I wanted to sleep last night. I wanted to sleep so badly. But I couldn’t. My brain just wouldn’t stop and the space in my chest where my heart was just hours before was aching so painfully I thought my ribs were collapsing.
Trying to make myself tired I ended up wandering my apartment at 2:00 am. I thought about trying my “running for my life” idea…but the truth is if you’re a woman and you’re going to run for your life, you’re going to want a good bra. And since it was 2:00 am and what I really wanted to do was sleep, there was no way I was going to put my bra back on.
So, I did some crying and wandering and then I went back to bed. I woke up at 8:30, took a shower, called Kylie and cried to her. I’ve known Kylie for six years-ish, and this is the first time I’ve cried to her. I think. I don’t cry…a lot. But this really hurt.
When I was walking to the post office this morning, I had my sunglasses on and I was walking really fast and crying. I guess one thing was good: I got some exercise. In the mail I got a package from a girl named Erin in Florida. She sent me some Easter goodies and a story about her adventure trying to bake a cake—which was SO much like many of my baking stories that I was LAUGHING out loud! (It was strange to sit there and think how a stranger saved me today. I’m going to write back to her. I think she’s my newest friend.) I also heard from my friend Erin in Seattle. Which was great, and slightly ironic.
In my attempts today to make sense of the nonsense I decided to clean my bathroom floor. I’d rearrange my apartment (like a certain friend of mine does when she’s having life issues: wink, wink!) but there really isn’t anywhere to put things. So, I was cleaning my floor when it dawned on me that I needed some corn chips.
It’s good to know that my mind could find something so mundane in the swirling eddy.