Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Dear Katie--April 29, 2005

Hi Katie! April 29, 2005

How are you today? Have you found someone new to replace the dreaded Metrosexual Dreamboat? I hope. I mean, you’re gorgeous I’m sure you can find someone! We’re having adventures up here...for example the infamous Joe that we’re all fighting over:

We’re all still fighting over Joe
Ok, you know those guys that get up out of their chairs for you? The ones that when you’re having a bad day really (REALLY) do want to listen? The ones that if you need help they drop what they’re doing and actually show up? You know those guys...the ones that live in our heads? Anyway, I FOUND ONE IN REAL LIFE!! His name is Joseph Carl Mitchell and he has all those beautiful qualities. (He’s a Cancer so he’s one of those rare signs willing to admit that emotions exist and that a man can be affected as well.) Anyway, Jade, Tennille and I have taken to fighting over him. He used to be my pretend boyfriend, along with T.J. Adams, but I’ve promoted Joe from “pretend boyfriend” to “real boyfriend” (since T.J. was only willing to give me Sundays and then he even backed out on that to take a nap!). I think next semester, when Camille is living with us as well, we’ll all be fighting over Joe. Poor Joe. That’s what he gets for being wonderful.

And he’s even earned a nickname! Since, for some unknown reason, Nathan continues to think Joe’s name is Rob, we’ve given him the nickname of Handsome Rob (you know, Jason Statham’s character in “The Italian Job”–Christina came up with it, I’ve got to give credit where credit it due!). Or, he could be Rob Anybody Feegle from “The Wee Free Men” by Terry Pratchett, but there is certain joy in getting to call him “handsome” whenever I feel like it without even considering consequences!

The problem remains that the year that I graduated from high school was the year that Joe was old enough to get baptized. But, if you consider the fact that we’re all ETERNAL we’re all the same age. I’ve just got to prove to be the best catch of all my roomies. (I’m going to cook him dinner this week–a recipe that my Daddy taught me and I can actually do! I’m not a very good cook, but this should be impressive...I hope.)

You know how dreams find their roots in what happened to us that day, well, I had a dream that Joe rescued me from an angry mob (well, an angry mob consisting of three guys in black t-shirts) and you know, he did kind of rescue me for real on Sunday. I needed gentleness and he gave it to me. What a good man. (And the best part is that he’s defecting from 5th Ward to 3rd Ward and he says that he wants to sit by me at church!)

The funniest thing...I saw Joe in Walmart with some brunette and I said, “Hi Joe” and the look on the girl’s face was like: why are you talking to my Joe? Do you not see me here! He’s my JOE! It was a hoot. I had to tell Joe about it later because, of course, he couldn’t see her face at the time. AND I tried to invite Joe over to play Settlers again, but, try as he might to be a faithful boyfriend to me, he keeps getting asked out on dates. I told him as long as they’re brunettes I won’t worry too much. But he should really avoid the blondes.

Then I asked him to check his date book to see if he was available...then I said, “Let’s call it a planner instead of date book because I can’t handle the jealousy of not having my name written on every day.”

So, Katie, do you think I could win the heart of a good guy? (I mean a good guy like Joe; he actually is GOOD. White hat and all.) I don’t know–there’s that part of me that thinks since I haven’t been a good girl that I deserve someone who’s a bit of a dictator (“and I’m only using the “tator” ‘cause you’re family”) but then again, I’m not a martyr and I deserve someone who loves me just because he loves me–not saying that Joe loves me anymore than, well, let’s say, T.J. does, but I deserve it because I’m a fabulous, giving person. But, the truth is that I’d probably just wonder the whole time which of my roommates he was really coming over to see!

Joy replaced by TERROR!!
You know, that joy I had about being accepted to grad school didn’t take long to turn into sheer terror. I think I’m going to go insane because of the stress. I missed my meeting with Rob to figure out what classes I’m going to take...we rescheduled and then he had something come up and he cancelled. We have yet to reschedule again. Oh well...life goes on.

Then I had a job interview to teach the Comm 101 classes...and I was stressed and nervous about it. And while I was at work waiting for 11:30am to arrive, Elizabeth spent the morning SCARING THE SHIZA OUT OF ME!! She’d take her first to fingers so that they looked like snake fangs and in a quiet moment she’d go “AHHH!” and stab me with her fingers. I jumped every time...even the time that I was looking right at her and she pretended to be going after Lucia but got me instead. So...add that to the caffeine running through my system, I’m sure I made quite an impression on the woman.

Teddy Jessup: Soccer all-star
Wednesday is Kylie night and I go to Kylie’s house, we hang out and watch “Lost” and she makes me dinner. Last Wednesday I got to watch Teddy play soccer. IT WAS SO CUTE to see these little three and four year olds running around in their little uniforms trying to kick a ball into the goal. They were ADORABLE.

Teddy made a goal so Kylie, a couple other moms and I all cheered, “Good Job, Ted!” He turned to the crowd and gave the cutest yes-these-are-my-adoring-fans smile I’d ever seen in my entire life. Seriously, I should have brought my camera!!

After the game we were all sitting on the couch at Kylie’s house. You know how big brothers always take your arm when you’re relaxed and do that “stop hitting yourself” thing? Well, I have a nicer version called “noodle arms” and I was doing that to Teddy and he was laughing. It’s funny because when they have noodle arms, it looks like their arms stretch out longer. Ted said, “Do it to mom!” But Kylie didn’t want noodle arms. (I can’t say that I blame her.) But this led to an amazing discovery:

If you ever need to totally immobilize Kylie Jessup...tickle her feet. She’s helpless. She just sits there laughing and can’t even defend herself. I was laughing so hard!

New words:
When I went to the job interview, the woman was a tiny little thing. Like Lucia, or Jade, or let’s say YOU...so I felt, as per usual, like Fezzic the giant (only I haven’t been fighting small groups for local charities. And I’m not unemployed in Greenland.) Anyway, my roomies and I went to check out a new apartment and the girl that showed us around was a tiny little thing...and so was her husband. I felt like I’d entered Munchkinland.

But then there was this really tall guy who came in to take a mythology test...and when he sat down he bonked his knee on the desk. It made a really big thud sound and he did that intake of air hiss, but refrained from saying bad words. I was quite proud of him. He talked to me about the bane of being tall. Ah...I understand.

Later I saw him in the hallway sitting up to a table. I said, “It looks like that table fits you a little better than the desks in the lab did.”

He said, “Yes, it’s a little more comfortable for those of us who are vertically enthusiastic.”

“Vertically enthusiastic? I like that!” I said. Then he explained that he took some class that was pretty much all about being politically correct and that’s what he came up with to describe tall people.

So, I’m no longer tall...I’m a Vertically Enthusiastic Dutch American.

Here are some of my friend’s nicknames:

Matt Ellsworth: Sparkle, Ocho, Robo-Matt, Matt-Matty-Matt-Matt-Matty-Matty-Matt-Matt
Christina Curtis: Yolanda, Yo, THE Yo, Christina Bobina, Christina Bobina Yolanda Hoop, Hoop
Joe Mitchell: Rob, Handsome Rob, Genuinely Handsome Handsome Rob, Rob Anybody Feegle
Jeff Beck: Jeffrey Leah Beck, St. Jeff the Patron Saint of Dangerous Driving, Jeff-Jeffty-Jeff born in nineteen jeffty-jeff
Caleb Twitchell: Twitch, The Twitch
Daniel Roots: Wesley, Henry, Batman, Squishy, Absolute Bastard
Ben Stellmon: Sweetie

But the funniest thing happened last night...I was talking to my mom on the phone (telling her that the cheesy potatoes actually turned out!) when someone knocked at the door. I opened it and said, “It’s Cute Jeff.”

“Do you know an ugly one?” Mom asked. “Is that how you tell them apart?”

I giggled, but I assured her that I didn’t know an Ugly Jeff. My mom’s a hoot.

My watch goes crazy:
I bought a watch at the Good Will in Pullman. I needed a watch that didn’t come from a cereal box and this one was not only pretty damn cool, but it also reminded me of a watch that David Boreanaz was wearing in a photo (mmm...handsome man). So, I bought it. But, like all things I own, it’s gone slightly mental.

First of all, the date thing doesn’t work on Friday or Saturday. It’s shows up Sunday through Wednesday perfectly, then on Thursday it tells me that it’s both Thursday and Friday. Then it shuts off for a couple of days. I figure it just goes back to my Jewish heritage and is observing what it considers the Sabbath day.

The other day it went completely bonkers and started beeping EVERY FIVE MINUTES! That’s something that wasn’t a heritage at all, but just a proven way to drive me insane. Since I bought the watch at Good Will, it didn’t come with instructions so I sat there pushing buttons until it finally stopped. Thanks heavens.

But now it beeps every hour on the hour. I have to put it in my closest under a pile of clothes so I can sleep and it doesn’t wake me up all night long.

Eddie-Phil loses his memory:
Do you remember Eddie-Phil? My teddy bear with multiple personality disorder? Well, when Camille was staying with us that weekend, she walked by just as I was asking Eddie-Phil what I should wear to church. She stopped and looked into my room to see who I was talking to. I pointed to Eddie. “This is Eddie.” I said.

“Oh, ok.” she said and looked at me as if I’d gone completely off the cliff.

“Well, you know how Jade has Piggy? This is Eddie.” Camille, having been friends with Jade longer than I have been knows perfectly well who Piggy is. She smiled at me in the same way most people do when confronted with the mentally unstable. “He helps me pick out my church clothes.” I said.

“Great.” she said, and slowly started to back away.

“But, the funniest thing is that he has multiple personality disorder and sometimes thinks his name is Phil.” I said.

Camille just smiled and walked away.

Eddie-Phil has no memory of Camille’s visit. But he does remember the day that Piggy came over and spent the day with him...he won’t shut up about it!

This girl doesn’t exist:
There were two girls in the hallway trying to speak French. The one asked a question to which the second replied, “Je ne suis pas.” Then she said, using a bit of Franglais, “Oops! I meant, ‘Je ne sais pas.” A slight difference, really...but instead of answering the first girl’s question with a simple “I don’t know” the second girl actually admitted to not existing in the first place.

Imaginary Friends can prove to be...confusing:
Before Joe became my official boyfriend, I was telling Aubrey about him. I said that I had a new pretend boyfriend and his name is Joe.

“Does his name have to be Joe?” Aubrey asked. “Maybe you could come up with a different name for your pretend boyfriend.”

“No, his name has to be Joe.” I said.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because he really is called Joe. He really does exist, he’s just pretending to be my boyfriend.” I explained. Then Aubrey looked at me a bit incredulously, as if trying to decide if Joe really was real, or if I’d just gone over the edge of pretending into thinking my invisible friends are real.

But, I learned the dangers of that when I spent the summer with my invisible friends, Joey and the Toms. When the invisible friends start talking back to you, making you laugh hysterically, it’s time to let them join the ether. Or, as Christina pointed out, if you’re playing “Twenty Questions” with your invisible friends and they stump you, then it’s time to move on.

Don’t make fun of the Canadian:
Randy’s mother-in-law has a new boyfriend and he was coming for a visit. Knowing how jokey her children and sons-in-law can be she asked them not to make fun of her boyfriend for being from Canada. She didn’t want any Canada jokes at all. They all agreed to behave themselves and not make fun of the Canadian. Then she said, “Oh, and don’t make fun of his voice either.”

“Why? What’s wrong with his voice?” they asked.

“His voice is a little funny because he was in an accident.” she explained.

“Oh, really?”

“Yes,” she said, “he was hit in the throat with a hockey puck.”

And that’s really all there is to say about that.

Well, Katie, my dear. I hope you have a FABULOUS week. There are only two more weeks of school left. Two crazy test weeks, trying to figure out about going to grad school. Trying to decide where I should be...oh...one last story:

Maaike learns just a little slower than most:
I was walking up to campus, talking to Heavenly Father at the same time. I said, “I have no one physically to turn to at this stressful time, so I have to turn to you. And you’re God and omnipotent and all of that stuff and I should be turning to you in the first place anyway. Holy Crap! Is that what this’s been about the whole time?!”


It hit me and I stopped there for a second under the newly budding trees and thought, “Man, I’m so glad that He has so much patience with me.”

I really do learn slowly, but at least I learn eventually!!

I hope you have a GREAT day, Katie, my dear! Stay out of trouble and remember to keep watching out for those good guys...they really do exist!


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