Friday, January 11, 2008

Life Is Just One Big Fish Slapping Dance

(click the title and it will take you to the Fish Slapping Dance)

I'm a nice person. I get that. I understand that. Am I inherently nice or do I force myself to be that way. I'm a can imagine the inner conflict.

People assume I'm nice. That's what bothers me. Sure, I do stuff to help people--but I'm just like the rest of you, I only help people if they're people I want to help. Kylie or Daniel calls me with something, I'll be there in a flash. Some random person: I probably won't even answer the phone.

The problem is that no one will let me NOT be nice. "Oh, this girl has depression problems, Maaike understands, let's put them together in a group." "No one gets along with this guy because he's a butt-head, but Maaike's nice so let's put her with him." "She's really hard to get along with, but Maaike's so easy-going we'll just have them share an office." If these people had ASKED me first if I wanted to be put in these situations I'd have said NO! But when they just put me there, I rarely stand up for myself. Something has to push me to the edge. It's hardly fair.

I've been me for a very long time now. I've spent a lot of time "rescuing" the strays of society. Not because I felt obligated to do so, but because that's where I'm most comfortable. I'm weird. I'm naive. I'm damaged. That's where I live. I help people others don't even see.

My question is: When is someone going to RESCUE ME?!

That's why I feel like Life is just a big Fish Slapping Dance. I feel like I am constantly getting thrown into the filthy water where I find someone, pull them out, bring them up to the dry ground, where they thank me and then leave me to my Fate. And I get slapped again. Back into the water and the whole thing starts over again.

I'm tired of being Strong. I'm tired of putting on a brave face. I'm tired of HELPING! I want to be HELPED! When will someone recognize that all of this takes a LOT of work on my part! My soul cries out with all its hurt and longing and desires and all that it gets is people who need me to be strong!

Maybe that's why I identify to quickly with Elanor in "Sense and Sensibility" when Marianne says, "Always acceptance and resignation...where is your heart?" and Elanor finally lets loose with the pain inside of her. Of course I have to keep it all in: first of all because I feel that there are too many people who NEED me to be the strong one and secondly in my whole life I have discovered that NO ONE will come to my rescue. NO ONE.

Okay. I'm going to sleep now. I just needed to rant a bit. Maybe instead I'll watch another movie where things blow up. I'm in the mood for a good explosion.

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