Dear Jade, August 28, 2003
Hi! Thanks for your letter. I absolutely loved the story about you and your roommate locking your keys in your trunk. I’m going to do that in the hopes of meeting a gorgeous fireman. At this point Fate steps in as per usual and I’ll end up being helped by a little old man with bad teeth and a Houdini complex.
Boy oh boy are you missing fun this semester at church...so far the scales have greatly titled so that it seems to be 99.9% female. One Sunday I saw this guy sitting by himself in Sunday School. I leaned over and said, “Hi, I’m Maaike. What’s your name?” He said, “Why?” and scowled. I was totally flabbergasted so I couldn’t think of anything to say. If given the chance I’d go back and say, “If I had my letter opener, I’d give you such a stabbing.”
The next Sunday I talked to a lonely girl who later introduced me to her husband, the second counselor, who then asked me to talk in Sacrament meeting. (I did...and I was amazing). So, the moral of these stories is: Do Not Introduce Yourself to Lonely People at Church.
Now school news...the Maaike version...I have two literature survey classes which means my shoulder are going to be so buff because of lugging around one Norton and one Heath Anthology. One class is taught by Sheila O’Brien who reminds me of my seventh grade art teacher who was rumored to be drinking anything BUT coffee from her thermos. And the other teacher, Kurt Olsson (yes, the two S’s are legitimate!) His class has the redeeming quality of including the one and only Brian Passey. (Whom I would still paint blue and carry around in my pocket if only I were allowed. I tried to save him a seat on Wednesday, but I’m too darn popular and was soon surrounded by other people who adore me...but I don’t harbor the same hopes of painting blue and carrying in my pocket. (Why blue? Only the deep dark recesses of my psyche knows and it’s not telling!))
Anyway, continuing...I have French Cinema with Joan West, who is seriously a cartoon in human disguise. She waves her arms in exaggerated motions and always wears bright or sparkly clothes. I think she used to be a close personal friend of Snagglepuss but decided to become a French teacher. Next is my actual French class taught by Sarah Nelson. She’s fun, but everyday after class I’m in a panic that I really don’t know what I’m doing–but my friend, Richard Council, is in the class again. This is the 5th semester of French with Richard. He cut off his hair. He had long, beautiful strawberry blonde hair and he cut it all off. He said he cut it with a beard and moustache trimmer and that it took him two hours. Silly boy. And finally, I have creative writing with Kim Barnes. She’s used to teaching Graduate students, so she is looking forward to taking it easy. HEY! A GOOD-LOOKING GUY WITH A GUITAR!! (Sorry, I’m easily distracted.) Anyway, my friend, Ryan Butherus is in that class, too. I’ve had at least one class with him every semester.
Here’s what I can see out the window: a set of twins–or frat brothers taking their friendship a little too seriously. A guy with a leg brace. A guy that I would happily put in a Levi’s commercial. And an Asian girl who appears to be eating the lawn–oh no, it’s something in a bag on the lawn, oh, maybe it’s the lawn–hard to tell from the 3rd floor of the Commons. Oh look! There goes Jamie Freeman!
I got a compliment from a boy (Daniel Burton from my poetry class last year) today. He said, and I quote, “You have amazing peripheral vision.” Yes, yes, I do...I’m gonna put it on my resume. Peripheral Vision has to do with seeing...looking is another way of saying seeing. So, basically what Daniel was saying was “You look amazing!” At this stage in the game, I’ll take anything.
School’s been going for about a week now, and here are the discoveries I’ve made so far:
1. (My favorite discovery so far) The toilets on campus don’t have the tank in the back, just the pipes with the flushy-thing, anyway, when I’m in a hurry, I can pee without taking off my backpack!
2. English professors are all slightly off center and need some kind of mental attention from trained psychologists.
3. French professors are in even deeper.
4. Walter Hesford and Gary Williams should never have children together.
5. Scottish accents are the best.
6. Don’t trust M&M’s out of the vending machines in the Buchannan Engineering Lab building.
7. Billy Boyd, Sam Neill and Jeremy Northam should be rolled together into one man and be given to me to do with as I see fit.
So, that’s what I’ve learned so far. I hope that you are having a GREAT day, that you are staying out of trouble, not locking your keys in your trunk anymore, and that your life in Jersy is teaching you that University life is CAKE!