Dear Jade, May 1, 2004
Hello! How are you? Things here are good. So, what are you up to? Hey, if you come back in January I might just have a place to live. I’m not keeping the apartment: Shaunee and Brice are going to take it. I’m trying to get into the McConnell buildings, but if I don’t I’ll housesit for Jamie and Marie Freeman. You could live with me and we’ll share the rent—it’ll just be $125 each, plus utilities. That would be nice. So, if you do come back to UI then you can live with me. OH. I don’t have the same phone number any more. I’ve made it into the age of cell phones. Dave Sare pointed out once, 1 out of 4 people on the UI campus knows who Maaike is, so, if you forget the number, just start asking people!!
So, here are my latest adventures:
Maaike: The Selfish One
Monika was suffering from the same thing every woman suffers from (no, not dumb men, although a GREAT many of us suffer from that). Anyway, I asked what I could do for her. She said I could take her period. I told her I couldn’t do that…that I had my own to look forward to. She said, “Well, the one thing I ask you to do for me, you won’t do!” She makes me laugh.
The Opposite of “True”
I was interviewing Pablo—because I had that kind of time on my hands—and we were talking about the role of truth in Creative Nonfiction. After thinking for a bit, he asked me, “What’s the opposite of true?” I said, “False.” He started laughing hysterically. I think it must have dawned on him that in Spanish, it’s: falso.
Christina and I, looking for something to do one Sunday afternoon, decided to go for a drive. I asked, “Where should we go?” and Christina replied, “Uniontown.” I said, “Where’s that?” She said, “It’s on the way to Lewiston. I have no idea what’s there, but the sign always makes me very curious.”
So, we drove to Uniontown. We did find something very interesting there…we found a building that was the fire station, the town hall and the library, all three together. We figured that there’s probably an octogenarian running all three. He just wanders between them wherever he’s needed. We also went to Colton—another small Idaho Town—and took a picture of a really pretty church. Then we went to Pullman for Mexican food. It was a very fun trip.
Next week we’re going to Wawawai.
A True Email
Christina (Yo) emailed me on Monday morning to see how things were going, this is my response:
Yo…ack…time difference affecting me…can’t wake up…woke up…really late…I stink…like poo-spreading tractor…went to class…class was cancelled…still stink…no time to go home…at work…stinking…stinking work…ack.
Another True Email
After interviewing Pablo I remembered that I had to add him to my works cited list. Mayhem results…as per usual.
Hi…I have to cite you in my works cited page. What’s your title? I could make one up…creative non-fiction: Pablo Garcia PhD, Spanish Literature and Tango. Perhaps I’d better tell the truth on this one…so…what’s your title?
Linnea Herrera Needs to Run an Errand
I was just about to leave work, when I decided to check my emails. There was one from Linnea—she needed a ride and asked if I could help her out. I called her up to find out where she was. She works in the Aquaculture Lab. Sure, where the heck is that? She told me it’s on Poultry Hill. Ah, yes. Poultry Hill. I know it well. WHAT THE HECK?! So I drove around and around until I saw a sign that read: Poultry Hill. I followed it. Up and up into the haunted remains of buildings by the Kibbie (the spell checker sugges: Kibbles, Cabbie, or Kirby) Dome. I was just about to get the heck out of there before my soul was taken over by poltergeists, when I saw another sign: Aquaculture. Then Linnea walked out of the building. HORRAY! I found her.
Mixing up the Brians
Ok, so I was trying to send an email to Brian Passey (brianp in my friends list) but I accidentally sent it to my brother Brian (brian in my friends list). Here’s the mayhem that ensued:
Hi guys, Would you be available either tomorrow or Saturday so that I can take your pictures while you wear these pink slippers my sister crocheted for me? Yes, I’ll explain it later.
Sorry Bri, I meant to ask Brian Passey if he’s wear my slippers. Now I’ll definitely have to explain that to you, won’t I?
If Mr. Passey gets to wear them, I get to wear them, too
The Wrong Brian (aka Mr. Fong)
Dan Orozco Sends Crazy Emails Again:
I wanted to apologize for panicking in the spotlight yesterday. I appreciate your confidence in me! It means a lot!
Have a GREAT day!
Even Laurence Olivier panicked, throwing up due to stage fright before stage performances. And you didn’t even barf. So no worries.
WHAT Are The Squirrels Doing:
The squirrels on campus amaze me. And although Alex Winn did decide I’d be a ferret if I were an animal, I’d have to choose squirrel. Why? Let me tell you. The other day I was walking to campus and this squirrel was hauling ass towards this tree. He was about two feet away from it and just leapt into the air. He caught the tree with his feet and scrambled up it before you could say “Bob’s your uncle.” I can’t even climb the stairs to the top of the Admin without getting winded.
PLUS, if you’re a squirrel not only do you get to eat with your hands, but you get to eat with BOTH OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME!! Now, that’s how to live life! As Eddie Izzard said in his squirrel impersonation: Did I leave the stove on? No! I’m a f*in’ squirrel!!
Then there was this guy sitting on a bench, doing homework in the sunshine. This squirrel saw him and walked up carefully. He was looking at the guy and I could her this little squirrel brain saying, “Hey! Give me food, human! Look, I’m cute! Give me food!” Unfortunately, the dude had no food and the squirrel left.
Then there was this squirrel sitting right by the edge of the sidewalk, eating something with two hands. As I approached, he ran up the hill, and turned around sitting with his back to a tree. I guess he didn’t want someone to sneak up behind him and steal his food.
Curly Sends Mom an Eskimo.
Mom’s cousin Curly lives in Soldotna, Alaska. Mom was telling him one day about being lonely without Dad, so Curly asked, “Do you want me to sent you an Eskimo?”
Mom said, “You’d better send eighteen of them.”
“Why?” asked Curly.
“Because there are eighteen of us in the widow’s group that I hang out with.”
“Well, I don’t think I can find that many.”
“At least send one who’s got oil money, because I don’t want to have to eat whale blubber.”
Matt Makes a “Discovery”
This story needs some help. We’ll start with dictionary definition, ok…Discover: To be the first to find out, see, or know about. To be the first nonnative person to find, come to, or see. That’s where this story falls apart. I was walking one day with Matt Ellsworth and he asked, “Hey, do you want to take the shortcut I’ve discovered?” Being the person I am, I decided to go for it. We started walking. Soon he lead me in the direction I’d gne several times before. I kept waiting for the shortcut to appear. We walked along a trail carved into the grass by years of college-aged feet trampling it down. Matt smiled triumphantly and said, “This is the shortcut I discovered.”
“Matt,” I said in my usual sarcastic tone, “if there’s a trail, it ain’t a discovery.”
Brian and Michelle Send Me a T-Shirt
Brian and Michelle went to San Francisco. I told them to find me a tall, dark haired, blue-eyed, European man…instead they sent me a t-shirt. It reads: Property of Alcatraz penitentiary: Reject, too cute. HEHEHE! I love it! Now, if only I could find that man! (I’ve decided he looks and sounds like Goran Visnjic.)
Maaike Gets Asked Out on a Date
Yes, true believers, it actually happened! John Withers, piano player, tall, blue-eyed, brown haired, cynical, world-traveler has asked me Maaike D. on a date! He asked me by email, either because I’m too scary in person, or he didn’t know my new phone number (or a third alternative: he’s more shy than I think.) We’re going on Thursday to see the play “The Pirates of Penzance.” I’m feeling very good about myself. He really is a fun guy, and I enjoy talking to him. I hope that I don’t get all weird and can enjoy myself. It’s so much pressure. I need to talk to Brian Hopper…ack!
Well, my date with John went very well, I had a wonderful time. I found out that he also plays violin. He’s quite talented. He’s also just a bit taller than I thought he was. I’m thinking 6’3”. I think he’s running the risk of making me forget about that little Spanish guy—what’s his name again? AND since John is tall, I can give up on the whole painting someone blue and putting them in my pocket—because I can be his pocket-sized friend. Mmm…now the terror begins: Will he ask me on a second date?
Well, Jade, my dear, I think that’s it for today. I have sent your friend a Dear John letter and have recruited some others to do it, too. Hopefully he gets some fun ones. I hope you have a GREAT day and I’m so glad that you’re enjoying being a missionary!