Holding It All In One Hand…

I looked around the room and thought, “I can’t do this.” But that wasn’t necessarily true. The truth was, I didn’t want to do it.

It’s hard to let go of all I’ve got here in my hand. It feels safe; it’s what I need. If I let go…what will take its place? What if my hand remains empty?

Yesterday I saw just the slightest glimpse of how he sees the world. There is no promise of the future. In fact, there’s not much of a future at all. He sees today. I said to him that I’m afraid that a day will come when he won’t need me any more. And he said, “That may be true.” What? Why would someone say that? He says it because he promises nothing. He doesn’t see that there is any need to. He sees today. If you push him into a corner and demand an answer from him all you’ll succeed in doing is pushing him away for good. I suppose that this means if one day he does make a promise, that he will keep it to the end.

If I could see things like that I think I would be far freer than I am today. I do not have that luxury. I see the future peeking at me from around the corner...the future asks me every day what I'm going to do tomorrow.

Another friend asked something else of me. It’s going to be one of the greatest challenges I’ve ever faced. It will be to let go of someone who is tangible and believe—totally and unequivocally—in someone who is not. I have to let go completely and not even look down to see if anyone is even going to catch me.

I’m trying to believe…trying…trying…to believe that if I let go of everything I’m holding that even if my hand remains empty he’ll show me that nothing is all I really need.