How are you today? I think you need a quiz. So, this letter is written in multiple choice...and like all good tests, the answer is always “C” Good luck.
1. This weekend should be an adventure. I’m going to:
a. The Bahamas
b. Raise a People’s Army and seize control of the State
c. Play games with Joe, Matt, Brian and Nathan.
d. Count “pellets” to see how many rabbits live in a certain area.
2. We do it every weekend because we are:
b. Part of a research panel.
c. Addicted to the games.
d. Afraid of going to the “funstitute” and getting strange diseases.
3. Today while walking to campus I saw:
a. Ralph Nader.
b. An Asian girl eating the lawn.
c. Two geese having an argument over air space.
d. The Light.
4. And also noticed that:
a. Two wrongs DO make a right.
b. All three sides of an equilateral triangle really are the same.
c. The sun has shifted just enough that the “Disappearing Tree” no longer works.
d. My breasts were looking rather perky.
5. So far at work it has been:
a. Revelatory of the entire meaning of life.
b. One fire storm after another.
c. Incredibly boring.
6. Luckily I saw:
a. Dancing pink elephants.
b. Pablo in checkered jeans.
c. Louis Perraud in the elevator.
d. A total eclipse.
7. And he’s going to:
a. Learn the cha-cha.
b. Protest the new turf by chaining himself to the lawn.
c. Bring me some tests to correct.
8. So, that will keep me busy for a bit. Unfortunately the people who are supposed to be at work this morning:
a. Died in a freak napalm accident.
b. Support the new turf.
c. Haven’t shown up.
d. Are all Republicans.
9. But, seeing as it’s:
a. Just impossible to put a Cadillac in your nose...
b. Come as your favorite nudist day...
c. April Fool’s Day...
d. All pointless anyway...
10. I’m glad that:
a. Mini’s are the new IN car.
b. It’s a least starting to warm up.
c. Elizabeth isn’t here.
d. I’ll be getting those points for “enduring to the end”.
11. Elizabeth is:
a. A figment of my imagination.
b. A Mafia hit man (or is a “hit person” more politically correct?)
c. A very, VERY funny girl.
d. The bane of my existence.
12. She says she only keeps me around because:
a. I give her money.
b. I can calculate Pi to fifteen digits.
c. I smell better than most monkeys.
d. I have a nice butt.
13. So, I’m glad she’s not here because I’m:
a. Strangely attracted to her.
b. Unwilling to share my air space.
c. Afraid of the April Fool’s Jokes she might play.
d. Still recovering from last time.
14. In fact, yesterday, she stuck a sticker to my desk that read:
a. I voted!
b. “W” stands for wuss.
c. Maaike stinks.
d. I love Louis.
15. She’s always making fun of me because:
a. I’m a Mormon.
b. I have a fantastic ass.
c. Both A and B
d. None of the above.
16. But it’s all:
a. Going in my report.
b. Being recorded in Sherril’s office.
c. In good fun.
d. Moot because she doesn’t really exist.
17. And we really do spend the entire day:
a. Braiding each other’s hair.
b. Plotting how to sabotage the government.
c. Laughing until our stomachs ache.
d. Knitting exciting underwear.
18. Jeff Beck’s birthday is on the 19th and Christina and I are going to:
a. Dance a Pagan ritual in his honor.
b. Bake him a cake and then eat it all in his name.
c. Make him a silly little gift box.
d. Tease him about having “poo” in his closet.
19. Actually both John and Matt:
a. Know all the words to Abba’s “Dancing Queen”
b. Have poo in their closets, too.
c. Are having birthdays in April as well.
d. Are wankers.
20. The Spell Checker wants me to change the word “Wanker” to:
a. Special Child of God
b. Short stack.
d. Midget platter holders.
21. I’ve been to work for three hours and I’ve only:
a. Gotten rid of one of my rashes
b. Thought of fourteen digits of Pi.
c. Helped one student.
d. Had seven visions of the Future.
22. Boy, I sure hope Louis
a. Can keep his lunch down.
b. Drives a Mini.
c. Brings me those tests soon.
d. Admits his undying love for garlic pesto before we run out.
23. Well, I suppose that’s all for today. I hope you:
a. Didn’t cheat.
b. Don’t get caught for causing that freak napalm accident.
c. Got them all right.
d. Voted for Ralph Nader.
a. George Wuss Bush
b. The voices in your head.
d. St. Jeff...the Patron Saint of Dangerous Driving.
25. I hope you had:
a. Your flu shots.
b. Your seat belt securely fastened.
d. Broccoli in your teeth.
P.S. Here is the True/False portion of your quiz:
1. T F Maaike is incredibly creative.
2. T F We’re all happy that Jeff threw away the poo.
3. T F Matt probably doesn’t know what a wanker is.
4. T F Republicans care about the environment.
5. T F Women like watching four hours of football.
6. T F Thrift Store shoppers make better lovers.
7. T F Republicans care about other human beings.
8. T F Christina loves meat that comes in TUBES like hot dogs.
9. T F Platonic love often becomes boring.
10. T F Even if you’re a mutant, you can still get men as long as you have good boobs.
Just in case you’re having a hard time, the answers are: T,T,T,F,F,T,F,F,T,T.
Just in case you’re wondering: 3.14159265358979.