Dear Jade--April 1, 2004

Dear Jade, April 1, 2004

Hi! How are you? I hope things are GREAT and that you’re still dancing! I loved the photos of you dancing. It cracked me up, you are a funny girl. I’m making a little story about some pink slippers my sister sent me…I’ll send you picture then. Although I’m going to have to doctor mine up. I’m a lot thinner in my mind than I am in reality. It’s kind of a strange form of reverse low self-esteem. I only feel bad about how I look when confronted with photos of myself. In the mirror I’m FINE. In my head, I’m FINE. In pictures I’m a cow! Go figure.

I had a FABULOUS time in England! Daniel is still as gorgeous as ever. He always makes me feel good about myself, makes me feel beautiful, and important. What a wonderful thing to have in a friend. I’m making my travel log right now, typing things up. I’ll give you some highlights:

Hadrian’s Wall

Our adventure began with seeing a sign that said “Hadrian’s Wall”. Well, that’s a bit of history worth seeing. So we followed the sign. We followed it. And followed it. And followed it some more. Suddenly Daniel shouted, “Where’s Hadrian’s bloody wall?” We finally found a parking lot that had a sing about Hadrian’s Wall. We pulled over and I took a picture of the wall that was there. It might have been Hadrian’s but more than likely it was Farmer Joe’s Wall. There were some wooly sheep that I decided to take a picture of, but as I approached them, Daniel honked the horn of the car and they all ran away. As punishment for chasing off the sheep, I took a picture of Daniel sitting in the little car eating a banana.

Trapped By Poo

Our next adventure in Scotland featured beautiful fields and a tractor spreading poo. We could smell it and we discussed the fact that the farmer was spreading poo on his fields. Suddenly the smell because overwhelming. We were suffocating. But the problem was that since we were in Darren’s car, neither of us knew how to roll down the windows! We were looking all over the doors, the panel, everywhere! There was NOTHING! The smell was getting more and more invasive…we could almost taste it. We were trapped by poo! What a way to die, eh? Finally Daniel found the switches to roll the windows down…on the middle of the dash, where the radio was. WHO puts the window roller-downy things on the dash? Really! What a strange headline that would have been: Death by poo inhalation.

Real Italians

When we arrived in Edinburgh, we drove around and around trying to find a Bed and Breakfast. Finally we found one with a parking spot right in front. It was perfect. There was a double bed and a single. Daniel gave me the double—because I am Queen of the Universe. We looked around town for a bit and then decided that we would see a movie. We walked to the theater, got our tickets and then searched for a place to eat. We settled on an Italian restaurant. Unlike the Italian restaurants at home, this one was run by real Italians. The food was fabulous—and the cook was GORGEOUS! (I had a clear view.)

Anyway, those are some of my adventures from the first couple of days. As I said, I’m working on my travel log! BUT, the best part of the WHOLE thing was just seeing Daniel again. I love him so much.

A Story About Pants

You have stories about Dance. I have stories about pants. (In England, this would have to be a story about trousers because pants are underwear. But trousers doesn’t rhyme with dance and would thus negate my fabulous start to this paragraph.) Anyway, here goes, a story about pants.

My favorite Spaniard–whom I’ve taken to calling The Stupid Spanish Wanker because he didn’t choose me–doesn’t teach Spanish on Thursdays. Today (Thursday) I saw him working on some stuff for his class this summer. But that’s irrelevant, other than to know that Thursdays are his day off. The point is that he was wearing the most unfortunate pants. They were very eighties inspired. Jeans with knee patches (like the elbow patches on a suit coat), and blue and white CHECKERED! Yes, that’s right, CHECKERED jeans. Who would really wear those? And he was wearing them with a green shirt with the face of a wolf on it, and a blue cardigan. Now, don’t get me wrong, I for one LOVE it when people wear different things to express themselves through their clothing. BUT when the wearer of the clothes is The Stupid Spanish Wanker, it’s just better for me to laugh. And believe me, these jeans are worth laughing.

More about Pants (A story told in parentheses)

I was telling Jose (Junior) that I can’t find pants (trousers) that fit (really, I can’t–it’s IMPOSSIBLE to find women’s pants (trousers) with a 36 inch inseam! I have a yard of inseam–Now those are legs!) Why I was telling a married man (Jose (Junior)) about my shopping problems I couldn’t tell you–let’s just say it was Checkered-Jeans-Inspired madness. Anyway, I lent Jose (Junior) my pocket knife (to open the plastic wrap from a cassette tape). (My pocket knife is this little purple, flowery, miniature pocket knife my Mommy gave me for Christmas to put on my key ring (that I left at Erin’s house while I traveled so it wouldn’t b e confiscated at the airports!)). So, Jose (Junior) had my keys. I told him that he could steal my car (AJ), break into my house (apartment) and steal all of my mail. He said that instead he’d break into my house and steal my pants (trousers). ACK! I told him I couldn’t live my life with only skirts (especially if forced to wear nylons with them–sorry, shouldn’t rub it in, should I, Jade?). So, as a compromise he said he’s leave my sweats. I don’t own any sweats, so I’m hoping that he’ll leave me my SpongeBob Squarepants (Squaretrousers) pajamas instead.

More about Jose

Jose works at the language lab with me. He has a brother who also works there...who is also named Jose. (Do you remember Larry, Darryl and Darryl?) Anyway, to avoid the confusion I asked Joel how to keep them separate. It turns out that he had it figured out. Jose is younger than Jose, so they call him Junior. Ok, that’s solved. The other Jose is called Nemo. Why?–because, as Joel explains it, he’s always LOST! He’s always asking Joel to explain things to him. Isn’t that hilarious?! So, now it’s junior and Nemo. And we all know who’s who.

More About Joel

Joel is very handsome, very good looking. He has a girlfriend called Monica. (Men are like parking spaces, the good ones are taking and the rest are handicapped.) Anyway, his whole name is Joel Agustine Gongora. Isn’t that beautiful? I love the name Agustine! So, not only is he handsome, smart and funny, but he also has an AMAZING name. What a poop.

My Computer is Possessed

My computer, when I log off of MSN, instead of saying “Goodbye” says something like, “Gooooddddbbbyyyyyeeeee!!” and it kind of creeps me out. My computer is also under the impression that its name is Billy. (I had named it Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuffs, but when Ryan repaired it, he convinced my computer that it is called Billy). Yes, of course after Billy Boyd. BUT what if I do meet him, and he falls madly in love with me, we get married, live happily ever after AND then he finds out my computer is called BILLY? Would he be worried? I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it! (Which we all know is inevitable!)

Brian Passey Back in the news

Well, guess who’s made it back into my letters. Yes, BP. I think the whole Pablo obsession kind of kicked him into the peripheral, but he’s back. He and a-certain-person-I’m-not-sure-I-have-the-authority-to-mention-at-this-point-although-they-were-seen-in-public-holding-hands, were HOLDING HANDS!

Amy and the Gift of Billy

I just got the mail and there was a package from my friend, Amy Staiger. She sent me a “Merry & Pippin” bookmark. Pippin is looking very cute...and “Return of the King” comes out on DVD in May. “Master and Commander” on April 20th (and although Billy spent a great deal of his screen time behind Russell Crowe’s hat, he’s still in it and I can still look at him). So, maybe there’ll be enough of Billy around to keep me going.

Amy also sent me marshmallow Peeps so that means as soon ast he sugar starts flowing through my veins I won’t give two licks to who’s dating whom. (Although if Billy were here I’d give him two licks...but that’s a story for another day...and a person with as warped a mind as me...who isn’t a missionary. Oh Christina...Ryan...Joe...where are you?)

The Result of 5 Marshmallow Peeps on an empty stomach

WEEE HEE HEE HEE!! WHEEE! AHAHAHAHAH!!!

Coming Down from the Sugar High

Hi Jade, it’s me again. It’s actually the third of April. Not the first as I wrote on the top. It does take me a bit to get my letters completely written. I am slowly returning to orbit from my marshmallow Peeps induced high. I think eating tatter-tots is the secret to sugar absorption. What a silly word: tatter-tot.

some silly words to end this letter with

Monkey, Tatter-tot. Ill Gotten Booty–Ill Booten Gotty. Puddin’ (with an apostrophe because pudding is not as funny as puddin’) as in: Help, Puddin’! Puddin’ emergency!!

Some things someone really said

“Everyone loves mass-produced cream-filled pastries!” Doug Otto

“You’d think that staying up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons with a guy who smells like salami would make you hungry...but it doesn’t.” Stephen Cleverley

“It’s hard to take people seriously when they’re glowing.” Audra Mickulin

“It’s hard to be reverent when you’re lost.” Jamie Freeman

“You know what I don’t like: underwear.” Brian Passey

“I have a high tolerance of hypocracy in myself.” Emiline Hogg

“Corn tortillas are yummy, but love lasts forever.” Mandy Martineau (Making up her own saying).

“I don’t want to turn into a sucking void of “give-me’s”.” Christina Curtis

“No tank can out-do five heavily-armed Red necks in an El Camino.” Randy Davidson

Love,
Maaike