Monday, September 26, 2011
I guess I didn't realize how much I missed him until today. I was leaving work and going down the hallway of the Administration Building on campus. When I looked up there was DAN!
OK, it wasn't Dan. It was a guy built like Dan with his hair cut really short, wearing glasses and carrying a skateboard.
My heart actually skipped with joy and I wanted to shout "Dan!" and give him a big hug. Instead, I realized it wasn't Dan and I just smiled and walked on my way.
I miss you, Dan. I am really looking forward to seeing you this Winter!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
So…I finally got to see “Sucker Punch” and it made me cry.
Now, you have to understand that I rarely cry about ANYTHING. Sure, movies like “Life is Beautiful” and “Everything is Illuminated” are supposed to make people cry, and I did, but there are numerous times in life that I could have cried over something real or otherwise, but I just don’t cry. Not that I’m callous, I feel things very deeply, I’m just not always good at showing on my face what I feel inside. My brother once said that if someone showed up at my door and offered me a million dollars I’d simply smile and say thanks. While this is an exaggeration, I just try not to let things get to me. (There was a guy in the theatre department who always tried to get me to be embarrassed and it never worked. One day he said, to me, “Would you like to see my penis?” and I just said, “Not right now…maybe later.” He started laughing and said, “I just can’t get to you, can I?”) I believe the reason I am like this comes from when I was little…probably 12ish…I got really mad at my little brother for not helping me with something and the anger I expressed was terrifying to me. I decided at that time that I would NEVER be that kind of person. I feel things very deeply, like I said, but I never want to lose control so I hold on. Anyway, I do express what I feel, it’s just that I’ve learned to control what are usually considered “negative” emotions.
Back to the movie...the entire time I was watching the movie I was wishing that I were petite like the girls in the show. I hate being big…not only tall (basically 6’) but on the big size of things. (Even when I’m the right weight for my body type and height I still weigh 185 lbs—and that’s the weight I’m supposed to be!) I wished throughout the movie that I were 5’5” and 120 lbs and never more. The movie was great with strong women being heroes and taking on all kinds of bad guys. I sat there the entire time wishing I were someone other than me. The movie was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it. When it ended, its final lines were:
“Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!”
I started crying right there. There are so many things I want to do with my life…so many good things I know I can do…but I’m afraid! How can I possibly take on the world (or even just my part of it)? Who am I that anyone would listen to me? How can I have faith in me when it feels like no one else does? Basically I was crying because of the contradiction I am: I want to do more but I am afraid to try! The light of the world was speaking to me through that movie telling me that I have the weapons I need…I just need to start the fight.
That’s why I cried at “Sucker Punch.”
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I dreamed that I had no hair, pale white skin, and odd lumpy growths all over. (If you watch “Pandorum,” you’ll know why this was in my dream—the rest of my dream is not sci-fi related.) I was trying to save other people who looked like me who were being hunted down and put into camps because we weren’t normal.
In my dream, David Boreanaz (who has become the one who always “rescues” me in dreams like this) was there and he was helping me.
Now, the important part: He was in love with me. Totally in love with everything I was. He didn’t care what I looked like because he loved all the REAL parts of me—the parts I want to be loved for.
I woke up feeling loved for the right reasons. If I could find someone who wants me to be around every day in his future because he can’t imagine a future without me, I would be so happy. I am NOT interested in being loved for what I look like. The truth is, if a guy mentions anything about wanting to be “physical” with me in anyway, I don’t want to date him.
That’s three dreams now in which David Boreanaz has loved me completely because of everything I am and nothing at all because what I look like. My hotness is just a bonus to him.