- One of my favorite lines comes from Beckett's Waiting for Godot. I love this line because it sums up so much of what goes on inside my head when it comes to relationships. It's when Estragon shouts at Vladimir: Don't touch me! Don't question me! Don't speak to me! Stay with me!
Anyway, back to the exercise.
I stood there staring at the beautiful face of David and I started to think about that giant empty space inside of me that wants to be filled up with love. You remember, when in my studio I wouldn't let love in...well, that space. I opened up that space. Laid it bare, spread myself and my fears open waiting for the ridicule, and the rejection, and then I looked at David and said, "I don't need you."
He took a step toward me. He closed the gap and I almost started crying (if I could cry, I would have). If only you could have felt the joy that came up in my heart to see him come toward me! He walked up to me and I hugged him. We hugged so tightly for the longest time!
This space I have, the one that wants to be filled, scares people when I open it up to them. I know, I've seen it happen over and over and over. Ive learned to use it as a defense mechanism. "Here, let me show you how much I need you. Oh, you don't want to be needed that much? That's fine, I knew you couldn't handle it in the first place. That's fine, go away. I knew you would." It doesn't make sense, but it's true. Maybe I've done this to you. Maybe you've done it to others.
"I don't need you." I said, but just like Estragon what I really meant was "Stay with me!"
Here I stand, in front of you, maybe less than five feet away. I open my heart to this bare, raw, space. I've taken down the walls so you don't have to. You see it, all of who I am. My fears, my hopes, my frailties, my strengths, my desires, my utter need to be loved. I lay all this out for you too see. What will you do when my voice says, "I don't need you"?