studio after standing at the door for a while. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to enter because I’d been trying to all week on my own. (This week was terrible though, inside my head it was very dark…but this morning I woke up feeling so much better.) The door was open and I was going to close it, but I left it open just a bit—in case Love showed up again. There was something different in my studio. It was brighter. The air was more crisp and clean. I knew I was supposed to be there.

I went through the maze that always opens straight for me but would confuse anyone who tried to enter. I looked around. My studio is a circle shape. The grass was green and yellow, red, and orange leaves were all around…most still on the trees and some on the ground. I saw my swing-set and it’s two swings. I saw my bathtub on springs bouncing in the gentle breeze. I saw my shed where my tools and costumes are. I noticed that my vices cupboard was gone…but I thought to myself that I am so contented in my studio that my vices don’t mean a thing to me there.

We got the instructions to close our eyes and choose the costume we would be wearing. I closed my eyes and the clothes chose me. We were told to open our eyes and look at ourselves in the mirror. We were to really look. I saw my red wellies again. Red tights, wool skirt, cream-colored sweater, crazy colored scarf, chocolate brown cable knit mittens and a red hat. The only things that matched each other were the boots, tights and hat. Everything else was a mod-podge of color.

We were asked to look at ourselves and discover what we were the gods of. I looked in my mirror and I thought, “What? Am I the god of Red Wellies?”

“No,” said a soft voice, “You are the God of Fall.”

“I am? But I…” Then suddenly it all came into focus. Everything that has ever happened in my studio. The first day I entered from the spring-world outside into my fall-world inside. The freedom I felt there. The color of the sky. My ability to paint the leaves and the clouds with my paintbrush. Even the butterfly net that had too much power for me. Everything fell into place.

“I am the God of Fall?” I said, still doubting.

“Yes.”

“You trust me.”

“Yes.”

The instructions came: What can you do with your powers?

I smiled. Not because I had power, but because I was trusted with it. The Earth had given me power over Fall. I had my paintbrush in my hand but soon realized I didn’t need it. I made the frost appear and disappear. I made leaves turn to bright, brilliant colors and then I felt the wind.

“Let me fly.” And I went up into the air. I could see my studio from above. The maze of shrubs that keep everyone out. The green circle that is the center. The door that opens to let me in and the world of spring on the other side, and the space on all other sides that keeps my studio hidden from the rest of the world.

Our next instructions were: You find a message that you are invited to a party with all the other gods. You will find a door to enter and when you do, join the class as the god you are.

I found a blue door. I turned back to my studio. “Thank you, Earth, for trusting me. I’ll do a good job.” Then I opened the door and opened my eyes.

I stood tall. I felt beautiful. I saw so many other beautiful gods in the room with me. You should have seen their eyes! My friends! You should have seen their eyes!!

Today was amazing. I discovered who I am. Who I have always been. Who I always want to be. I am a beautiful woman of unimagined power.

I Think I Figured It Out

This is a follow up to my post on the 14th.

I think I figured out what it means. I think.

The man who said he was Love was standing on the periphery and I was in my own space. First of all, he got in to my studio because I do want him there--I want Love there. I want to feel Love. I want to feel it until it overwhelms me and drowns me and I'll never come up for air.

anyway, he was standing at the edge because I wouldn't let him come further. I made that choice when I saw the "intruder" in my studio. I thought well, he might have gotten that far but he won't make it in any more.

I ignored him. I ignored Love. To the point that he finally had to speak to me to make me pay attention.

He spoke the truth. Total truth. Every word he said.

And I shouted at him and made him go away.

I want Love. But I'm so afraid of it.

I won't even take friend's love into my heart because I know, I KNOW, that they will move on and not even think about me again. Don't get me wrong, there are certain loves that I trust...My Daddy, My Mom, My family, My Kylie. But there are others that I just can't take in. No, that's not right...that's not True...there are others that I won't take in. Because I'm afraid.

It's sad. But I'm happy that my subconscious mind was willing to talk to my conscious.

Today I'm going back into my studio. I'm going to wait for Love to show up. And I'm going to see what happens when I invite him in.

Apparently I Love to Cheer

Kylie is a hoot. You know that? I'm so damn lucky to have her as my friend! Today after my "imagination" class I was zipping up my backpack and realized that there was a zipper pull on a zipper that had previously been naked. I looked at it. It read: I (heart) 2 Cheer. HA! I knew immediately that it was from Kylie. (She used to be a cheerleader and I LOVE to tease her about it. In fact, once we were talking about it and I told her that I prefer to imagine her--instead of being a cheerleader--as spending those years in juvie.)

Kylie, just in case i haven't said it lately: I Love You!

Now, this is totally unrelated in subject...but it was the class I was in when I noticed the zipper pull and it's an important story.

My meditation studio (the one inside my head)...you get to it by opening a door, walking through a maze of shrubs--English garden type maze--and into an open space with a swingset, a bathtub on springs, a shed and a cabinet. It's cool, but never cold. It's fall there--since fall is my favorite season. I was wearing a wool cap, gloves, scarf and sweater, a tweed skirt with red tights and some red wellies. I wish I had red wellies. Maybe I'll buy me some. Anyway, our first task was to find our tool. I got my fanbrush out from under the bathtub where I'd hidden it and discovered through the use of it that I could paint fall. It was BEAUTIFUL. I could paint the leaves, and the branches. I could paint me and I could make little snowflakes fall. I even painted the clouds.

Next we had to find a different tool. I found a butterfly net, but I knew something was wrong with it. It was too powerful. I tapped it on the ground and out came this power that changed the sky. It was AMAZING how the sky looked and I stood in awe staring at it for the longest time. The instructions were to use this new tool for more and more intense purposes. Instead I stared at it, frozen by its power and my "unworthiness" to use it.

Suddenly I realized I was not alone in my studio. There was a man watching me. I don't know how he got in...no one is supposed to get into my studio unless I invite them. He was in total shadow so he appeared only as a silhouette. This little dog ran up to me and I decided to ignore the man. But he stood there, watching me. Finally the power of the tool I had frightened me too much and I had to break it over my knee. It shattered into dust and was completely gone.

The next step was that we were to find a third tool, one that would come to us in a surprising way. I found a little rubber snake under a pile of fall leaves. It didn't feel like my tool, but I picked it up and wondered what it was for. How was I supposed to use this? Then the little dog took it from me and ran to where the man was standing.

"You're just pretending." He said to me. "This is not you."

"This is me." I insisted.

"You're not happy." He said.

"Yes, I am."

"No. There's something you want," he said. "You want Love."

"I know!" I shouted and then realized that the tool I was searching for was my own voice. My voice allowing me to say the things that I hide deep inside under my "I have to do this all by myself" ness.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I am Love." He said.

"Then LOVE!" the sound came out of me, from my toes, from my deepest spaces! I screamed! It was a primal scream that lasted from my first breath until my last. I screamed and screamed and screamed! The dog barked and the man...when I opened my eyes...was gone.

I don't know what this means about me. If you have any insight, whatever you think, I'd like to hear it. I don't know what this means. I'm terribly curious.

Sally and Jamie's class is amazing. I hope all of you get the chance to take it. The things I'm learning about me...even though they don't always make sense...are incredible.