Monday, May 14, 2007

If we don’t feel love with our heart...

...then how come that's where it hurts when someone doesn't love us back?

Everyone finds someone. That's how it's supposed to work, right? Right. But it doesn't. Unfortunately. Love is unlike anything else you can dream of. You can dream of becoming a doctor and work hard at making it happen. Love is something you dream but have absolutely no control over. You can make any dream come true...unless your dream is to be loved.

Here is a quote from Nietzsche; "One must learn to be a sponge if one wants to be loved by a heart that overflows." I'm one of the overflow-ers & I'm searching for a sponge. When I feel something, I feel it all the way. There is no halfway with what I feel. I wish there were. In fact, there are many things I wish I couldn't feel at all.

So, I tell myself to change my dreams. Dream something else instead. What else do I want in life? Mmmm...I'm thinking. And thinking. And for years I haven't been able to come up with any other dream.

The advice I most often get is "Get over it." You want to become a doctor? "Get over it." You want to scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef? "Get over it." It's such a helpful phrase. As Colonel Potter would say, it's as helpful as "a one-legged man at a butt kicking contest." Get over it, huh? "It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because it is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particular-ness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?"

I think of Marianne at the dance when she sees her love with another woman. She turns to her sister and says, "Make him come to me, Elinor. Make him come to me right now." And all Elinor can do is take Marianne home. Then, the part that stabs me to the core, Marianne turns to Elinor and says, "Always acceptance and resignation. Tell me, Elinor, where is your heart?" And Elinor breaks down for the first time. She can no longer hide behind the façade she has built. I feel like Elinor hiding behind my own façade. I smile. I move on. I accept. And I resign. But where is my heart?

Someone said, "Wishing is good for us. Daydreams, fantasies, castles in the air, and aspirations all drive us forward, compel us to make things happen. They also tell us a lot about ourselves. Our wishes come straight from our core, and they are loaded with vital information."

And I can still smell him in my hair.

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