Monday, April 16, 2007

P.S. None of this is actually true…or is it?

Writer’s studio was canceled today…so I decided to go on an adventure. “What kind of adventures does Maaike go on?” you’re wondering. Most of them are in my head. Like when I was the Captain of a starship called the USS Blacksheep and my crew and I conquered evil all over the cosmos. Others are of me sitting on a plane flying to England to visit Daniel when the seat next to me is occupied by someone like Goran Visnjic who, of course, falls madly in love with me by the end of the flight from New York to London.

But today’s adventure was not in my head…it was on my bike.

Madeline is her name. She used to be a tough street bike owned by David Eames-Harlan, but when I bought her, I put a basket on the back (that still has the sticker from Good Will: $1.99) and covered up the “pretty” parts with electrical tape (because it makes it less appealing to bike thieves). Her name is Madeline because of The Decemberists “The Apology Song” in which a bicycle named Madeline got stolen.

Some of you know that my recent “thing” is to ride my bike as fast as I can in a “traffic be damned” manner. Yes, I know it’s unsafe. I’ve spent my whole life doing what’s safe. Give me a break. HA! Brake! What a choice of words for this story. (Hint: It has to do with Madeline’s brakes, not bones breaking.)

Oh, interjection here for a moment. I told Bishop Redford last night that despite my actual physical age, I know that I am younger than that. I was thinking 27 would work for me. Then there was a conversation between Brian Gibbons, Brandon Lettow, and myself involving my other Daniel’s rope:

“You can tie him up with it.” Said Brian.

“I don’t want to know anything about that!” Brandon said.

“Brandon, when it comes to that kind of stuff I’m basically 12.”

So if I average it all together that would make me 25.3 years old. That’s okay by me. Except I still reserve the right, nay, the privilege, of being a Scorpio. (I have to admit, I love scaring the hell out of people with my Scorpio-ness. It’s a joy. An evil joy.)

Interjection part 2: I got kicked out of my very first place skateboarding the other day. I am slowly arriving into the culture. I bought some Vans so I can skate better. I know it will help. The pink hardware helped. As did knowing that I have pig risers. And my new wheels are in the mail! OLE!

Back to the story. Riding Madeline really fast.

I rode one direction on the trail…saw some bikers and some joggers and a jogger that was running like a girl. In short shorts. It amused me. The way back I rode on the sidewalk…and made in important discovery:

Chubby girls on bikes trying to get thin are most likely to be run over by skinny girls in cars, coming out of fast food restaurants trying to get fat.

My other discovery: I am beautiful. I have a pretty face, a gorgeous smile, amazing hands and a perfect heart-shaped butt. HOWEVER, I often forget this…so please, if you have a compliment for me. I’ll take it.

I’ll probably never be thin again. But I’ll always be me. I like me. I hope you do to.

Oh…and Madeline needs new brakes.

Here's the song:

"The Apology Song"

I'm really sorry Steven
But your bicycle's been stolen
I was watching it for you
'Til you came back in the fall
Guess I didn't do a good job after all

I was feeling really sorry Steven
And I spent all morning grieving
And everybody's saying
That you'll take the news gracefully
Somehow I don't think I'll be getting off so easily

I meant her no harm
When I left her unlocked
Outside the Orange Street Food Farm
I was just running in
Didn't think I'd be that long
I came out, she was gone
And all that was there was some bored old dog
Leashed up to the place where your bicycle had been
Guess we'll never see poor Madeleine again

Let this be consolation, Steven
That all the while you were in England
I treated her with care and respect
And gave her lots of love
And I was usually pretty good 'bout locking her up

Where has she gone?
Well, I bet she's on the bottom of the Frenchtown pond
Rudely abused on some hescher's joyride
So I wrote you this song
In the hope that you'd forgive me
Even though it was wrong
Being so careless with a thing so great
And taking your poor Madeleine away, away


Sally said...

Is that heart-shaped like a valentine or heart-shaped as in anatomical? I haven't actually made a practice of checking out your backside, so now I'm curious.

By the way, thanks for inviting me last Friday. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Since the last time you, Danger and I got together, now that I think about it.

Maaike said...

It's like an upside down valentine heart. Or as JD on "Scrubs" said, "your butt is like two Pringles hugging."

BigBird said...

yes, Maaike has a nice heart butt. Is it totally weird that I said that? hmmmm

jen urena said...

i love you maaike!