Monday, March 27, 2006

An Idiot's Guide to Snow

It has been snowing here...a lot of snow...too much snow. So, what do people do when there is snow? They go skiing and snow boarding and sledding! So, with some friends (Doug, Adam, Katie R. and Caitlin) we did something daring. We took a sled with a long string attached to steer with and we went sliding down the hill by Bishop Walker’s house. It was fun taking turns sliding on our stomachs and just sitting in the sled. It was cold but we didn’t mind. Then someone...I think it was Doug...had the idea of STANDING on the sled and seeing who could get the farthest down the hill.

Doug did a pretty good job. He got pretty far before he took a dive. Caitlin did ok, too. Adam lost the sled before he got on and then he chased it all the way down the hill. By the time he brought it up, he was too tired to go again, so it was my turn. I stood on the sled, went about two feet and then jumped off because I was scared. So I pulled the sled up and tried again.

Caitlin held the sled still until I was on correctly and then she let go. It took just a couple of seconds and I was going pretty fast. Then I started to freak out...I was going really fast, standing on a sled, and I don’t even like to slide in my socks on the linoleum floor. By this time I was going REALLY fast...and the sled hit a weed sticking up from the ground. I went flying...landed first on my hand, and then on my head. Snow flew up into the air from my feet and I landed on my back in the snow. I was only wearing a sweatshirt instead of a coat, so the snow went up my back and down my pants. It was really cold. I lay there for a moment to decide if I was still alive–“Sanka, ya dead?” “Yeah, mon.” (Cool Runnings) When I determined that I was in fact still living...and by some miracle still holding the string of the sled, I got up and took the sled back up for someone else to try.

Let me just say that there are things that old ladies like me shouldn’t of them is trying to stand up on a sled as it careens down a steep slope.

Today I am covered in bruises...but I feel a little braver!

Letter to Katie

April 14, 2005
Hi Katie,

How are you today? I’m glad you enjoyed your quiz and I’m also glad that you did well on it. In answer to some of your questions:

• Ecuador: Um, only if your parents are paying for my ticket and expenses, otherwise the farthest I can go is Pullman. (They could sell one of their planes.)
• The disappearing tree: It’s just a tree whose shadow went perfectly across the sidewalk so that anyone walking would “disappear” for just a second.
• And NO, none of the game players is “Mr. Cheese”. I’ve invited him a couple of times to play, but his only experience with the game was him against a married couple so he hates the game, which is unfortunate because we all have such a fabulous time playing.

You know that all my stories are long and complicated. Here’s the latest one:
When we play “Settlers of Catan” I usually have T.J. as my “pretend” boyfriend for the night. Well, Tennille had a dream that featured T.J. as her date, so I was teasing her about stealing my pretend boyfriend. So, one night T.J. was not available for the game, so I asked Joe if he’d be my pretend boyfriend, he said that he would. Then I found out that Tennille had asked him to the dance on Saturday night. She’s stolen both of my pretend boyfriends. But Joe said he’d be my boyfriend all the way until this Friday...mostly because he’s going on another date with Tennille on Saturday! However, this Sunday Joe was over playing Settlers and he gave me the cutest little compliment...and then he gave me a cupcake. I told Christina that he’s the best pretend boyfriend I’ve ever had. She said that she likes him better than all the other real guys I’ve liked. Joe likes being teased about having two girlfriends and me and her fighting over him. So, it’s good that he’s having fun, too.

Date, engagement, argument and it’s done:
The following is a conversation Joel Harris and I had during church–writing back and forth in my “Happy Bunny” tablet:

ME: Niki is really pretty and very kind and she likes to run–I don’t know how smart she is, but I think you should get to know her better–or are you stuck on blondes?

JOEL: No, but the only time I will run is either from a dog or the cops. I have thought about asking her out though.

ME: Me too (about the running!)–I think we’re meant for each other! What’s the blonde girlie’s name?

JOEL: I don’t think we are sitting next to each other by chance! Chantel.

ME: Oh, yes. I remember. So, do we need to set a goal by when you’ll ask her out–or can you handle it w/out outside help?

JOEL: I can handle it! Hey, let’s date!

ME: Ok, but we need to date at least two weeks before we get engaged.

JOEL: No, better yet, let’s get engaged now! Hell we’re Mormon aren’t we?

ME: Yes–we are! Let the rumors fly! Do you want to date Niki and Chantel first?

JOEL: Ok, back on topic. I really don’t know yet. My family goes by a term: Timing is everything.

ME: Ah, I see...well, good luck then! But, you can be my “pretend boyfriend”.

JOEL: Um.............okay.

(Pause in the writing)

JOEL: You don’t let me breathe...that’s it, we are through.

Joel’s a nut. But a cute one.

James thinks he’s in charge.
So, T.J. and Paul (I don’t know Paul’s last name...he’s listed in my phone as Paul Catan because he’s one of those that we can call if we can’t find a 6th for the game.) came on Sunday night to play Settlers, but they brought this kid in a stripy shirt named James. He comes in, sits down and gets all in-chargy. Well, that didn’t last long at all. Joe (my pretend boyfriend) was being the banker and after James said something dumb Joe said, “Hey, be nice to my girlfriend!” Eventually, I had to let James know, in an ever so subtle yet completely SCORPIO way, that he was not to come into my group and start bossing us all around. Next time at the games there will be no James.

Walnuts and Stradivarius:
John and I went to a trio concert where this gentleman was playing on a million dollar violin. ACK! I don’t even trust myself to hold anything I know costs more than I can make in a any piece of china! I don’t own any expensive jewelry just because it could be lost. I buy most of the things I own at Good Will so if they’re lost or broken I don’t have to feel guilty about it! All I can say is ACK!

A guy walked in and sat down in the row over from us. John said (somewhat incredulously), “He brought a novel.”

“He didn’t have a friend to bring.” I said.

“Thanks for being my friend so I didn’t have to bring a book.” said John.

Anyway, before the concert started I told John that I want to be a cello when I grow up. (He said, “Good luck with that.”) And I was very happy about it because then I’d get to be a tree first for at least 50 years. But then I realized I didn’t know what kind of tree to be. So, I asked “John, do they make violins and cellos out of certain types of wood?” (Because I’d like to be an oak so squirrels will live in me; they could bury the acorns by my toes, run up my body and arms and live in my hair. But in the end I’d probably just be a door, or a shelf, or some cupboards.) He told me that they usually use spruce or walnut trees to make cellos.

The concert began–the page turner was the cutest little old man! He was absolutely adorable! He was kind of a cross between Einstein and Mr. Tudball. The concert was absolutely amazing. It started out with a piece by a Spanish composer and it was actually my favorite of the three pieces. (They played a prelude from Shostakovich at the end which was hauntingly beautiful and ethereal.) The whole thing was so fabulous.

At the end of the concert as we were walking to John’s truck, I said, “If I’m going to be a cello, I’ll have to be a spruce, because I’m allergic to walnuts.”

“I don’t think it works that way.” he said.

“So, if I’m a walnut tree I won’t break out in cankers?” I asked.

“You’ll break out in walnuts.” he said.

I told that story to Trish at work and she enjoyed the childlike way I looked at life (I believe that is the greatest gift God has given to me). Then I told her that maybe I already was a walnut tree and that’s why I’m allergic, because it’s kind of like cannibalism. But, sadly, I don’t remember the cello part of my life. But, maybe that’s why I love them so much...maybe that’s why they speak to my heart like they do.

But I still wish squirrels would live in my hair.

Well, that’s all today...a shorter letter, of sorts.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Second Letter

Hi Katie,

How are you today? I loved the letter you sent me. It was a hoot. Sorry to hear about the sinking of “Metrosexual Dreamboat”. It’s sad. But, you’re right, trying to find all those qualities in a man is almost as difficult as a man trying to find all those qualities in a woman. Wait. That isn’t what I meant. I meant to say something more empowering of women everywhere. How about this quote from Rosanne: “The quickest way to a man’s heart, is through his chest.”
Right now the major qualities I’m looking for in a man are “Good Listener” and “Straight”. That’s a tough combination, but it is possible.

This is the email I sent to EVERYONE in my address book:
Ok, I've never done this before in my entire life...I just took a drink of my milk that said it expired on the 17th of April. But April of what year, I don't know because IT WAS CHUNKY!! I am SO GROSSED OUT RIGHT NOW! I spit it out and I drank the rest of my D.P. a bunch of water, brushed my teeth and am still just grossed out BEYOND WORDS! I think I'm going to die a chunky-milk-poisony-death! I am SO GROSSED OUT!!

These are the responses I received:
• That wasn't milk -- that was the plaster of paris for my latest and greatest art project, "Mountains of Kansas." (Bridges of Madison County was already taken . . .)
I expect you to put every drop back where you found it . . .

• Quick! There is only one remedy. Find the nearest cute guy and request, no, DEMAND he give you mouth to mouth. (With tongue.) It will save your life! (Only if it is with tongue.) Ryan

• yes, I noticed a funny smell as I walked to the office today... maybe the milk is rusting your brain...ha,ha. Monika

• Oh poor Maaike, how horrible. I suppose you could think of it as "almost yoghurt". But then again it doesn't taste nice at all. I've done nearly the same thing but my chunky milk went into a cup of tea - yuk. If it helps at all, I'm am feeling GROSSED OUT for you as well.
love Sally

• Swedes drink Chunky rotten milk all the time. After awhile, one gets used to it. Think of that the next time you eat butter or cheese. It's just chunky milk (with a little tuna fish mixed in). Robert

• I'm sympathizing my watch with yours. I've had the same experience at least twice in my life once with chocolate milk, and once I drank a full glass of sour milk because I was eating a piece of lemon cake with it and I didn't taste the sour milk until the after taste had set in. Yuck!!!!! But that is nothing compared to the grossness of eating meat that was crawling with maggots. It was not on purpose. Maggots taste even worse than sour milk. I hope you have a better day.
Love Al ( you never know I might be listening)

• Aaaaah... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Skeeter (Stephen)

• The chunky milk is yoghurt, so it is quite OK to drink, you could have put it in the blender with some strawberries and had a refreshing smoothie........Ha Ha! Maria

• Maaike, think about it, cockroaches eat our chunky milk and well preserved twinkies all the time and they are still here. Shesh. . . what were you thinking. Anyways, you'll probably be fine until you get really old, then it will come back to haunt you like a crazy acid flash back, ha ha. Aubrey

• I poisoned you muuuhahahahahahaha Elizabeth

• Snerk!!!! I am sorry, but the mental image of you spurting cottage chunk milk just made me laugh!!!! Chew a package of Orbit and you will have a clean mouth. Jana

• I can't believe you sent an email to all those people and told them about the nasty milk you drank. You are so funny, I just love you. Erin

Maaike gets some long needed hugging!
You know, there are times when a human body just aches for a hug. Sometimes we can find someone to give them to us, like a parent, or a sibling. Sometimes a friend will come through in a pinch. But most of the time we muddle through life seriously in need of a hug but unwilling to ask for one. Sunday was such a day for me. I was feeling ill, sad and unwanted–or as we like to call it: Human.

But, it didn’t stay that way. I went to conference despite the fact that my head was throbbing from my newly acquired head cold. I sat by Jade and Ben and then Caleb and his roomies sat on the other side of me. After a bit, I laid my head down on Caleb’s shoulder...and nearly fell asleep. He’s such a good kid, that Caleb is. Rather enigmatic, really, but very kind and giving.

When I got home TJ called. He’d forgotten that it was conference, so he went to church but no one was there. I invited him over to hang out with us. After dinner we were waiting for Matt to show up to play some “Settlers of Catan”. We have an “L” shaped couch and TJ was laying on the long side of it. I laid down on the shorter side of it and put my head on his chest. He had has arm around me in such a convenient way that I got to hold his hand. We laid there for a bit and he told me that he’s sure he doesn’t make a very good pillow because he laughs too much. Then I read his palm. When Matt showed up we played the game. was so nice to just be loved for a moment.

Then Ben came over and he always gives me a hug and an “I love you”. By the end of the evening I felt very loved. I think I should have more days like that.

Squirrelly Wrath!
I was walking to work carrying a spoon–well, that’s interesting in and of itself, but that’s not the point of the story–the story is that there was this squirrel. It was running across the, run, run, leap..into the Disappearing Tree. It didn’t run up the tree, however, he just kind of sat there part way up the trunk. He had his back to me and when I approached, he turned around and stared at me with this, “Hey! Whatcha lookin’ at! Yeah, bring it on! I’m not scared of you human!” I saw the ire with which the squirrel was nearly foaming over.

“Hi squirrel.” I said then started laughing. He looked at me with fire in his eyes as if I had no right to laugh at his squirrelly wrath. The he leaned his head back and watched me finish walking up the sidewalk.

“Hey!” said the squirrel, “Come back! Didn’t you used to be a tree!”

I bet that’s the squirrel that Jeff was doing the impression know, the one that bit him?

Now...about the spoon:
Yes, I was walking to work carrying a spoon. This was with a purpose, but I figured what a better way for the elusive "Mr. Eight" (boyfriends 1-7 failed so miserably) to have an excuse to strike up a conversation. He’d see me across the tree lined (squirrel infested) path carrying my spoon and say to himself, “Who is that woman? She’s beautiful. Why is she carrying a spoon? I must know.” Then he’d walk up to me in all is Goran Visnjic-y-like glory and say, with his beautiful accent, “Hello, you are the most intriguing woman I’ve ever seen. Why are you carrying a spoon?”

I’d say, “I can sum that up for you in two words: Fish soup.” Then he’d look at me with that same face you are pulling at this very moment...a cross between “What the...?” and “Yuck!” Kind of comes out as “Bleh....?” He’d look at me with his blue eyes glinting and a crooked smile, “I can take you away from a world filled with fish soup and bring you into a world of more identifiable food.”

“Sounds good.” I say, then I’d kick him in the shin and say, “Where the f#@* have you been?”

That’s why I was carrying a spoon.

John DOES NOT have I.M.
MD: Hey, do you have IM...this would be fun to chat.
JW: no
MD: well, you’ll just have to burn in hell then
JW: likely
MD: I'll send you an of the blue ones
JW: assuming you're not also there. seems like a big leap.

The Bloody Spoon Does Me No Bloody Good:
You know what makes for a bad day? I’ll tell you: not being able to heat up the lunch you didn’t want to eat in the first place in the microwave at work because your boss doesn’t like the smell of fish. I didn’t bloody want the bloody fish soup in the first place but it was all I had for lunch because I was too damn poor to get anything else. So not only did I carry the stupid fish soup up to work with me, but I had to carry it home, too. So not only did the spoon fail in its fantasy purpose of helping me find Mr. Eight, it also failed to be useful in a normal spoon-like fashion. Now, on some level, I understand the wrath stirred up in The Tick as he yelled his battle cry “Spoon!” (“The roof! What a perfect place to fight crime!)

Teddy Jessup is the cutest little boy in the World:
I was supposed to go watch Ted play soccer on Wednesday night, but I ended up calling Kylie and canceling (bad soup day on top of other things). But before Ted’s game stated, Kylie and Ted showed up at my house with dinner for me and the cutest little card that Kylie had made. (She’s so good to me...she’s the BEST mean friend I’ve ever had!) Anyway, Ted says, “Maybe Maaike could show us her house.” I showed Ted around the apartment. When we were in the living room he said, “And what about that closet?” So I opened the closet and showed him the boxes, ironing board and coats that hang there. Then he walked to the window and said, “I just can’t believe how high up we are.” We sat on the back of the couch looking out the windows and Ted told me that it would take a very long time to walk all the way to the mountains.
Ted is such a cute boy and he is SO SMART!

My horoscope is as useless as ever:
'Secret' is like 'scarlet,' if you mix up the syllables and add an 'L' and don't get too hung up on the 'ee' versus 'ah' sound. Scarlet is blood red. Red blood is what keeps your heart pumping.

And that’s supposed to inspire me to do what?

Another Squirrel Story:
There was this squirrel on the Hello walk. It was, as squirrels are wont to do, eating something using both hands. He was just sitting there gnawing away. I said, “Hi, squirrel.” It immediately dropped what it was eating and looked at me as if I had offered it the Holy Grail of whatever squirrels would consider the Holy Grail. “I’m sorry squirrel, I don’t have anything.” I said. He continued standing with its little arms hanging against the lighter colored fur of his stomach. I felt guilty for giving the squirrel false hope of a better meal. Too bad I couldn’t have given him the soup.

Ok, Katie. I think that’s all for today. I can’t believe there’s only three weeks left of school. That means I have only three weeks of work left...then I have to figure out what I’m doing for the summer. And the rest of my life. Ack. Better not think of that. Squirrels...think of squirrels. But not spoons. They still make my cranky.

Love ya!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Rita Hayworth Fan Club

The Rita Hayworth Fan Club
by Maaike Davidson
copyright 2006

Marjorie an old lady.
Ted a very old man.
Fred a very, very old man.
Attendant from the home.
Mailman (same actor as Attendant).
Mrs. Littleton (no lines).

In an Old Folks home. One side of the stage will represent the entrance to the home, the other side the free world. Fred (Scottish accent?) is sitting on a bench, he has a walker (or, if that is unavailable a cane). Ted–who has his glasses sitting on top of his head–walks in and sits next to him.

Fred: (To himself) Where is that stupid mail man?

Ted: Fred, have you seen my glasses.

Fred: Are you daft I haven’t seen anything since 1992.

Ted: I’ve got to find my glasses.

Fred: What do I care about glasses. I haven’t crapped since Tuesday.

Ted: (Sitting down next to Fred) Tuesday? (Thinking) What did we eat Tuesday?

Fred: I don’t know...something (beat) round.

Ted: A pancake?

Fred: Don’t think so.

Ted: An orange?

Fred: I don’t know what it was.

Ted: Did you eat the plate?

Fred: May’ve done, the stuff they give us here lacks all actual qualities of food.


Ted: I’ve got to find those glasses

Fred: Why’s it so important (Thinking, then...) It’s not bingo night is it?

Ted: No. (Leans in conspiratorially) I was just walking past the lounge when I overheard Estell say that Francine is at the shop getting her hair dyed red.

Fred: Red? Ah that ain’t nothin’.

Ted: No, she dyed it red.

Fred: I’m blind. Not deaf.

Ted: No, it’s RED, like a crayola.

Fred: Granola’s not red.

Ted: Cray-ola. You know, a crayon. Red like that.

Fred: You need your glasses to see colors?

Ted: I just want to see her in focus. Ooo, that Francine gets my blood racing!

Fred: Even if it races it ain’t gonna do much once it gets to the finish line.

Ted: What does that mean?

Fred: Around here, the only way any of us get erect is with the help of a walker (or cane, whatever he has) and even then we still look like a parenthesis. In fact, get me and old man Withers face-to-face and you’ve got the set.

Ted: (Looking at him, imagining the scene, but then returning to his original thought) RED hair. Not “I Love Lucy” red or even Rita Hayworth, but fire-truck red. Like a comic book super hero.

Fred: A super hero?

Ted: Like Wonder Woman.

Fred: Do you think she’s gonna fly in here and sweep you away to another world?

Ted: (Dreamily) She’s fantastic!

Fred: She’s an octogenarian! If there’s any flying it’ll end in hip replacement, mark my words. Look, I don’t care about any of that hoop-dee-do, I’d be more excited about a momentous bowel movement.

Marjorie walks in.

Marjorie: Hi Ted. (Nods) Fred.

Ted: Hi Marj.

Fred: Hi.

Marjorie: (Ted scoots down the bench to make room for her) You guys hear about Tony?

Fred: (Disgusted by the rumor-mongering, he grunts.) Huh.

Marjorie: He went to the Funeral home this morning for Nancy’s viewing and now he’s refusing to leave.

Ted: I didn’t know he and Nancy were that close.

Marjorie: They’re not. He just keeps shouting, “I’m 96! What’s the point of going home?”

Fred: He’s got a point.


Ted: (To Marjorie) Did you hear about Francine?

Fred: (Loudly to no one) When is the mailman coming today?

Marjorie: What’s that hussy up to now?

Ted: She’s dying her hair red.

Marjorie: So what? She’s had red hair ever since it turned gray.

Ted: This time she dying it real red.

Fred: (rejoining the conversation) Like Granola.

Ted: CRAY-OLA. Get with it Fred, don’t you have grand children?

Fred: How the hell would I know

Marjorie: (to herself) More like great-GREAT grand children.

Ted: RED hair. I just can’t get over it.

A little old woman in a housecoat and slippers goes by in front of them. She is shuffling as quickly as she can, it’s a slow pace, but she is determined and has a look on her face as if she is winning the hundred-yard-dash. Ted and Marjorie watch, Fred leans his head to listen. They sit in silence as she passes.

Fred: (After she is gone) Was that Mrs. Littleton?

Ted: Yep.

Marjorie: (Impressed) Look at her go

Ted: She is spry, isn’t she?

Fred: That’s why she keeps escaping. She’s wiry, that one.

Marjorie: (Shouting support, standing waving her arm) Go, Mrs. Littleton, Go!


Fred: It’s not a holiday is it?

Marjorie: I don’t think so.

Fred: I was just wondering about the post...

Ted: (His mind always on Francine’s hair) It’ll be a holiday once Francine gets back from the salon.

Fred: Oh, is it “Idiots on Parade” Day already? And here’s me without my hat.

Ted: (Ignoring him) It’ll be Valentine’s Day. I’ll have the courage to walk right up to her...

Marjorie: Those aren’t her real legs, you know.

Ted: (His mind back to it’s only thought) RED hair I can’t believe it!

Marjorie: Her son paid for the varicose vein surgery... She’s not really a red-head, and there’s a half dozen men here who can vouch for that.

An attendant from the home walks out.

Attendant: Have you folks seen Mrs. Littleton?

Ted: Not this morning.

Marjorie: I think she’s in the TV lounge.

Attendant: And you Fred?

Fred: (pointing to his face) Still blind.

Attendant: Well, if you see her, let me know.

He turns to leave.

Fred: Hey, today’s not a holiday is it?

Attendant: No.

Fred: Is it Sunday?

Attendant: Nope, Friday, Mr. Boyd.

Fred: Ok, just wondering. I’ll keep an eye out for Mrs. Littleton. (Beat) So to speak.

Attendant: Thanks.

The attendant leaves the way he came in.

Marjorie: It’s their own fault, you realize.

Fred: How’s that?

Marjorie: They started it with bringing in those yoga instructors. Mrs. Littleton was happy sitting in her chair, but they got her all excited about moving again.


Marjorie: Did you guys hear about Tony?

Fred: He’s still sitting at the funeral home.

Marjorie: What about Francine?


Marjorie: Well, it sounds like you’re up on all the latest gossip. (She stands) I’m off to the rec room.

Fred: Hey, Marjorie, the mail hasn’t come yet, has it?

Marjorie: Nope, not yet.

Fred: Thanks.

Marjorie leaves. Ted watches her go and while he is looking into the building he sees Francine inside. He is very happy to see her.

Ted: There she is

Fred: Who? Mrs. Littleton?

Ted: No, Francine. (he says the name with deep admiration and awe.) She looks fantastic

Fred: Did she bring the granola? I’m already backed up.

Ted: I wish I’d found my glasses Oh well, I’m going in. (He stands then turns to Fred to say...) RED HAIR

He exits. Fred sits quietly on the bench. Mrs. Littleton shuffles by in the background carrying a flower in a pot*. Pause. The mailman, carrying a handful of mail, walks up to him.

Mailman: Hi Fred How are you feeling?

Fred: Feeling? You tell me.

Mailman: Sorry, Fred, no letters today. Maybe tomorrow.

Fred: (Obviously saddened) Then how I’m feeling is like I stole Fate’s woman and am being severely punished for it.

Mailman: (trying to be helpful) Maybe tomorrow.

Fred: Yeh, I guess.

Mailman: (holding up the mail for the home) I’m going to go drop these off. I’ll talk to you later. (He exits).

Fred sits on the bench, shifting slightly, uncomfortably. Ted re-enters. Giddy. Sits down next to Fred.

Ted: I did it I talked to her.

Fred: Who? The hussy?

Ted: Francine’s going to sit by me tonight when we watch The Wheel.

Fred: How’s her hair?

Ted: Red as passion! (He points to his chest) I can feel it moving inside.

Fred: I can feel it, too. (Smiling) Something’s moving inside of me. Tonight’s the night I get rid of Tuesday’s dinner

Ted: (beat) You don’t care about anyone but yourself, do you, Fred. Can’t you just be happy for me? I’ve been sitting here all day trying to work up the courage to talk to her and I did and all you can give me in an update on your digestive tract. I’m going back inside.

Fred: Sorry, Ted. Good luck with Francine.

Ted: Thanks. (Beat) I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Ted exits. Mrs. Littleton walks behind him again carrying the flower pot and a mannequin leg.

Fred: I hate this place.

Fade out. Or whatever.

* The items carried by Mrs. Littleton can vary by what is available as props or directors/actors needs.

Alien Ennui


Human #1–a male in his 20's
Human #2–a male in his 20's
Alien–a beautiful woman

Darkness. Shouting. The lights come up. Human #1 and Human #2 are sitting in chairs on opposite ends of the stage. Human #1 is taller than Human #2.

HUMAN #1: What the...? What...?

HUMAN #2: Who’s that?

HUMAN #1: What the...?

HUMAN #2: Who are you?

HUMAN #1: Were we...

HUMAN #2: ...abducted. By aliens.

HUMAN #1 starts shouting again.

HUMAN #2: We’ve covered that already.

HUMAN #1: Sorry Forgive me for being freaked out In your opinion, oh great one, what do we do next?

HUMAN #2: Can you get out of your chair?

HUMAN #1 tries, but cannot move out of the chair.

HUMAN #1: Nope. You?

HUMAN #2 tries.

HUMAN #2: No.

HUMAN #1: Excellent, Einstein. That worked well. Can I go back to screaming now?

HUMAN #2: Perhaps remaining calm would be better.

HUMAN #1: Calm? One minute I’m at a bank ATM trying to get twenty bucks to buy a burger, next thing I know I’m sucked up into the air and find myself stuck to a chair inside some kind of previously non-existent space ship with Mr-Perhaps-We-Should-Remain-Calm

HUMAN #1 begins shouting again. ALIEN walks in looking like the humans only she is wearing a lab coat and a large sign around her neck that reads “Alien”. And she is carrying a clipboard. She looks at the screaming human.

ALIEN: That will be enough of that.

HUMAN #1 stops shouting, but HUMAN #2 starts.

ALIEN: (to HUMAN #2) Please.

HUMAN #1: Hah Mr. Calm, “Do as I say, not as I do ” Where’s your nonchalance now?

ALIEN: Hmm “nonchalance” that’s one I haven’t heard in a while. Usually it’s just a lot of expletives. (ALIEN writes something down on the clipboard.) Ok, now on to the testing.

HUMAN #2: Testing? What do you mean testing?

HUMAN #1: Oh, man What are you going to do? (beat) No probes! No probes!

ALIEN pulls out a chair and sets it in between the two HUMANS. She stands on top of it, lifts both arms into the air. Then climbs down and sits in the chair and writes things on the clipboard.

HUMAN #1: (to HUMAN #2) This is your fault

HUMAN #2: My fault? I don’t even know you! How is it my fault?

ALIEN: Introduction commencing. (Spot lights shine down on the two humans). You were chosen due to the following specifications: you are above average intelligence. You are above average height. And you do not smoke. I have chosen you out of the 49% of humans in the male category because, in my opinion, you are worth looking at for more than 10 seconds. And, you have, at one point or another, made me laugh. (Lights return to normal)

HUMAN #2: You’ve been watching us?

ALIEN: For two months. Yes.

HUMAN #2: You think we’re handsome?

ALIEN: In my opinion. Yes. The others did not choose you.

HUMAN #1: Others?

ALIEN: The others on this ship conducting similar exercises, yes.

HUMAN #1: Who did you pick first? Me or him?

HUMAN #2: I was here first.

HUMAN #1: So, maybe she picked me first. You were just closer to the beam-up ray or whatever.

UNEMBODIED FEMALE VOICE: All specimens on board. Begin testing.

ALIEN: Test part one.

HUMAN #1: Him first He was here first (Quietly) I’m gonna pee my pants.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) It is Friday evening on Earth.

HUMAN #2: Right.

ALIEN: What were your plans? (She sits with her pen poised above the clipboard waiting for an answer.)

HUMAN #1: (To himself) All I wanted was a cheeseburger Maybe some fries. I know they’re not good for me. I should opt for a salad. I’m just leery of restaurant always looks

HUMAN #2: Plans?

HUMAN #1: ...sad.



For Friday evening.


On Earth.

(The HUMANS look at each other.)

Your plans for the evening?


HUMAN #2: I...I was going go watch a movie?

ALIEN: A movie. Excellent. (Turning suddenly to HUMAN #1) And you?

HUMAN #1: All I wanted was a cheeseburger (He begins to whimper.)

ALIEN: (stands up, walks to HUMAN #1 and pats him awkwardly on top of the head) There, there. A cheeseburger, you said?

HUMAN #1: Yes.

ALIEN marches away, stands up on the chair again.

HUMAN #2: (to HUMAN #1) Pansy.

HUMAN #1: When I get out of this chair...

HUMAN #2: IF you mean. IF you get out of the chair.

HUMAN #1 makes rude gestures–as best he can since he cannot move–to HUMAN #2.

ALIEN: Test part two (Alien makes a strange shriek, jumps down and sits in the chair. Both HUMANS jump at the sound.)

HUMAN #1: I hate this.

ALIEN: You (Pointing to HUMAN #2) You were going to go see a movie. On Friday night. On Earth.

HUMAN #2: Right.

ALIEN: Were you going to invite someone?

HUMAN #2: Invite? Someone?

ALIEN: Or were you going to go by yourself?

HUMAN #2: I was going to go see a Sci-Fi. Chicks don’t dig Sci-Fi.

ALIEN: (Standing, pointing at him shouts) Generalization (Then sits again and writes this down on the clipboard.)

HUMAN #1: Hah That’s one against you

HUMAN #2: Shut up, Pee-pee pants

ALIEN: Had you considered inviting a (ALIEN does finger quotes) “chick” or did you just decide to go alone.

HUMAN #2: I...I didn’t know who to call. (Quickly adding) For...for this movie.

HUMAN #1: Mr. Calm and Collected doesn’t have a girlfriend.

HUMAN #2: What about you, Cheeseburger

ALIEN: Yes, Cheeseburger. (Turning to HUMAN #1) Were you planning on inviting someone to go with you?

HUMAN #1: Nope. (With relative confidence) I can’t afford two dinners.

ALIEN: (Standing pointing at him accusatively, shouting) Cheapskate (Then sits down and writes this in the clipboard.)

HUMAN #2: Hah You didn’t do any better than I did.

ALIEN: Did you consider inviting someone with the understanding that he or she would pay his or her own way?

HUMAN #1: Well...not really.

ALIEN: (stands up on the chair again, and shouts) Test part three (She clicks her pen several times and looks around for emphasis.) Quick fire round. (She sits down and puts the clipboard and pen on the ground under her chair.)

HUMAN #1: Quick fire?

ALIEN takes from her pocket something rather sinister looking. It is a flash light. She will shine this on the face of the human to whom she is speaking.

HUMAN #2: Geez What’s that?

ALIEN: (Turning it on and shining it in his face.) A flashlight. (She turns it on and off a couple of times in his face.) Quick fire round commencing. (To HUMAN #2) Which movie were you going to?

HUMAN #2: “The Darkness of Doom.”

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) How much is a cheeseburger?

HUMAN #1: A good one?

ALIEN: A good one.

HUMAN #1: Where I was going, about five bucks.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) What time does the late show start?

HUMAN #2: 9:45.

ALIEN: What time is it now?

HUMAN #2: (struggles to see his watch) 6:14.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) Does that include fries?

HUMAN #1: No. But a large fry, big enough to share, is two-fifty.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) Any major stars in the film.

HUMAN #2: I think just that guy that used to be a wrestler.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) Are drinks reasonably priced?

HUMAN #1: Yeah, not too bad.

ALIEN: Where is this place located?

HUMAN #1: Corner of 6th and Lincoln.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) Where is the theater in proximity to the cheeseburger place?

HUMAN #2: Um...about two maybe three blocks. Within walking distance, anyway.

ALIEN: Is parking reasonable?

HUMAN #2: Not too bad.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) Are you interested in seeing “The Darkness of Doom”?

HUMAN #1: Sure, I like those kinds of flicks.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) Do you like cheeseburgers?

HUMAN #2: I’m a vegetarian.

HUMAN #1: (Happily volunteering) They have veggie-burgers.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) Are they any good?

HUMAN #1: I’ve never had one, but I’ve heard others say that they’re good.

ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) Does that work for you?

HUMAN #2: Sure.

ALIEN: (to both) If we leave now do we have time to hit both the burger place and the movie? Everyone pays their own way?

HUMAN #1: Yea, I think so.

HUMAN #2: There’s a late-late show at midnight.

HUMAN #1: That way, even if the restaurant is really busy, we’d have plenty of time.

ALIEN: (Shouting) Excellent (She turns off the flashlight and puts it in her pocket. She picks up the clipboard and writes these things down. While she is writing the HUMANS look at each other and carry on a silent “what the hell was that all about” conversation with each other. After a moment she puts the clipboard down and stands on the chair.) Test part four.

HUMAN #1: Another test?

ALIEN: (Standing on the chair, she points down at HUMAN #1) Do you have proper transportation?

HUMAN #1: I rode my bike

ALIEN: Insufficient.

HUMAN #2: (Feeling superior) I have a Volvo.

ALIEN: (Turning to him) How many does it seat?

HUMAN #2: Four, fairly comfortably, five a little squished.

ALIEN: (thinking a moment) That will do. (She climbs down and writes a couple of things on the clipboard.) Where is this vehicle located?

HUMAN #2: Pretty much where you picked me up.

ALIEN: We will be there shortly. (Writes another note on the clipboard.) Excellent, testing phase one complete.

HUMAN #2: You’re...letting us go?

ALIEN: Yes. We will all get some dinner and see the movie. Together. Tonight.

HUMAN #1: You abducted get a date?

ALIEN: (With confidence) It is not a date. We are all paying our own ways.

HUMAN #2: She’s got you there.

HUMAN #1: You scared the crap of out me (ALIEN looks at him strangely.) Not literally. It’s a figure of speech. (beat) If not a date, then why? Why did you abduct us

ALIEN: (unabashed) I was bored. It is Friday night, after all. And it’s not very easy to meet people in this neighborhood of the solar system. You’re all a bit... mealy. (The HUMANS realize that they can now move out of their seats. They move cautiously at first but then approach the ALIEN comfortably.)

HUMAN #1: Is this how you always get dates? I mean, by abducting a couple of guys.

ALIEN: Am I not attractive?

BOTH: (variations of) yea, yes, of course.

ALIEN: It’s just getting harder and harder to meet normal men. You guys aren’t really normal, but at least your not psychotic.

HUMAN #1: How do you know?

ALIEN: Extensive testing.


HUMAN #2: So, what happens at the end of the evening?

ALIEN: You will be given the opportunity to acquire my phone number.

HUMAN #1: Which one of us?

ALIEN: The one I choose.

HUMAN #2: How are you going to decide that?

ALIEN: There are further tests this evening.

HUMAN #1: What kind of tests?

ALIEN: Courtesy, Chivalry, Cranial Capacity, Decision making. Things like that. I’ll decide as we go along who passes and who fails.

HUMAN #1: That doesn’t sound necessarily fair.

HUMAN #2: But, strangely not that different from how it happens on earth.

HUMAN #1 nods in agreement.

ALIEN: If both of you prove inadequate, I may start over completely with a different set of men. When I get back to the ship, we,--all of the crew--are going to compare notes on the events of the evening.


HUMAN #1: Which one of us did you choose first? For the experiment? I mean, not that it really matters...but, you know.

ALIEN: Do you really want to know?

HUMAN #1: Does that mean you chose him first? I’m taller

HUMAN #2: (feeling superior) I have a car.

HUMAN #1: So do I. I...just care about the environment.

ALIEN: It is better if you do not lie.

HUMAN #2: Points in my column

HUMAN #1: (to HUMAN #2) Dork.


HUMAN #2: (To ALIEN) Do you really find us mealy? I’ve never thought of myself as mealy.

ALIEN: You haven’t? (The conversation continues as they exit)

HUMAN #1: How about idiotic?

ALIEN: Hah Sarcasm. I love it.

HUMAN #2: Does he get points for that?

They exit. Lights go down.