Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Katie Quiz--April 1, 2005

Hi Katie,
How are you today? I think you need a quiz. So, this letter is written in multiple choice...and like all good tests, the answer is always “C” Good luck.

1. This weekend should be an adventure. I’m going to:
a. The Bahamas
b. Raise a People’s Army and seize control of the State
c. Play games with Joe, Matt, Brian and Nathan.
d. Count “pellets” to see how many rabbits live in a certain area.

2. We do it every weekend because we are:
a. Nerds.
b. Part of a research panel.
c. Addicted to the games.
d. Afraid of going to the “funstitute” and getting strange diseases.

3. Today while walking to campus I saw:
a. Ralph Nader.
b. An Asian girl eating the lawn.
c. Two geese having an argument over air space.
d. The Light.

4. And also noticed that:
a. Two wrongs DO make a right.
b. All three sides of an equilateral triangle really are the same.
c. The sun has shifted just enough that the “Disappearing Tree” no longer works.
d. My breasts were looking rather perky.

5. So far at work it has been:
a. Revelatory of the entire meaning of life.
b. One fire storm after another.
c. Incredibly boring.
d. Orgasmic

6. Luckily I saw:
a. Dancing pink elephants.
b. Pablo in checkered jeans.
c. Louis Perraud in the elevator.
d. A total eclipse.

7. And he’s going to:
a. Learn the cha-cha.
b. Protest the new turf by chaining himself to the lawn.
c. Bring me some tests to correct.
d. Propose.
8. So, that will keep me busy for a bit. Unfortunately the people who are supposed to be at work this morning:
a. Died in a freak napalm accident.
b. Support the new turf.
c. Haven’t shown up.
d. Are all Republicans.

9. But, seeing as it’s:
a. Just impossible to put a Cadillac in your nose...
b. Come as your favorite nudist day...
c. April Fool’s Day...
d. All pointless anyway...

10. I’m glad that:
a. Mini’s are the new IN car.
b. It’s a least starting to warm up.
c. Elizabeth isn’t here.
d. I’ll be getting those points for “enduring to the end”.

11. Elizabeth is:
a. A figment of my imagination.
b. A Mafia hit man (or is a “hit person” more politically correct?)
c. A very, VERY funny girl.
d. The bane of my existence.

12. She says she only keeps me around because:
a. I give her money.
b. I can calculate Pi to fifteen digits.
c. I smell better than most monkeys.
d. I have a nice butt.

13. So, I’m glad she’s not here because I’m:
a. Strangely attracted to her.
b. Unwilling to share my air space.
c. Afraid of the April Fool’s Jokes she might play.
d. Still recovering from last time.

14. In fact, yesterday, she stuck a sticker to my desk that read:
a. I voted!
b. “W” stands for wuss.
c. Maaike stinks.
d. I love Louis.

15. She’s always making fun of me because:
a. I’m a Mormon.
b. I have a fantastic ass.
c. Both A and B
d. None of the above.

16. But it’s all:
a. Going in my report.
b. Being recorded in Sherril’s office.
c. In good fun.
d. Moot because she doesn’t really exist.

17. And we really do spend the entire day:
a. Braiding each other’s hair.
b. Plotting how to sabotage the government.
c. Laughing until our stomachs ache.
d. Knitting exciting underwear.

18. Jeff Beck’s birthday is on the 19th and Christina and I are going to:
a. Dance a Pagan ritual in his honor.
b. Bake him a cake and then eat it all in his name.
c. Make him a silly little gift box.
d. Tease him about having “poo” in his closet.

19. Actually both John and Matt:
a. Know all the words to Abba’s “Dancing Queen”
b. Have poo in their closets, too.
c. Are having birthdays in April as well.
d. Are wankers.

20. The Spell Checker wants me to change the word “Wanker” to:
a. Special Child of God
b. Short stack.
c. Winker.
d. Midget platter holders.

21. I’ve been to work for three hours and I’ve only:
a. Gotten rid of one of my rashes
b. Thought of fourteen digits of Pi.
c. Helped one student.
d. Had seven visions of the Future.

22. Boy, I sure hope Louis
a. Can keep his lunch down.
b. Drives a Mini.
c. Brings me those tests soon.
d. Admits his undying love for garlic pesto before we run out.

23. Well, I suppose that’s all for today. I hope you:
a. Didn’t cheat.
b. Don’t get caught for causing that freak napalm accident.
c. Got them all right.
d. Voted for Ralph Nader.

24. Sincerely,
a. George Wuss Bush
b. The voices in your head.
c. Maaike
d. St. Jeff...the Patron Saint of Dangerous Driving.

25. I hope you had:
a. Your flu shots.
b. Your seat belt securely fastened.
c. Fun.
d. Broccoli in your teeth.

P.S. Here is the True/False portion of your quiz:

1. T F Maaike is incredibly creative.
2. T F We’re all happy that Jeff threw away the poo.
3. T F Matt probably doesn’t know what a wanker is.
4. T F Republicans care about the environment.
5. T F Women like watching four hours of football.
6. T F Thrift Store shoppers make better lovers.
7. T F Republicans care about other human beings.
8. T F Christina loves meat that comes in TUBES like hot dogs.
9. T F Platonic love often becomes boring.
10. T F Even if you’re a mutant, you can still get men as long as you have good boobs.

Just in case you’re having a hard time, the answers are: T,T,T,F,F,T,F,F,T,T.
Just in case you’re wondering: 3.14159265358979.

Dear Katie--middle of May 2005

Hi Katie,
How are you? It was fun seeing you for a bit...sorry we didn’t get to hang out much. These last three weeks have been particularly draining on an emotional level...and since I’m a Scorpio and life is all emotions, it wore me out physically as well.
It was fun to hear your adventures...although I’m greatly jealous.
I sent and email to Jeff Beck about how I had written off Mr. Cheese...but I’m still sad about it. I want some kind of acknowledgment from him. Just him saying that he realizes he was being a jackass and although we probably won’t be friends again, at least he was glad he got the chance to know me. Something. But I’ve heard nothing. Which might be a good thing anyway. Here’s what he wrote back:
You have more friends than most people I know. You are not doing anything wrong, so just keep being you and by-and-by you will make another male friend, and he won't remind you of provolone, Muenster, cottage, string, cheddar, Swiss, Colby, longhorn, Velveeta, nacho, Gouda, mozzarella, American, blue, Monterey jack, pepper jack, Limburger, or especially, crumbly goat cheese.

That Jeff sure has a way with words...doesn’t he.

Testing Center Blues
I’m so bored. Just sitting here watching people take tests. I played a couple of games of Literati with Elizabeth, chatted to Ryan, Diana, Christina and Jeff Beck. I was going to work on some transcriptions, but it’s been steady enough that the noise of the machine would bother the students...so, that’s not getting done. I have a book to read that Kylie gave me, maybe I’ll do that for a bit.

No Matter Who You Are...
Yesterday Joe watched a couple of episodes of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” with me. They were really good ones and in fact, the one set of creatures were REALLY frightening so I was glad that I watched it with someone. Anyway, last night I dreamt that some scary creatures were chasing me around, but I was rescued by Angel...and I don’t care who you are, THAT’S A GOOD DREAM!

One Big Difference
I love how your letters are full of the dates you actually went on and the men who are actually madly in love with you, and my letters are full of the stuff I did with my pretend boyfriend. Not saying that Joe doesn’t exist, but I would like to try life on your side of the tracks for once. There is a quote from Saul Bellow’s book “Henderson The Rain King” that I always think of when I’m in this kind of mood; “My body! My body! Why have we two never gotten together as friends?” You know, it’s been my experience that the tall guys and the small guys all go for the small girls leaving big girls like me to fend for ourselves. I hate being this tall. What’s the sense in it? I don’t like basketball.

In all honesty I have to say that I’m jealous of the attention you get. In fact, it surprises me that I can be such good friends with such a tiny, beautiful woman. Normally I’d just sit in the back ground, hating you and wishing your hair would all to fall out.

“Respect My Authoritay!” (South Park quote courtesy of Caleb Twitchell)
There was this big (BIG) football player who came in to the lab to take his test. I told him that he had to leave his stuff at the front, turn off his cell phone and leave it in his bag. He said that he was expecting a phone call from his mom. And I said that he can’t use his phone during a test. The room was fairly crowded and I was also chatting on-line to Elizabeth just down the hall so I wasn’t too nervous...at the beginning.

After a couple of minutes his phone rang. He said, “Can I get that?” I told him no. He said “It might be important.”

“They can leave a message, you’re in the middle of a final.”

“Stupid Teaching Assistant....(mumble, mumble, mumble)...” he said.

“Do you want me to have someone come down here and explain it to you?” I said. Then, I typed a message to Elizabeth to go have Sherril come down to the testing room. Sherril showed up and I showed her who it was.

“He knows he can’t take a call during a test.” she said to him. We chatted for a second and then I went back to my desk. I sent an email to Elizabeth to come join me in the testing room because I was a bit scared and Elizabeth is a lot feisty.

After a while his friend who got the new version of the test the football players had the answers to was flabbergasted to find out that he got a 25% on a test that he’d memorized the answers for. Hehehe! That guy left and was not too happy. Then I look over to the scary football player and he has a small scrap of paper that he’s reading–he set it on top of his test. I walked over to him and he tried to hide it inside the test.

“I need that piece of paper you have.” I said. He handed it to me. I looked at it and then said, “I need to take these, too,” and picked up his test and bubble sheet, “and you need to come with me to the office.”

We started walking down the hall and he said, “Can’t you just give me an F and not turn me in?”


We got to Sherril’s office and he said the same thing to her. She said, “Nope. I’ll turn it all over to Louis Perraud.” The guy was pissed.

When he left, I took his cheating friend’s test to Sherril and his friend had used that same cheat sheet on his test–without knowing that we’d redone the test. She’s giving it all to Louis.

The story continues. The guy called the registrar’s office and told them that he wanted to withdraw from the class because “he didn’t have time for it”. Well, the dumb ass didn’t know that to withdraw from a class the registrar’s office has to check with the department to make sure the guy’s been doing the work in the first place.

Sherril started laughing and said, “All he’s done so far is get caught cheating on the final...but he probably didn’t tell you that part, did he.”

I’m terribly curious as to what will happen. He’s a football player, so probably nothing because even though they can’t win a game to save their lives, the administration bends over and takes it because they think the dumb jocks are worth it. I hope that he gets kicked out or loses his scholarship or something that will be an example to the other football players. But the truth remains that none of us believe that anything much will happen to him.

Responses to my email:

After this happened I sent an email to the men on my address list (saying how much I wish one of them had been here to “protect” me). Here are the responses I got:

I'll kick his butt, just point me to him. You don’t deserve that. Where is he?? Casey "the Killa" Dean

Maaike, what did you do? Take his test away? Was it the final exam? Give a few details here!!! Ich bin gespannt (I am very interested!) David Ambrosek

Let me know who he is and I’ll send him a "virtual" threat if he attempts to do anything. In reality, I'm glad you had the guts to stand up to him. If he does anything to you, I'll kill him. Robert Palica
If I was there I would not have allowed the cheater to intimidate you. Sorry to hear about this. I have learned the hard way that shitty students tend to give there teachers the most shit.
Jeff Beck (who knows his shit)
Well, Katie I guess that is all from me this week. I hope you have a GREAT day and I’m really looking forward to our road trip this summer. It will be a blast!

Love ya!

Dear Katie--May 6, 2005

Dear Katie, May 6, 2005

Hi! How are you today? I hope you’re doing well. So...what’s next for you? Does your job end in May or does it continue through the summer? I’m heading home to help Mom take care of the house and yard...and of course to earn enough money to pay my bills.

I’ve had a hell of a week with a million little things going wrong and wearing me out. I am so looking forward to Saturday and sleeping in!

So, I wanted to put my hair in a ponytail because it was hot and I don’t like sunshine. BUT I’d left my ponytail holder at home. Usually I have it wrapped around my Dr. Pepper Lipsmakers lip gloss...but instead it was sitting at home on my television. I was sad, but then I remembered that there was always a ponytail holder on the ground somewhere. So, I just started looking. Here’s the adventures that ensued:

April 28th: 2 ponytail holders in front of Curves for Women. One small and yellow perfect clasp. One medium and white, rusted clasp...probably sat through the rain.
April 29th: 1 ponytail holder in front of Domino’s Pizza. Large and black, perfect clasp, but the elastic is a bit stretched out and nearing breaking point at clasp.
May 3rd: 1 ponytail holder on Hello Walk. Large and black, fancy sans clasp...some rich snooty sorority girl has no ponytail today....Mhahahaha.
May 4th: Ack! The cleaning crew is out! They cleaned the streets! How ever will I find ponytail holders now? I might have to break down and buy some. I own some...I might have to use them. Curse you...you capitalistic society where one must buy their own ponytail holders and the streets are cleaned by the lesser criminals of the Department of Corrections!! Curse you!
May 5th: 1 ponytail holder in front of the bookstore. Medium and brown, fancy sans clasp...take that both snooty sorority chicks and the Department of Corrections!! I’m still winning!

Doug Otto announces the arrival of his child:

This is from an email from Doug Otto:

We are expecting an offspring in November. Becca is having fun throwing up.

A man of fewer words would be hard to find.

My boyfriend is here!
I had gone to bed early and I was worrying about the fact that Grover was sleeping on my extra pillow on the floor instead of under the blankets with me and Eddie-Phil when my phone rang. Thanks to the personalized rings I knew it was my boyfriend, Joe.
I’d written him a message in his tablet on Sunday (Joel Harris thought it was mine and also left a bit of a note: a drawing of a snake). So Joe was just calling to say HI. He said he was going to go to the SUB to print a paper, but instead I invited him here to use my ‘pooter. It’s so much fun having my boyfriend here typing his paper while we listen to music and chat in between furiously typing our individual papers. Granted his is going to be graded and I’m just typing a letter...but I take it nearly as seriously.

Christmas in May

Christina cleaned out her closet and gave me a bunch of clothes! Seriously I hit the mother lode! I am so glad that I have friends to get hand me downs from. Christina has a bit more girly taste than I do, so the girly side of my closet has grown and the t-shirt side is feeling a bit neglected. Don’t worry t-shirts, summer is coming!

A much better horoscope than the last one!

Your most exotic spaced-out-during-the-lunch-digestion-phase-of-the-day dreams are going to be nothing -- nothing! -- compared to the very exciting reality coming your way today.

Our Vampire Names:

Me: Goddess of the Night...a needy and violent spirit.
You: Sophie Cromwell...Mistress of Sewer Rats
Joe: Hanzi Keat...Father of the Steely Moon
Christina: Marion Arnauld...Minerva of the Crows
Nathan: Elijah Saint Clair...a dark one, ancient, who flies free above all others
TJ: Launcelot le Boursier...Belatucadrus of The Winged Death
Matt: God of the Orient...Death of Wraiths
Kylie: Rosalind Darling
Teddy: Launcelot Darling
Janay: Empress of Moldovia...haunt of the highway thieves.
Ryan: Maharaja of Moldovia...hiding great power, great danger

Technology is the Bane of my existence

Here I sit completely angry and out of my mind. The ITS lab here on campus tells me that my computer is sending out SPAM and that I need to take my computer to Cactus Computers where they charge $40.00 an hour to correct things like that (if it takes 5 minutes...they still charge you $40.00. If it takes an hour and five minutes they charge you $80.00) because they don’t deal with HARDWARE problems. So, since my computer is not even a month old I contact Dell support...where they tell me that I have to call a different number because they don’t handle SOFTWARE problems by internet. I’ve sent an email to both TJ and Ryan because they’re the only ones I know who know about computers...BUT still...I’m very, very cranky.

Computer Help is on the way!

On a whim I called my home teacher, Brian Rucks, and asked him if he knew about computers. He said that that’s his major! I told him the problem and he knows exactly what to do! He’s coming over tonight to fix my computer. And TJ sent me a program called STINGER that should take the virus off of my computer. Man. It’s so very true what Mighty Mouse’s dad said, “Technology is a tool that may never, never, be trusted!”

I must break all contact with Mr. Cheese

I sent an email to Mr. Cheese telling him the following:

My friend Lucia is dancing in the Cinco de Mayo pageant. They are having free food and the admission is free. You might also have the opportunity to speak Spanish with someone. It’s Thursday evening in the SUB at 6:00.

To which he responded:

Unfortunately one of my brothers is coming in to town so I must decline your invitation.

WHAT INVITATION? I didn’t invite him! That’s what I’m on about...he always READS MORE into EVERYTHING!! I’ve already invited Joe to go with me and he’s already accepted...I just thought that as someone who’d lived in a Spanish speaking country for two years, he might be interested in knowing about it.

And then, after I told him that I rescued him from going through a repeat of exactly what’s been going on between us with another girl...all he says is that he can’t imagine having a conversation “Let alone a quasi-serious one” about zodiac signs because it’s complete “bullshit”. He doesn’t say thanks that I’ve got him off the hook, instead he just makes fun of me and the other girl for being interested in zodiac. BUT WHAT HE NEGLECTS TO SEE IS THAT HE’S EXHIBITING TYPICAL BEHAVIORS OF SOMEONE WITH HIS PARTICULAR ZODIAC SIGN. He’s such a putz.

Add that to the fact that he YELLED at me for being intuitive enough to know that something was wrong with him and that’s all I can take.

I sent him an email that said:

I thought you might like to know about Cinco de Mayo, but I wasn’t inviting you, I already have plans, too.

And you’re welcome for saving you from Emiline calling you up all summer and asking you out.

And I don’t think you want to be my friend because you’re not treating me nicely at all.

I will stop emailing you.

So, that’s the end of Mr. Cheese.

He’s building a very lonely world for himself. Unfortunately. And I feel sorry for him. I kind of hoped that he could teach me to be a little braver and I could teach him to be a little freer. But, as it turns out the stuff he taught me was lessons that Heavenly Father had to show to me.

So, out of The Seven...I am still friends with Brian, Pablo, Chase and, of course, Daniel. I have no idea where Arch is and Matt has moved to Boston. Pablo will soon disappear into the ether, I’m sure. It makes me wonder if Mr. Cheese will join the oblivion to which Pablo and Arch have been sentenced or if he can prove to be a friend in the end. Unfortunately (again) I think he’s headed into the quiet oblivion. So, I guess remaining friends with three of them is kind of amazing, really. Especially given that Daniel and I are so close. He kind of makes up for all the others.

...anyway...Good-bye Mr. Cheese.

Maaike Draws Out Secrets from Everyone!

Brian Rucks came over to install all those spyware search and destroy thingamajigs on my computer...he said that he was talking to TJ and TJ was laughing at me because of some computer related comment I made. Brian told me what I’d said and obviously it’s only funny in the computer world because to me it seems like a perfectly reasonable statement to make. Anyway, after Brian told me that TJ was laughing, he said, “Oh yeah, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”

Then Joe came over and he apologized about being late because he was talking to a girl, but not just any girl...a BLONDE. Then he said, “Oh yeah, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”

“Hey, I just did the same thing.” said Brian.

“Yes, I have a way of drawing out secrets.” I said.

Actually, I’m usually quite intuitive, but this time all I had to do was listen.

When all was said and done, Brian fixed my computer (with a little help from Caleb and a program TJ sent me) and we all watched “Pitch Black”. It made for a fun evening.

Well, I’m looking forward to your visit this weekend. I hope you have a GREAT day!


Dear Katie--April 29, 2005

Hi Katie! April 29, 2005

How are you today? Have you found someone new to replace the dreaded Metrosexual Dreamboat? I hope. I mean, you’re gorgeous I’m sure you can find someone! We’re having adventures up here...for example the infamous Joe that we’re all fighting over:

We’re all still fighting over Joe
Ok, you know those guys that get up out of their chairs for you? The ones that when you’re having a bad day really (REALLY) do want to listen? The ones that if you need help they drop what they’re doing and actually show up? You know those guys...the ones that live in our heads? Anyway, I FOUND ONE IN REAL LIFE!! His name is Joseph Carl Mitchell and he has all those beautiful qualities. (He’s a Cancer so he’s one of those rare signs willing to admit that emotions exist and that a man can be affected as well.) Anyway, Jade, Tennille and I have taken to fighting over him. He used to be my pretend boyfriend, along with T.J. Adams, but I’ve promoted Joe from “pretend boyfriend” to “real boyfriend” (since T.J. was only willing to give me Sundays and then he even backed out on that to take a nap!). I think next semester, when Camille is living with us as well, we’ll all be fighting over Joe. Poor Joe. That’s what he gets for being wonderful.

And he’s even earned a nickname! Since, for some unknown reason, Nathan continues to think Joe’s name is Rob, we’ve given him the nickname of Handsome Rob (you know, Jason Statham’s character in “The Italian Job”–Christina came up with it, I’ve got to give credit where credit it due!). Or, he could be Rob Anybody Feegle from “The Wee Free Men” by Terry Pratchett, but there is certain joy in getting to call him “handsome” whenever I feel like it without even considering consequences!

The problem remains that the year that I graduated from high school was the year that Joe was old enough to get baptized. But, if you consider the fact that we’re all ETERNAL we’re all the same age. I’ve just got to prove to be the best catch of all my roomies. (I’m going to cook him dinner this week–a recipe that my Daddy taught me and I can actually do! I’m not a very good cook, but this should be impressive...I hope.)

You know how dreams find their roots in what happened to us that day, well, I had a dream that Joe rescued me from an angry mob (well, an angry mob consisting of three guys in black t-shirts) and you know, he did kind of rescue me for real on Sunday. I needed gentleness and he gave it to me. What a good man. (And the best part is that he’s defecting from 5th Ward to 3rd Ward and he says that he wants to sit by me at church!)

The funniest thing...I saw Joe in Walmart with some brunette and I said, “Hi Joe” and the look on the girl’s face was like: why are you talking to my Joe? Do you not see me here! He’s my JOE! It was a hoot. I had to tell Joe about it later because, of course, he couldn’t see her face at the time. AND I tried to invite Joe over to play Settlers again, but, try as he might to be a faithful boyfriend to me, he keeps getting asked out on dates. I told him as long as they’re brunettes I won’t worry too much. But he should really avoid the blondes.

Then I asked him to check his date book to see if he was available...then I said, “Let’s call it a planner instead of date book because I can’t handle the jealousy of not having my name written on every day.”

So, Katie, do you think I could win the heart of a good guy? (I mean a good guy like Joe; he actually is GOOD. White hat and all.) I don’t know–there’s that part of me that thinks since I haven’t been a good girl that I deserve someone who’s a bit of a dictator (“and I’m only using the “tator” ‘cause you’re family”) but then again, I’m not a martyr and I deserve someone who loves me just because he loves me–not saying that Joe loves me anymore than, well, let’s say, T.J. does, but I deserve it because I’m a fabulous, giving person. But, the truth is that I’d probably just wonder the whole time which of my roommates he was really coming over to see!

Joy replaced by TERROR!!
You know, that joy I had about being accepted to grad school didn’t take long to turn into sheer terror. I think I’m going to go insane because of the stress. I missed my meeting with Rob to figure out what classes I’m going to take...we rescheduled and then he had something come up and he cancelled. We have yet to reschedule again. Oh well...life goes on.

Then I had a job interview to teach the Comm 101 classes...and I was stressed and nervous about it. And while I was at work waiting for 11:30am to arrive, Elizabeth spent the morning SCARING THE SHIZA OUT OF ME!! She’d take her first to fingers so that they looked like snake fangs and in a quiet moment she’d go “AHHH!” and stab me with her fingers. I jumped every time...even the time that I was looking right at her and she pretended to be going after Lucia but got me instead. So...add that to the caffeine running through my system, I’m sure I made quite an impression on the woman.

Teddy Jessup: Soccer all-star
Wednesday is Kylie night and I go to Kylie’s house, we hang out and watch “Lost” and she makes me dinner. Last Wednesday I got to watch Teddy play soccer. IT WAS SO CUTE to see these little three and four year olds running around in their little uniforms trying to kick a ball into the goal. They were ADORABLE.

Teddy made a goal so Kylie, a couple other moms and I all cheered, “Good Job, Ted!” He turned to the crowd and gave the cutest yes-these-are-my-adoring-fans smile I’d ever seen in my entire life. Seriously, I should have brought my camera!!

After the game we were all sitting on the couch at Kylie’s house. You know how big brothers always take your arm when you’re relaxed and do that “stop hitting yourself” thing? Well, I have a nicer version called “noodle arms” and I was doing that to Teddy and he was laughing. It’s funny because when they have noodle arms, it looks like their arms stretch out longer. Ted said, “Do it to mom!” But Kylie didn’t want noodle arms. (I can’t say that I blame her.) But this led to an amazing discovery:

If you ever need to totally immobilize Kylie Jessup...tickle her feet. She’s helpless. She just sits there laughing and can’t even defend herself. I was laughing so hard!

New words:
When I went to the job interview, the woman was a tiny little thing. Like Lucia, or Jade, or let’s say YOU...so I felt, as per usual, like Fezzic the giant (only I haven’t been fighting small groups for local charities. And I’m not unemployed in Greenland.) Anyway, my roomies and I went to check out a new apartment and the girl that showed us around was a tiny little thing...and so was her husband. I felt like I’d entered Munchkinland.

But then there was this really tall guy who came in to take a mythology test...and when he sat down he bonked his knee on the desk. It made a really big thud sound and he did that intake of air hiss, but refrained from saying bad words. I was quite proud of him. He talked to me about the bane of being tall. Ah...I understand.

Later I saw him in the hallway sitting up to a table. I said, “It looks like that table fits you a little better than the desks in the lab did.”

He said, “Yes, it’s a little more comfortable for those of us who are vertically enthusiastic.”

“Vertically enthusiastic? I like that!” I said. Then he explained that he took some class that was pretty much all about being politically correct and that’s what he came up with to describe tall people.

So, I’m no longer tall...I’m a Vertically Enthusiastic Dutch American.

Here are some of my friend’s nicknames:

Matt Ellsworth: Sparkle, Ocho, Robo-Matt, Matt-Matty-Matt-Matt-Matty-Matty-Matt-Matt
Christina Curtis: Yolanda, Yo, THE Yo, Christina Bobina, Christina Bobina Yolanda Hoop, Hoop
Joe Mitchell: Rob, Handsome Rob, Genuinely Handsome Handsome Rob, Rob Anybody Feegle
Jeff Beck: Jeffrey Leah Beck, St. Jeff the Patron Saint of Dangerous Driving, Jeff-Jeffty-Jeff born in nineteen jeffty-jeff
Caleb Twitchell: Twitch, The Twitch
Daniel Roots: Wesley, Henry, Batman, Squishy, Absolute Bastard
Ben Stellmon: Sweetie

But the funniest thing happened last night...I was talking to my mom on the phone (telling her that the cheesy potatoes actually turned out!) when someone knocked at the door. I opened it and said, “It’s Cute Jeff.”

“Do you know an ugly one?” Mom asked. “Is that how you tell them apart?”

I giggled, but I assured her that I didn’t know an Ugly Jeff. My mom’s a hoot.

My watch goes crazy:
I bought a watch at the Good Will in Pullman. I needed a watch that didn’t come from a cereal box and this one was not only pretty damn cool, but it also reminded me of a watch that David Boreanaz was wearing in a photo (mmm...handsome man). So, I bought it. But, like all things I own, it’s gone slightly mental.

First of all, the date thing doesn’t work on Friday or Saturday. It’s shows up Sunday through Wednesday perfectly, then on Thursday it tells me that it’s both Thursday and Friday. Then it shuts off for a couple of days. I figure it just goes back to my Jewish heritage and is observing what it considers the Sabbath day.

The other day it went completely bonkers and started beeping EVERY FIVE MINUTES! That’s something that wasn’t a heritage at all, but just a proven way to drive me insane. Since I bought the watch at Good Will, it didn’t come with instructions so I sat there pushing buttons until it finally stopped. Thanks heavens.

But now it beeps every hour on the hour. I have to put it in my closest under a pile of clothes so I can sleep and it doesn’t wake me up all night long.

Eddie-Phil loses his memory:
Do you remember Eddie-Phil? My teddy bear with multiple personality disorder? Well, when Camille was staying with us that weekend, she walked by just as I was asking Eddie-Phil what I should wear to church. She stopped and looked into my room to see who I was talking to. I pointed to Eddie. “This is Eddie.” I said.

“Oh, ok.” she said and looked at me as if I’d gone completely off the cliff.

“Well, you know how Jade has Piggy? This is Eddie.” Camille, having been friends with Jade longer than I have been knows perfectly well who Piggy is. She smiled at me in the same way most people do when confronted with the mentally unstable. “He helps me pick out my church clothes.” I said.

“Great.” she said, and slowly started to back away.

“But, the funniest thing is that he has multiple personality disorder and sometimes thinks his name is Phil.” I said.

Camille just smiled and walked away.

Eddie-Phil has no memory of Camille’s visit. But he does remember the day that Piggy came over and spent the day with him...he won’t shut up about it!

This girl doesn’t exist:
There were two girls in the hallway trying to speak French. The one asked a question to which the second replied, “Je ne suis pas.” Then she said, using a bit of Franglais, “Oops! I meant, ‘Je ne sais pas.” A slight difference, really...but instead of answering the first girl’s question with a simple “I don’t know” the second girl actually admitted to not existing in the first place.

Imaginary Friends can prove to be...confusing:
Before Joe became my official boyfriend, I was telling Aubrey about him. I said that I had a new pretend boyfriend and his name is Joe.

“Does his name have to be Joe?” Aubrey asked. “Maybe you could come up with a different name for your pretend boyfriend.”

“No, his name has to be Joe.” I said.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because he really is called Joe. He really does exist, he’s just pretending to be my boyfriend.” I explained. Then Aubrey looked at me a bit incredulously, as if trying to decide if Joe really was real, or if I’d just gone over the edge of pretending into thinking my invisible friends are real.

But, I learned the dangers of that when I spent the summer with my invisible friends, Joey and the Toms. When the invisible friends start talking back to you, making you laugh hysterically, it’s time to let them join the ether. Or, as Christina pointed out, if you’re playing “Twenty Questions” with your invisible friends and they stump you, then it’s time to move on.

Don’t make fun of the Canadian:
Randy’s mother-in-law has a new boyfriend and he was coming for a visit. Knowing how jokey her children and sons-in-law can be she asked them not to make fun of her boyfriend for being from Canada. She didn’t want any Canada jokes at all. They all agreed to behave themselves and not make fun of the Canadian. Then she said, “Oh, and don’t make fun of his voice either.”

“Why? What’s wrong with his voice?” they asked.

“His voice is a little funny because he was in an accident.” she explained.

“Oh, really?”

“Yes,” she said, “he was hit in the throat with a hockey puck.”

And that’s really all there is to say about that.

Well, Katie, my dear. I hope you have a FABULOUS week. There are only two more weeks of school left. Two crazy test weeks, trying to figure out about going to grad school. Trying to decide where I should be...oh...one last story:

Maaike learns just a little slower than most:
I was walking up to campus, talking to Heavenly Father at the same time. I said, “I have no one physically to turn to at this stressful time, so I have to turn to you. And you’re God and omnipotent and all of that stuff and I should be turning to you in the first place anyway. Holy Crap! Is that what this’s been about the whole time?!”


It hit me and I stopped there for a second under the newly budding trees and thought, “Man, I’m so glad that He has so much patience with me.”

I really do learn slowly, but at least I learn eventually!!

I hope you have a GREAT day, Katie, my dear! Stay out of trouble and remember to keep watching out for those good guys...they really do exist!


Dear Katie--undated, Spring 2005

Hi Katie,

How are you? I’m doing pretty good. I’m getting ready to head home for a couple of months, but I’ll have my cell with me and I’ll still be using my same email, so let me know about the road trip.

Jeff Beck called me the other day to tell me that he was witty. Yes, it’s true, he is witty, but what he called about I had actually written. But, it was about Jeff, so I guess that makes it his. He’s fun guy.

And that reminds me of a joke:
A mushroom walks in to a bar and sits down on a stool. The bartender turns to him and says, “Hey, we don’t serve your kind here.” The mushroom looks at him and asks, “Why not? I’m a fungi?”

You know, I think I’ve found someone to obsess over so that I can forget John. Yep...I found a blue-eyed VAMPIRE!! I’m still on the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” kick but now, instead of being all gaga over Angel, I’m falling for Spike. It’s great. I went from Vampire to human back to Vampire. I guess it’s true...I am totally insane. But at least the various photos of James Marsters as Spike can hang on my wall and help me not to think about Mr. Cheese.

Joe called me at 9:30 this morning to make sure that I was up and getting ready for church. He just wanted me to go, not that he was going. Silly man. Oh well. I went, it was ok, and I think I actually learned something. It was good.

I’m dreadfully bored. I feel like doing something...but I don’t know what to do. I’ve watched some TV, took a nap and did a wee bit of packing. I should go for a walk or something...I just don’t like sunshine. Which is helpful in the being-in-love-with-vampires part of my pseudo-existence.

Christina and I had this conversation:

Christina: I cleaned up my workstation today and moved all my crap to the new workstation (apparently cubicle is not PC). I had 4 calendars and 2 day planners on or in my desk. That's 6 calendars, only 1 of which I use with any regularity. Oh dear.

Me: Should I sponsor an intervention?

Christina: I think so. I might be genetically susceptible to calendar abuse.

Me: Are the calendar the abusers or the abusees?

Christina: That's a good question. I had a hard time figuring out how to type that last sentence. Maybe calendarism is a better term? Either way, the calendars are the abusers because I certainly can't help myself.
Me: Well then, I'll just have to step in. To tell the truth, I'm suffering separation anxiety from my watch. I quit wearing it when it went bonkers so I don’t know what time it is...if we could just find the happy medium in our collective date/time obsessions!

In Walmart the other day there was a little old lady in a wheel chair. Well, I assumed it was a little old lady...there were legs, skinny arms, a tuft of white hair and an lap full of flowers. It was hilarious...this little old man pushing around a wheelchair filled with appeared to be his wife and all the fake flowers from the craft section of the Walmart. She couldn’t see where she was going so she was totally trusting that her husband was driving her someplace pleasant. Now THAT’S love!!
Here’s one of my horoscopes that actually makes some sense:
When you're involved, you're involved. There's no two ways about it, and no talking to you once your heart has arrived at a decision. Mention that immediately to anyone who tries to talk some sense into you now.

Poor John. Poor any guy who has had to deal with me on any level. I’m a crazy, mixed-up bundle of expressible emotions just looking for a way out.

Speaking of looking for a way out:
Almost nightly I have a dream in which I have to save the entire universe. Well, ok, not universe per se, but at least the Earth. I don’t know why it’s up to me all of the time, but I thought you might be interested in the some of the ways I was called on to save the Earth and the things that were the key elements in doing so:

• One slice of red apple, two of green–these had to be rubbed on the cheeks of people to keep them from getting their minds controlled by the baddies
• A golden bowling ball–which had to be thrown into the belly of a man made of peach Jell-O (he wore tan pants with brown suspenders).
• Brian Passey–he had to decide between good and evil...if he chose good we’d all live, if he chose evil we’d all die. I had to keep the world in balance until he could be found.
• A cardboard car with no steering wheel–which I drove with my boyfriend; David Duchovny.

Who knows what goes on inside my brain. I sure don’t!


Dear Katie--undated letter, again

Hi Katie,

How are you today? I loved the letter you sent me. It was a hoot. Sorry to hear about the sinking of “Metrosexual Dreamboat”. It’s sad. But, you’re right, trying to find all those qualities in a man is almost as difficult as a man trying to find all those qualities in a woman. Wait. That isn’t what I meant. I meant to say something more empowering of women everywhere. How about this quote from Rosanne:
“The quickest way to a man’s heart, is through his chest.”
Right now the major qualities I’m looking for in a man are “Good Listener” and “Straight”. That’s a tough combination, but it is possible.

This is the email I sent to EVERYONE in my address book:
Ok, I've never done this before in my entire life...I just took a drink of my milk that said it expired on the 17th of April. But April of what year, I don't know because IT WAS CHUNKY!!
I am SO GROSSED OUT RIGHT NOW! I spit it out and I drank the rest of my D.P. a bunch of water, brushed my teeth and am still just grossed out BEYOND WORDS!
I think I'm going to die a chunky-milk-poisony-death!

These are the responses I received:
• That wasn't milk -- that was the plaster of paris for my latest and greatest art project, "Mountains of Kansas." (Bridges of Madison County was already taken . . .)
I expect you to put every drop back where you found it . . .
Michelle Davidson
• Quick! There is only one remedy. Find the nearest cute guy and request, no, DEMAND he give you mouth to mouth. (With tongue.) It will save your life! (Only if it is with tongue.) Ryan Slaugh
• yes, I noticed a funny smell as I walked to the office today... maybe the milk is rusting your brain...ha,ha. monika madinabetitia

• I hope that you recover from this incident! It's been a while since I consumed sour milk. Kelly Thompson

Mandy Martineau

• Oh poor Maaike, how horrible. I suppose you could think of it as "almost yoghurt". But then again it doesn't taste nice at all. I've done nearly the same thing but my chunky milk went into a cup of tea - yuk. If it helps at all, I'm am feeling GROSSED OUT for you as well.
Sally Boardman

• Swedes drink Chunky rotten milk all the time. After awhile, one gets used to it. Think of that the next time you eat butter or cheese. It's just chunky milk (with a little tuna fish mixed in).
Robert Palica

• I'm sympathizing my watch with yours. I've had the same experience at least twice in my life once with chocolate milk, and once I drank a full glass of sour milk because I was eating a piece of lemon cake with it and I didn't taste the sour milk until the after taste had set in. Yuck!!!!! But that is nothing compared to the grossness of eating meat that was crawling with maggots. It was not on purpose. Maggots taste even worse than sour milk. I hope you have a better day.
Love Al ( you never know I might be listening)
Skeeter (Stephen Cleverley)

• The chunky milk is yoghurt, so it is quite OK to drink, you could have put it in the blender with some strawberries and had a refreshing smoothie........Ha Ha
Maria Hearn
• Maaike, think about it, cockroaches eat our chunky milk and well preserved twinkies all the time and they are still here. Shesh. . . what were you thinking. Anyways, you'll probably be fine until you get really old, then it will come back to haunt you like a crazy acid flash back, ha ha.
Later Aubrey Loney-Young
• I poisoned you muuuhahahahahahaha you Khar Kar
Elizabeth Shinpaugh (Khar Kar is blind donkey in Persian)

• Snerk!!!! I am sorry, but the mental image of you spurting cottage
chunk milk just made me laugh!!!!
Chew a package of Orbit and you will have a clean mouth.
Jana porter

• I can't believe you sent an email to all those people and told them about the nasty milk you drank. You are so funny, I just love you.
Erin Lake

Maaike gets some long needed hugging!
You know, there are times when a human body just aches for a hug. Sometimes we can find someone to give them to us, like a parent, or a sibling. Sometimes a friend will come through in a pinch. But most of the time we muddle through life seriously in need of a hug but unwilling to ask for one. Sunday was such a day for me. I was feeling ill, sad and unwanted–or as we like to call it: Human.

But, it didn’t stay that way. I went to conference despite the fact that my head was throbbing from my newly acquired head cold. I sat by Jade and Ben and then Caleb and his roomies sat on the other side of me. After a bit, I laid my head down on Caleb’s shoulder...and nearly fell asleep. He’s such a good kid, that Caleb is. Rather enigmatic, really, but very kind and giving.

When I got home TJ Adams called. He’d forgotten that it was Stake Conference, so he went to church but no one was there. I invited him over to hang out with us. After dinner we were waiting for Matt to show up to play some “Settlers of Catan”. We have an “L” shaped couch and TJ was laying on the long side of it. I laid down on the shorter side of it and put my head on his chest. He had has arm around me in such a convenient way that I got to hold his hand. We laid there for a bit and he told me that he’s sure he doesn’t make a very good pillow because he laughs too much. Then I read his palm. When Matt showed up we played the game. But...it was so nice to just be loved for a moment.

Then Ben Stellmon came over and he always gives me a hug and an “I love you”. By the end of the evening I felt very loved. I think I should have more days like that.

Squirrelly Wrath!
I was walking to work carrying a spoon–well, that’s interesting in and of itself, but that’s not the point of the story–the story is that there was this squirrel. It was running across the street...run, run, run, leap..into the Disappearing Tree. It didn’t run up the tree, however, he just kind of sat there part way up the trunk. He had his back to me and when I approached, he turned around and stared at me with this, “Hey! Whatcha lookin’ at! Yeah, bring it on! I’m not scared of you human!” I saw the ire with which the squirrel was nearly foaming over.

“Hi squirrel.” I said then started laughing. He looked at me with fire in his eyes as if I had no right to laugh at his squirrelly wrath. The he leaned his head back and watched me finish walking up the sidewalk.

“Hey!” said the squirrel, “Come back! Didn’t you used to be a tree!”

I bet that’s the squirrel that Jeff was doing the impression of...you know, the one that bit him?

Now...about the spoon.
Yes, I was walking to work carrying a spoon. This was with a purpose, but I figured what a better way for the elusive Mr. Eight to have an excuse to strike up a conversation. He’d see me across the tree lined (squirrel infested) path carrying my spoon and say to himself, “Who is that woman? She’s beautiful. Why is she carrying a spoon? I must know.” Then he’d walk up to me in all is Goran Visnjic-y glory and say, with his beautiful accent, “Hello, you are the most intriguing woman I’ve ever seen. Why are you carrying a spoon?”

I’d say, “I can sum that up for you in two words: Fish soup.” Then he’d look at me with that same face you are pulling at this very moment...a cross between “What the...?” and “Yuck!” Kind of comes out as “Bleh....?”

He’d look at me with his blue eyes glinting and a crooked smile, “I can take you away from a world filled with fish soup and bring you into a world of more identifiable food.”

“Sounds good.” I say, then I’d kick him in the shin and say, “Where the f#@* have you been?”

That’s why I was carrying a spoon.

John Withers DOES NOT have I.M.

MD: Hey, do you have IM...this would be fun to chat.

JW: no

MD: well, you’ll just have to burn in hell then

JW: likely

MD: I'll send you an icee...one of the blue ones

JW: assuming you're not also there. seems like a big leap.

The Bloody Spoon Does Me No Bloody Good
You know what makes for a bad day? I’ll tell you: not being able to heat up the lunch you didn’t want to eat in the first place in the microwave at work because your boss doesn’t like the smell of fish. I didn’t bloody want the bloody fish soup in the first place but it was all I had for lunch because I was too damn poor to get anything else. So not only did I carry the stupid fish soup up to work with me, but I had to carry it home, too.
So not only did the spoon fail in its fantasy purpose of helping me find Mr. Eight, it also failed to be useful in a normal spoonlike fashion. Now, on some level, I understand the wrath stirred up in The Tick as he yelled his battle cry “Spoon!” (“The roof! What a perfect place to fight crime!)

Teddy Jessup is the cutest little boy in the World
I was supposed to go watch Ted play soccer on Wednesday night, but I ended up calling Kylie and cancelling (bad soup day on top of other things). But before Ted’s game stated, Kylie and Ted showed up at my house with dinner for me and the cutest little card that Kylie had made. (She’s so good to me...she’s the BEST mean friend I’ve ever had!) Anyway, Ted says, “Maybe Maaike could show us her house.” I showed Ted around the apartment. When we were in the living room he said, “And what about that closet?” So I opened the closet and showed him the boxes, ironing board and coats that hang there. Then he walked to the window and said, “I just can’t believe how high up we are.” We sat on the back of the couch looking out the windows and Ted told me that it would take a very long time to walk all the way to the mountains.
Ted is such a cute boy and he is SO SMART!

My horoscope is as useless as ever:
'Secret' is like 'scarlet,' if you mix up the syllables and add an 'L' and don't get too hung up on the 'ee' versus 'ah' sound. Scarlet is blood red. Red blood is what keeps your heart pumping.

And that’s supposed to inspire me to do what?
Another Squirrel Story
There was this squirrel on the Hello walk. It was, as squirrels are wont to do, eating something using both hands. He was just sitting there gnawing away. I said, “Hi, squirrel.” It immediately dropped what it was eating and looked at me as if I had offered it the Holy Grail of whatever squirrels would consider the Holy Grail. “I’m sorry squirrel, I don’t have anything.” I said. He continued standing with its little arms hanging against the lighter colored fur of his stomach. I felt guilty for giving the squirrel false hope of a better meal. Too bad I couldn’t have given him the soup.

Joel Joins the Literati
Elizabeth and I are hooked on playing “Literati” all day. It’s kind of like Scrabble. Well, now Joel’s hooked on it, too. It’s a lot of fun.

Ok, Katie. I think that’s all for today. I can’t believe there’s only three weeks left of school. That means I have only three weeks of work left...then I have to figure out what I’m doing for the summer. And the rest of my life. Ack. Better not think of that. Squirrels...think of squirrels. But not spoons. They still make my cranky.

Love ya!

Dear Katie--April 14, 2005

Hi Katie, April 14, 2005

How are you today? I’m glad you enjoyed your quiz and I’m also glad that you did well on it. In answer to some of your questions:

• Ecuador: Um, only if your parents are paying for my ticket and expenses, otherwise the farthest I can go is Pullman. (They could sell one of their planes.)
• The disappearing tree: It’s just a tree whose shadow went perfectly across the sidewalk so that anyone walking would “disappear” for just a second.
• And NO, none of the game players is “Mr. Cheese”. I’ve invited him a couple of times to play, but his only experience with the game was him against a married couple so he hates the game, which is unfortunate because we all have such a fabulous time playing.

You know that all my stories are long and complicated. Here’s the latest one:
When we play “Settlers of Catan” I usually have T.J. as my “pretend” boyfriend for the night. Well, Tennille had a dream that featured T.J. as her date, so I was teasing her about stealing my pretend boyfriend. So, one night T.J. was not available for the game, so I asked Joe if he’d be my pretend boyfriend, he said that he would. Then I found out that Tennille had asked him to the dance on Saturday night. She’s stolen both of my pretend boyfriends. But Joe said he’d be my boyfriend all the way until this Friday...mostly because he’s going on another date with Tennille on Saturday! However, this Sunday Joe was over playing Settlers and he gave me the cutest little compliment...and then he gave me a cupcake. I told Christina that he’s the best pretend boyfriend I’ve ever had. She said that she likes him better than all the other real guys I’ve liked. Joe likes being teased about having two girlfriends and me and her fighting over him. So, it’s good that he’s having fun, too.

Date, engagement, argument and it’s done:
The following is a conversation Joel Harris and I had during church–writing back and forth in my “Happy Bunny” tablet:

ME: Niki is really pretty and very kind and she likes to run–I don’t know how smart she is, but I think you should get to know her better–or are you stuck on blondes?

JOEL: No, but the only time I will run is either from a dog or the cops. I have thought about asking her out though.

ME: Me too (about the running!)–I think we’re meant for each other! What’s the blonde girlie’s name?

JOEL: I don’t think we are sitting next to each other by chance! Chantel.

ME: Oh, yes. I remember. So, do we need to set a goal by when you’ll ask her out–or can you handle it w/out outside help?

JOEL: I can handle it! Hey, let’s date!

ME: Ok, but we need to date at least two weeks before we get engaged.

JOEL: No, better yet, let’s get engaged now! Hell we’re Mormon aren’t we?

ME: Yes–we are! Let the rumors fly! Do you want to date Niki and Chantel first?

JOEL: Ok, back on topic. I really don’t know yet. My family goes by a term: Timing is everything.

ME: Ah, I see...well, good luck then! But, you can be my “pretend boyfriend”.

JOEL: Um.............okay.

(Pause in the writing)

JOEL: You don’t let me breathe...that’s it, we are through.

Joel’s a nut. But a cute one. Actually, he’s also annoying...because he’s loud.

James thinks he’s in charge.
So, T.J. and Paul (I don’t know Paul’s last name...he’s listed in my phone as Paul Catan because he’s one of those that we can call if we can’t find a 6th for the game.) came on Sunday night to play Settlers, but they brought this kid in a stripy shirt named James. He comes in, sits down and gets all in-chargy. Well, that didn’t last long at all. Joe (my pretend boyfriend) was being the banker and after James said something dumb Joe said, “Hey, be nice to my girlfriend!” I felt all tingly. Eventually, I had to let James know, in an ever so subtle yet completely SCORPIO way, that he was not to come into my group and start bossing us all around. Next time at the games there will be no James.

Walnuts and Stradivarius
John Withers and I went to a trio concert where this gentleman was playing on a million dollar violin. ACK! I don’t even trust myself to hold anything I know costs more than I can make in a month...like any piece of china! I don’t own any expensive jewelry just because it could be lost. I buy most of the things I own at Good Will so if they’re lost or broken I don’t have to feel guilty about it! All I can say is ACK!

A guy walked in and sat down in the row over from us. John said (somewhat incredulously), “He brought a novel.”

“He didn’t have a friend to bring.” I said.

“Thanks for being my friend so I didn’t have to bring a book.” said John.

Anyway, before the concert started I told John that I want to be a cello when I grow up. (He said, “Good luck with that.”) And I was very happy about it because then I’d get to be a tree first for at least 50 years. But then I realized I didn’t know what kind of tree to be. So, I asked “John, do they make violins and cellos out of certain types of wood?” (Because I’d like to be an oak so squirrels will live in me; they could bury the acorns by my toes, run up my body and arms and live in my hair. But in the end I’d probably just be a door, or a shelf, or some cupboards.) He told me that they usually use spruce or walnut trees to make cellos.

The concert began–the page turner was the cutest little old man! He was absolutely adorable! He was kind of a cross between Einstein and Mr. Tudball. The concert was absolutely amazing. It started out with a piece by a Spanish composer and it was actually my favorite of the three pieces. (They played a prelude from Shostakovich at the end which was hauntingly beautiful and ethereal.) The whole thing was so fabulous.

At the end of the concert as we were walking to John’s truck, I said, “If I’m going to be a cello, I’ll have to be a spruce, because I’m allergic to walnuts.”

“I don’t think it works that way.” he said.

“So, if I’m a walnut tree I won’t break out in cankers?” I asked.

“You’ll break out in walnuts.” he said.

I told that story to Trish at work and she enjoyed the childlike way I looked at life (I believe that is the greatest gift God has given to me). Then I told her that maybe I already was a walnut tree and that’s why I’m allergic, because it’s kind of like cannibalism. But, sadly, I don’t remember the cello part of my life. But, maybe that’s why I love them so much...maybe that’s why they speak to my heart like they do.

But I still wish squirrels would live in my hair.

Well, that’s all today...a shorter letter, of sorts. I’m happy and enjoying the new things that I’ve been learning about myself and my Heavenly Father. It’s amazing how patient He is with me and how many chances he gives me to learn the same thing. I’ve got good friends up here and I know why I have them in my life at this time (yes, even Mr. Cheese).


Dear Katie--undated letter, but Spring of 2005

Dear Katie,

Hello! How are you? I hope that things are GREAT and that Boise is being good to you, or I’ll tell its Mom.

Speaking of Mom, I went home for Spring Break and stayed with my Mommy. It was really fun. We did our traditional shopping at all the thrift stores in Idaho Falls (and the Deseret industries in Rexburg, too). And...oh boy...I found the best shoes! In fact, this was definitely the Shoe Vacation. I found a pair of brown leather dress shoes at the Salvation Army for $1.95. They’re FABULOUS. Believe me, they’ve been the envy of a couple of different friends. Then, at the DI in IF I found a pair of burgundy patent leather penny loafers with a two inch heels. They’re pretty much new and Amy already claimed dibs on them if I get tired. THEN I found a pair of brown leather shoes at the DI in Rexburg (AKA Iceberg or Kolob). They’ve got a heel on them (not that I need the height, but they are, as the others, totally fabu!). I rounded out my vacation by finding a pair of slip on tennis shoes to replace the “cheese shoes” that could almost walk on their own. AND...this is the most unbelievable part of it all: last year I found a pair of extremely comfortable shoes at the Salvation Army in Lewiston. They finally bit the dust and I had to throw them away. There was seriously no wear left in the shoes. BUT while I was at Payless in IF I found THE EXACT PAIR OF SHOES ONLY NEW!! So I had to buy them. They were only $12.99...which was $12.40 more than I paid the first time I bough the shoes, but, they were so very worth it. So t, that means five pairs of new shoes in a week for under $30.00. I’m so excited.

Men won’t get it. Don’t even try to explain it to them.

You know, I was thinking about past Spring Breaks. The first one here I spent with Christina and Mandy stuck in Moscow because of a freak snow storm. We ended up spending the most fun day in Colfax (of all places) trying to find the store with the deer butt mounted on the wall. The next Spring Break doesn’t stand out to me at all. I don’t remember a dang thing about it. Last year I went to England. This year I got shoes. The whirlwind that is my life just doesn’t end.

When I was in England one of the funniest things happened: the guest room I Daniel’s house was right next to the bathroom. I was sleeping soundly under a yellow-gingham duvet when I heard Daniel yelling down the hallway, Darren! Darren!”

“What”“ came the sleepy reply.

“We’re out of toilet roll.”

“What?” said Darren.

“We’re out of toilet roll!” Daniel shouted a second time.

It was at this point that I realized that the spare rolls were in the close in my room. I got out of bed, opened the cupboard, grabbed a roll of toilet paper and opened the door. There was my sweet Daniel sitting on the throne. Without a word, I presented the toilet paper. He laughed. I closed the door and crawled back into bed. After a couple of minutes my door opened. It was Daniel. He was still laughing.

“Not a very dignified position to be caught in.” he said.

“Remember, I grew up in a house with one toilet and ten people. I’m still most comfortable with the bathroom door wide open no matter the situation.” I assured him.

He leaned down t o give me a cuddle. “You’re so warm,” he said. Then he laid down on me...and ran his hands up and down my face–they were still wet from washing them.

“Hey!” I giggled

He stayed by me for about five minutes then said, “Well, I’d better get ready for work.”

That whole week I never bothered with the time change. I’d sleep until he got back from work, then hang out all evening with him. Then I’d stay up int e night either reading, or using his computer to talk to my friends back home. It was the best Spring Break I’d ever had. I love Daniel. He’s a random hugger...and once he hugs he doesn’t let go for a long while. It’s so comforting. He’s so wonderful to me. I think everyone should have a friend like Daniel. But everyone can’t have Daniel, he’s mine. I’m jealous enough as is!!

I kept calling Daniel “Squishy” because of “Finding Nemo” you know, then Dori finds the baby jellyfish and says, “I will call you Squishy and you will be mine. You will be my Squishy.” After a couple of days Daniel asked me if I’d been calling him that because he’d put on weight. HEEHEEHEE! I told him about the movie and just that I was unwilling to share him with anyone, thus, he was MY Squishy.

Jade had a boy stalking her and she told him that she wasn’t interested in dating him. I felt really sad, not because of the boy but because I’ve been there SO MANY TIMES! So, although the scriptures tell me not to give up Hope, I think I have to give up hope (lower case h...I’ll keep the upper case Hope, but say goodbye to hope). SO...my solutions is to drown myself in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” so that I can be in love with Angel the Vampire and live inside my head where it’s safe. I’ll sill peek out and socialize–I can’t help it! I love people!–but I’ll give up worrying about being someone else’s Squishy. Daniel said I could marry Angel if I wanted...and Daddy forbade me to marry a “stupid Yankee and Angel was born in Ireland (250 years ago). So, I think that’s all the permission I need.

When Daddy told me not to marry a stupid Yankee I had fun explaining to him that Yankee was actually a term for the Dutch settlers. Heeheehee! But, Daddy didn’t like any of his sons-in law (despite the fact that with just three sisters there have been seven sons-in-law) so it’s up to me to find the one that daddy would like. I think a vampire with a soul who has a steady job and isn’t a “stupid Yankee” might fit the bill. Besides, Mom is still holding up the promise Daddy made of giving $20.00 to the man that marries me. And since I like tall, dark, handsome (with some meat on the bones, Please!) Angel has the look too. Now, he just has to be kind. And dump Buffy. And get rod of the gypsy curse. And fall I love with me. Then collect his $2000. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy! Life is Cake when I live inside my head.

Ok, so my sisters Sherri and Chris work and Taco John’s in IF. They have a new menu item called Chicken Crispies which are basically McNuggets. BUT the boss didn’t want them associated with Nuggets so he told the crew that they were NOT nuggets. Sherri was running the cash register when a couple in their late thirties walked up.

“What are Chicken Crispies?” the man asked.

Remembering not to call them nuggets, Sherri said, “They’re deep friend chicken balls.”

“Oh, I didn’t know chickens had balls,” said the man.

The laughter that ensued has yet to ebb.

I’ve been reading a book called “Towing Jehovah” by James Morrow. It’s been rather interesting. The other day I read this sentence in it: “A person should be valued for what he gave, [...] not for what he possessed.” That’s so true! Soon after reading that I heard in a song by Vertical Horizon: “Everything you wanted me to hide is everything that makes me feel alive. Everything you wanted from me is everything that I could never be.” Now, this is kind of weird, but that’s why I’m not interested in being thin. When I was thin I had guys asking me out a lot (I was told by a couple of people that I should be a model–I think it’s the Dutch half of me). Guys I didn’t know would ask me for my number. I’d always tell them no. I don’t want o be asked out on dates or be admired for what I look like. I want to be admired for WHAT I AM INSIDE! I know it’s really dumb, but I’d be happy to be thin for a man that already loves me, than to be thin so men will love me because they like the way I look. I have been trying to lose some weight. But I’ll tell you this, if guys who ignored me while I was chubby start talking to me when I’m thin, they’ll find out that they can’t have NOW what they didn’t want THEN.

Well, I guess that’s it for today. Oh, except that Mandy’ Martineaus’ mom is reading a book that’s called with a”A Worm’s Journal” or “A Worm’s Diary” something like that and she shared a great entry: “My sister kept staring into the mirror, so finally I told her, ‘No matter how long you stare, your head still looks like your butt’.”

I hope you have a GREAT day!

Love ya!

P.S. A story of irony: As you are aware, my life is filled with irony. I have no control over things that happen to me. No control at all. So, here’s what happened yesterday:

One of the pairs of fabu shoes (the ones from the Rexburg DI) while fitting gorgeously while sitting or standing proved to be of the Chinese foot-binding variety in real life. By the time I walked from my apartment to the third floor of the Admin building I had a lovely blister of the back of each foot. I wandered around all day without my shoes on. Then, when faced with the daunting task of walking home I wondered what to do. Would Jade be home to come pick me up? Christina gets off of work at 5:00 I could wait around until she could come get me? Would Ben come? What about John? Nah...I decided to just walk home. I put the pair of shoes in an empty box that Sherril had given to me (only after making the promise that I won’t move home for good) then walked home in my socks. There was the occasional rock or twig that caused a twinge in my foot, but what can you do, eh? As I continued walking my feet were yelling more ane more. The smooth sidewalks were quite cold and the rough roads were...well, rough. I finally broke down and said a little prayer asking for someone to come give me a ride.

Not too long after that I saw a white car and thought, “Yea! It’s Jade!” But then the girl started smoking and I thought, “Not Jade.” So I said another prayer. This time I said I didn’t care who it was that gave m me a ride, I’d even take a ride form a total stranger. I walked a few more steps with my shoes in my box and my bag a little heavier than it should have been when a green jeep–thing pulled over. Ah! Relief at last! And who is my blessed knight-in-shining armor? None other than Dorothy Jennings.

Now, just in case you’ve forgotten, Dorothy and I haven’t talked to each other since my first Christmas up here when I told her that she should be thankful to spend time with her Dad because mine was gone and we had a big blow-out over that. We’ve hardly said “boo” to each other since.

Anyway, I get into her car and she asks about my not wearing shoes. I ask her what size shoes she wears and then gave her the fabulous shoes that were the cause of all my pain. She gave me a ride home and I said, “thanks, Dorothy. You were the answer to a prayer today.”

Then, I got into my house and told Jade and Tennille about how God not only works in mysterious ways, but totally IRONIC ones, too.

Dear Katie--April 9, 2005

Dear Katie, April 9, 2005

Hello, how are you? How’s “Ignoring Man” doing? (Not as good a nickname as “Mr. Cheese” but it’s all I’ve got today.) I’m doing good. There were so many different things that happened this week, so I’m going to give these to you with titles.

We Get To See a Movie For FREE
Christina was at a conference in Texas for work, so Nathan asked me if I wanted to go see “Sin City” with him. We meet at the theater and while we’re walking in, I decided that I’d better turn off my phone. I was looking down at my phone when they guy at the cash register said, “How can I hope you gentlemen?”

I look up. “Gentlemen?” I said. Then the poor kid just started apologizing profusely. He was so embarrassed. I told him, “It’s the height. It’s happened to me before.” He was just distraught. I finally reached over the counter and gave him a pat on the arm, “Really, it’s ok.”

Still he kept futzing, and he said, “I don’t know what to do.”

I said, “Free movie?”

And he said, “Ok, what do you want to see.” So, Nathan and I got to see the movie for free.

When we sat down in the theater, Nathan said, “you’re good to have around.”

Moral of the story: Good on the pocket book, Bad for the self-esteem.

Getting things for free continues:
After the movie, I went home to kill some time before the guys came over for board games. I decided that I’d fix our front door. The lock was falling apart bit by bit. I took the doorknob out and took a look at the locking mechanism. If metal could rot (well, faster than it does) than this piece was rotten. I locked the deadbolt and took the broken part to Best Buy. I go to the back of the store and find a worker guy. “Can I guy just this part of a doorknob?” I ask.

“Sure, what kind is it?” he said.

“A broken one.” I said and handed it to him. He looked at my key that opened it and he discovered what kind it was. Then he dug in a box behind the counter and handed me the right part.

“It’s a donated one, so it’s free.”

“It’s free?”

“Yep, so that saved you about seven bucks.”

Some things I wondered about while I was walking home today:
1. How hungry would I have to be to eat that shriveled apple core on the ground?
2. Why does that light post have an address?
a. Does it get pizzas delivered?
b. Does its Maker write it letters?
c. Is it dyslexic because there is a 20 and a 6 on it?
3. When will Ben get back? (I miss him!)
4. If your name were Gordon, why would you use the nickname “Gord”?
a. Why not “Don”?
b. Or every “Gorrey”?
5. How can I control my life, when I can’t even control my hair?

How’s the guy I fancy?
You asked me about that guy I fancied, or as you called him; “Mr. Cheese”. Well, Mr. Cheese is doing very well, enjoying a very happy, prosperous life...just without me in it. (Now the next step is to see if the palm reader was right: if number eight is the ever elusive Mr. Right.) Mr. Cheese and I had some communication problems...i.e. I’d ignore his hints even though I understood them (but if people don’t say things right out, then I’m not going to spend my time guessing and hoping that I got the correct signal), and he attached motives to everything I said and did. The problem there is that I just do a lot of things, I don’t think about why I’m doing it; there’s not always a hidden agenda. (Side note: It’s like Andi said, “If I had to think every time before I spoke, I’d never get to talk again!) Since we couldn’t communicate well it would’ve been a hell of a life!

You know, learning how someone shows love is an extremely important part of any relationship. For example, for me, spending time with me shows me love. It doesn’t have to cost money, it just has to be time together...even if it’s just getting groceries. Another way is if they show they were thinking of me when they didn’t have to. Like how Daniel sends me anything he finds with purple and yellow irises on them because he knows they’re my favorite. Not that he’s buying something for me, but because he knows I love irises and when he sees them, he thinks of me. Someone telling me that I’m beautiful and trying to touch me all of the time (note: the word is ALL, because I do enjoy it some times!) doesn’t really do it for me because I don’t want to be loved for my body. And the guy who shall remain nameless (like Voldemort) only thought people loved him if they spent great deals of money on him. (BTW, he’s not one of the seven the palm reader told me about. He didn’t break my heart–he broke everything else, but by that point there was no love in my heart for him to make me cry about.) So, learning how the person you love accepts love is an important part of being in any relationship. Luckily for me, my friends like Christina, Kylie and Amy are also “time-spenders” so we get along very well in the “do my friends love me” arena of life.

Learning from my Brother My brother, Albert, makes up songs from Hymns. Two of my favorites are:
Count your blessings, one, two, now I’m done.
Count your blessings...wait! What was number one?

Let us oft speak kind words to each other,
For that f’in’ s.o.b. is your brother.

Well, I’ve proved myself as Al’s sister (and as an English major) because I was walking around singing:
Oh we are as the Lord’s dictionary...

Then I stopped and said right out loud, “What did I say?” and then started laughing! Although dictionaries are useful–and Christina knows the joy I experience while just browsing through for unknown words–I doubt that it would be a useful tool to Him.

Ben’s BACK!
Ben Stellmon got home last night! He came to the house and gave me a great big hug. The sad thing is that he’s going to be moving. It’s all so sad. Especially since Ben and I became Insta-friends–seriously, there was none of that getting to know each other stuff, we were just friends! Maybe I should adopt him.

Elizabeth applies for a job
Elizabeth was filling out a questionnaire for a job application for Hastings and it was asking her questions like “Do your moods change from minute to minute?” “Do you ignore people who annoy you?” and, “Do you ever fake being polite?” And she had to answer them according to what she thought the people wanted to hear, but it was hilariously funny to listen to her laugh while she tried to answer them. Especially since Happy Bunny is Elizabeth’s hero. The quote from Happy Bunny that best describes Elizabeth’s attitude is: You can help anyone turn a frown into a smile, just rip off their head and turn it upside down.

Then Elizabeth gave us all dinosaur names. She’s badassasaurus, I’m lameassasaurus, Lucia is narcoleptisaurus, Diana is schizasaurus, and Aubrey is midgetasaurus. She hasn’t thought of a name for Trish yet, but I think she should be the teranadon...because Elizabeth said, “Yep, I’m badassasaurus, I’d say, ‘Hey you, teranadon, what you lookin’ at!’.”

Jeff’s continued quest for cremation
Jeff Beck seems to be under the impression that if he loses a limb, he will save money on his cremation. He thought that if he lost his arm, then he could save some cash. The way I figure it is if he’s dead, he won’t care how much it costs anyway. At least as far as I know, our bills don’t follow us into the next world. Death doesn’t come along with a scythe and a forwarding address label for the Post Office. “Here, just fill this out, then we’ll be on our way.”

Big Brother Really is Watching!
I’ve set my phone to ring like a regular telephone whenever Albert calls me. But, when the phone rings at 7 am, it’s always a little off-putting. I was too late to answer it, but I got the message that Al had got my message. And I had no idea I’d called him. So, I called him back and I said, “I left you a message?”

“Yea, I could hear this back ground noise and then you talking.” He told me what I’d said and I realized that the message was a recording of Christina and I wandering around Walmart. Then Al said, “Yes, I guess it’s true, Big Brother really is watching!”

What Augustus is Learning
Kylie’s little boy, Ted, is the cutest. Ok, the story; Kylie’s mom has two horses, Snickers and Augustus. Last night Kylie said, “Hey, Ted. Tell Maaike what Augustus is doing.”

“He’s in class.” said Ted.

“Really? What’s he learning?”

“He’s learning to speak...English.” Ted answered.

I looked up at Kylie and smiled. She said, “Actually, he’s being broken.” We both started laughing. I love the way Ted looks at life.

Phone calls
I’m over in the lab, using the computer, when my phone rings. I look at it and it’s Elizabeth in the fish bowl of the lab. She called me to tell me there was an emergency in the lab and I needed to come back. I tell her I’ll be there in a few minutes. Then Aubrey calls me...from the fish bowl, she’s sitting right next to Elizabeth. She said that there really is an emergency and I need to come to the office. Since it is encased in glass, I can see that the only emergency is that they’re bored enough to keep calling me on my phone. So, just like Stephen Wright’s East German Shepard, I just ignored them and kept on typing. Soon my phone rings again. It’s Aubrey. There really was an emergency. Elizabeth had Aubrey’s letter opener and was being a menace. I went back to work.

Maaike Learns the Hard Way–Again.
I was on my lunch hour and walking furiously fast trying to get to the post office and back before Andi had to leave to go to class. In front of me, there was a girl walking with long brown hair and a yellow rain jacket on. She had such an aura of sadness about her that I decided that if she looked up I would smile and say “Hi.” We got closer and closer and I could feel her sadness, but she never looked up. When she got right by me, we just passed each other and I didn’t say a thing. But when she passed I felt her sadness just tug at my heart.

She was gone and I had the impression to turn around and talk to her. But then I thought, “What am I going to say? I don’t know her.” So, I just kept walking.

Well, I’ve regretted it ever since. She was so sad. I should have said something. If I’d said “Hi” it would have forced her to look up. What if no one around that day tried to make a difference in her life? When I got home I prayed for the opportunity to meet her again, or if I couldn’t have that chance, that just someone would listen better than I did.

I should have taken the time to do my best Irish accent and say to her, “God loves ya.” a la Monica on “Touched By An Angel”. I should have told her that God is aware of her and her sadness and that He loves her. Instead I hurried to the post office.

All I got was an advertisement for Jiffy Lube.

Promise me that no matter how much of a hurry you’re in from now on, that you’ll always stop to cheer up any stranger that passes by you. I promise to do the same and never let the opportunity pass me by ever again.

I love you!


Jade came back, Now I'm writing to Katie

Dear Katie,

Hi! How are you? How are things going with that man that you’re ignoring because that’s the rules of the game? Personally, I prefer “Settlers of Catan” where the rules are a little less vague and invariable.

One day I was walking to class and I found a fabulous stick. It was beautiful and had served its purpose well. I picked it up and walked to work with it. By the time I arrived at the Admin Building, I knew exactly what to do with it. I put it by Dr. Steckel’s door with a note that read: “Dear Dr. Steckel. This stick is for you to beat your students with when they are dumb. Love, Maaike.” Not too long after that I told Pablo about the stick and he wanted one. Eventually I found a stick that was good enough and dragged it to the third floor of the Admin building. Pablo was quite pleased and was soon using his stick to “herd” Monika down the hallways and around the office. Monika came to me asking for a stick. I found one for her that was just a tiny bit taller than she is. She put it by her desk and has since been left alone by Pablo. I have two sticks here at the apartment that I thought were fabulous and had to keep myself. Then I brought one home for Jade. Today I brought home another stick. This one is for Ben Stellmon. He wanted a stick and I’d seen this beautiful one laying on the “Hello Walk” for about five days. It’s the perfect stick for Ben. So, today I dragged it home. I was wondering how many people have seen me dragging sticks to and from the Administration Building and was curious as to if I’ve earned the name of “Crazy Stick Lady” among pedestrians and drivers of the campus.

Remember the story of the tighty-whities that I put on Jade’s monkey? Well, a couple of days after that I was getting ready for bed when I found them underneath my pillow! I folded them nicely and put them in Tennille’s drawer by her bed. She found them and laughed, and we’re all waiting to see where they’ll turn up next.

Ben Stellmon was telling us about a crazy lady in Russia that would talk in church and read letters that she got from God. “I got another letter from God today,” she’d say and read them to the congregation. Adam Stellmon said, “You only get letters? God sent me a bunt cake.” Those Stellmon brothers are a HOOT and a half. Ben is my sweetie. (Daniel’s my Squishy, Ben’s my Sweetie). But, although Ben is quite handsome I couldn’t marry him simply because of the fact that I love to sleep in PITCH BLACKNESS and he’s afraid of the dark. So, there goes another relationship.

There is someone I quite fancy. But, it seems that I’ve found more ways to piss him off than to endear him to me. I guess that’s a miss, too. I’m ever so pissed! (It must be true because I even dreamt that he told me to quit “cheesing him off”. I don’t know if it’s possible to actually “cheese” someone off, but that’s what I like to say; I guess that’s why it appeared in my dream.) I’d choose him over Angel any day (or Billy, or Vincent…etc. but don’t tell them. I know they’d be heart broken.). In fact, I had another dream in which Brad Pitt was madly in love with me, following me places, buying me fancy presents and all my girlfriends were so jealous…but I didn’t care because my heart belonged to the man I continually cheese. My Daddy told me once what my problem was. He said, “Maaike, you’re looking for someone just like me. They don’t exist. I am the only perfect man.” My Daddy’s a hoot.

Jamie Freeman used to make fun of me because I drove my car all around with the trunk filled with empty boxes. Don’t tell him, but I’m doing it again. Since my job ends in May, and my apartment lease is up in May and I don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going after that, I figured I’d need some packing boxes. Sherill’s been giving me some great ones so I just drive them around in my car.

Speaking of Sherill the funniest thing happened at work on Thursday. The satellite television wasn’t picking up anything and Joan was trying to record some French programs for her class. Sherill and Joan worked on it for a few minutes then Joan went off to see if the TV in the other room was still working. I was turning off the computers when I heard Sherill start laughing. “I just did a Fonzi” she said. I looked at her then up at the TV. It was working perfectly. “Did you hit it?” I asked. “Yep” she said, “just like Fonzi. But don’t tell Joan.” She cracks me up.

I got an email from Jeff Beck that made me giggle. I have to share it with you.

Yes, I think you could say that I am getting more settled into things here in Wyoming. It has been cold the past couple of weeks. It snows, but not much usually. I am going to apply for yet another faculty position at Oregon State University. I am looking forward to that. Someday I am going to land that dream job and then I will stick with it, buy my dream home, and eventually I may be cremated. I know that sounds morbid, but I do think about death from time to time and how I would like to be disposed.

The truth is I miss Jeff. He’s such a riot. Christina, Nathan, Jeff and I all went out to Chinese once and Jeff told the funniest story about capturing squirrels here on campus. He did this “evil squirrel” impersonation that Christina and I still laugh about. Just imagine Jeff pretending to be a squirrel, holding the bars of the cage with his little squirrel hands. Now add an angry grimace and a very evil—yet entirely squirrelly—“GRRRR” sound. I miss that Jeffy!

My goal of drowning myself in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” is working, but not to the best extent. I’ve been finding myself too busy to watch it. The funniest thing happened on one episode, however; there was this vampire from the 70’s dancing all these dances that were totally dated. He started doing one called “The Sprinkler” which I first saw performed LIVE in the living room of someone I promised I wouldn’t tell that he did the dance. I started laughing SO HARD! It’s funny how the first time you experience something it’s always associated with that person forever and ever. Like sex. (Oh, can I use that word in a letter from one Mormon to another? Maybe I should spell it out so not everyone knows that I just said S-E-X.)

By the way, SEX is worth 12 points in Scrabble. And worth $1.98 from certain sorority girls—Oh! One day I was driving with Skeeter (Stephen Cleverly) and there was this girl wearing a very short skirt, some FM shoes and a shirt that was almost just a bra. I looked at her and said, “Take me home for $1.98.” To which Skeeter replied, “Hey! I’ve got three bucks!”

Pablo just walked in…and stared at the computer screen—maybe he was hoping to find his name there. Remember the Pablo-induced Drama of last year? Boy, I sure do. I promised myself that that was the LAST time I’d give my heart to a Libra (BP being the first Libra—you knew there’d have to be a mention of the Passey somewhere in my letter, right?). I’ve had a trauma or two with Cancers and Geminis and some Aries, too. I’ll soon run out of Zodiac signs and have to date men only born on other planets. But I guess if we take into consideration the variations of Western Zodiac with Chinese Zodiac I could go through a whole slew of men before I find the right combination. BUT, remember, the palm-reader said that I’d have my heart broken seven times before I find my “true” love (To BLAVE). However, she didn’t tell me that number seven was going to break my heart more than once. Does that move him up to eight and the palm reader was wrong? Or does he stick around as seven and just get a gold star in “Heart-breaking”. (Email from Kylie: You are so fabulous that one time making you cry is too many!) Hmm. Maybe I need a second palm reader’s opinion. One that doesn’t look at all the lines in my hand and say, “I think you’re schizophrenic.”
That reminds me…other planets, that is. I dreamt last night that the earth was invaded by Robot-Skeleton-Clowns. HOLY CRAP they were terrifying!! I’d joined the military to help save the earth. (In my dream I was a man, but I was still very much attracted to men, so I guess I was a gay man—thank heavens for that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy they’ve got now.) Anyway, upon the initial invasion of the earth all other military personnel were killed other than my lieutenant and me. And I was subsequently crushed by a giant falling boulder. The doctors replaced all of my bones with metal…the upside was that whenever I punched anyone it hurt them very, very much! My lieutenant and I decided to free the “nice” prisoners from jail to help us fight the Robot-Skeleton-Clowns but the guards of the prison were unwilling to let them out. So we had to fight them too. There was this one guard that was about seven feet tall. When my lieutenant walked up to him the man just towered above my normal sized lieutenant. I just looked at the other guards and said, (about the seven-foot tall guy) “He’s gonna get his ass kicked.” And my lieutenant did thoroughly kick his ass. (I’d like to quit typing “My Lieutenant” over and over, but other than his rank I have no idea who he was—he wasn’t anyone from my real life either. The only real-life participant in this particular dream was Jade who was eating a box of hard-boiled egg-yolks for the protein.) Then three football players—dressed in long white skirts—ran by trying to escape the Robot-Skeleton-Clowns. We tried to get the prisoners to enlist in helping to save the earth, but they didn’t care. In my dream I remember thinking that although my lieutenant and I were going to fight to the end; it was going to be a fruitless battle. Poor earth. (“But I am le tired!”)

Speaking of my dreams…after I did the Feng Shui thing I stopped having angry dreams. But I also stopped dreaming full-stop. I love my dreams. They’re so very entertaining. Anyway, I got a bit fed up with my art being all over the floor, and people mushing it when they’d sit in my chair to talk to me, that I put it all back under my bed. Then the dreams started again. I’m happy.

This morning I made my bed. (Doesn’t happen often at all—I learned that from my Daddy. He figured, “why make a bed, you’re going to get right back into it and then you have to untuck it all for your feet again!” He’s right.) Because I made my bed Eddie-Phil couldn’t sleep all day. I asked him what he wanted to do. He wanted Piggy to come over. So I went to Jade and asked if Piggy was free for the day. So Eddie-Phil and Piggy are sitting on my nicely made bed wearing their so cute sweaters and talking about how loving Jade and I are to them.

Last night I had a “date” with Gabe Zimmerman. It’s funny I always wondered what it would be like to be on a date with him. The reason “date” is in quotation marks is because he was supposed to be my date for dinner, but didn’t show up until everyone else had left (but Katie and Damon) no one saw that he was my date. So, I figured it’s like all the imaginary dates I’ve been on before.

Speaking of imaginary…I was talking to Randy on Tuesday evening (well, actually crying to him more than talking) and then I told him I had to go because Jade and Ben had just arrived and I’d promised Ben that I’d stay awake long enough to talk to him. Randy said, “These are real people, right?” and I said that they were. He said, “Next time have them make noises in the background so I’ll know they’re real. Actually, have them call you by name so I’ll know you’re not just standing in the mall.” What a nut. I left my room and went to the living room. Ben gave me a hug. It helped. But it still doesn’t prove to Randy that he exists. I think I’ll have to start taking pictures of these people. Maybe a picture of them with me, so that Randy doesn’t think I just took random pictures of people at the mall.

Um...I have a confession to make. Yesterday I bought a Dr. Pepper. I’m trying not to drink it because I know it’s bad for me...and one of the main contributing factor to the size of my thighs (my ass is fabulous, as we all know—I mean, I’m not called “the heart-shaped butt girl” for nothing!). But that’s not what I’m confessing. Yesterday I threw a half a bottle of Dr. Pepper into the trash at work. I was proud of myself for at least only drinking half. Well, this morning when I got to work I was feeling a bit...well, ooky. I really wanted a Dr. Pepper, but the machines only sell Pepsi products. So this morning: now here’s where the confession comes in, I took my discarded Dr. Pepper out of the garbage can and DRANK IT! I guess if I die tonight you’ll have something to tell the doctors. I guess you could also tell them that I’m a bevel short of plumb, too.

Man, this has been a boring day at work. I’ve been here for five hours and have helped three people. Oh, but I did get to take a screwdriver to the front row of desks and remove the front panel on six of them. That way, the students can’t cheat and look at each other’s papers, but I can look straight at them and know what they’re doing. EHEHEH! (Evil laugh, opposite of HEHEHE!) I also used some of the screws to fix the broken desk. I love taking things apart and putting them back together. I think I’ve missed my true calling as an auto mechanic.

Speaking of true callings…I have another strange confession to make. Luckily this one does NOT include a garbage can. You know I’ve applied for Grad school in the Dramatic Writing program. But, I’m afraid of something. All of my life I’ve been rather content seeing the different groups of people, (i.e. The Jocks, the Intelligentsia, the Goths, the Mollys, etc.) and being happily outside of them all and existing simply as Maaike, where, just like Tigger, “I’m the only one.” Anyway, my confession: I’m dreadfully afraid that hanging out with the theatre crowd I’ll find my niche! What if I’m meant to hang out with the drama crowd, coffee-sipping, black-clothes-wearing, self-expressing, emotionally-in-touch-with-ing crowd? What if I find out where I belong and start becoming the SAME. ACK! It’s one of the biggest things frightening me about going to grad school. I don’t want to fit in! Please, Mommy, don’t make me! I guess if I do start feeling like I’m fitting in I’ll just have to take to writing things on myself again to remind me that “I know something you don’t know!”

Is it wrong to wear a sports bra when one is not at that moment doing any sport? Since I need to do my laundry I had the choice this morning of wearing either a sports bra or an uncomfortable one. I chose the uncomfortable one because I thought I’d be betraying the purpose of the sports bra. So, what’s your opinion on this issue?

In my book of “2001 things to do before you die” I’m supposed to give someone a pedicure. I think I’ll cheat and give someone a foot massage. But whom? Who is 1) willing to let me touch their feet and 2) worthy to have me touch their feet? It’s almost as difficult a dilemma as the sports bra issue. I actually love giving massages…the man who eventually breaks down and earns that $20.00 from my Mom will find that he’ll get plenty of massages! I’ve always thought it would be fun when my husband got home from work to give him a few minutes to himself, then, after dinner, massage his feet while he told me about his day. Ah…that would be a wonderful moment to share with the man I love. (Ooh, I’m so mushy! A hopeless romantic (but not a Hopeless (capital H) one. I blame Jane Austen.)

Well, Katie, I’d better let you go. I hope you have a FABULOUS week.