Saturday, May 31, 2008

Welcome Mats & Why I Love My Family

My front door is under a pine tree that drops needles like crazy! They're everywhere, in my car, in my shoes, and all over the floor of my apartment. To try to cut down on the invasion into my apartment, I wanted to buy a welcome mat. This caused a dilemma. I am not entirely convinced that a Welcome right at the door will keep out the vampires.

One night I voiced my concern to my Mom and my brother Randy. Randy told me that the vampires have to be invited in and I said I was worried that the "welcome" at the door could be considered an invitation. Mom said that I should get a cross and a wooden stake and leave them outside the door so that the vampires would know that I was prepared for them. Both of them continued to give me preventative measures I could take to keep the vampires out.

Suddenly I started laughing. "I love my family," I said. "I tell you that I'm worried that vampires will come in my house and you both just tell me ways to keep them out. Neither one of you said that vampires don't exist!"

"Would it have done any good?" Asked Mom.

No. That's true. But, just so you'll know, here's a photo of my welcome mat:

Friday, May 16, 2008

All That's Feminine About Me

I was thinking the other day about dressing up. Not in a costume, but in nice girl clothes more appropriate to my age.

But you see, there's a problem. I'm nearly six foot tall. Girl clothes are designed for women who are much shorter than that. When I dress up I feel like a man in drag. (Thus explaining the "Priscilla Queen of the Desert" photo.) My shoulders are broad, not narrow. My hips are boys hips and I walk like my brothers.

I do have a pretty smile and girly hands, but other than that I feel that nothing about me is feminine. I had to ask a friend--when I was 22 years old--how to put make up on because I didn't know how to. I don't know how to walk in girl shoes, besides, I have so many problems with my feet that I have to wear inserts in my shoes. I keep hoping that someone will look past my inability to be feminine and love me anyway.

Kelly Q. wants me to write from my fears. Okay. Here is my greatest fear: I am afraid I am going to spend my life alone.

I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I have a lot of friends that are guys, but they don't want to date me. They love me. They want me to be around. But something is wrong with me that makes them never want to get closer.

I have tried to be feminine. I have been thin with long hair (which is what men are supposed to like, right?) but I don't want to be looked at as a sexual object. I really don't. I want to be LOVED. I want to spend my life with someone who is interesting and exciting even after I've known him for sixty years.

I have tried to ask what's wrong with me, but NO ONE will tell me. How can I fix it if no one will tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I don't want to spend my life alone, I really don't. But what can I expect if I look like a man in drag?

Friday, May 09, 2008

Feel Free to Call Me Master

Finally! It's done! This semester was a long one and it almost wore me out. Only one really bad nervous-type breakdown and a few weeks of depression, but it's done. I now have a Masters of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the Department of Theatre and Film at the University of Idaho! It's done!

To celebrate, I went to Good Will and bought myself a six dollar pair of shoes. I wanted to throw myself a party, I mean, a Masters degree! That's a hell of a lot of work and deserves some praise, right? Well, my friends and I are all really poor so I celebrated with used shoes and a queso burrito from Qdoba. We all celebrate our own ways.

Now I'm going to sleep for a week.

And try to catch up with everyone I left at the side. That is if 1) you remember me and 2) you'll forgive me for my lack of communication!!

Well, that's all. My sleeping week is starting now!