Bats & Pschitt

“That was not a bird.” I thought to myself as something flew overhead in the evening sky. Three more followed from the direction of the chimneystack of my apartment building. They were bats. SWEET! I think bats are cool. Yes, I know. It’s completely contradictory when compared to my hatred of snakes and bugs of all types. Mostly they are lumped together in an “ew” category. But I think they’re cool. (That's a picture of a small brown bat which is the kind I believe is living in my apartment building).

Bats made me think about categories, actually. Bats of a leather flock together. Or something like that. Only, what if you don’t know if you’re a bat or a bird…perhaps I’m just a flying squirrel?

Where do I fit? Really. I don’t know where I am supposed to be. I feel like I’m forever in that awkward puberty stage of being too old for the kids, but too young for the adults. I don’t know where I belong.

I think that’s why I am searching for that one man who will love me more than anyone. Because then when these awkward feelings arrive I can say that I know where I belong. I belong in his arms.

I hope I give up hope soon. Or win the lottery. Either one of them is just as plausible as the last. Oh, buy the way, this is Pschitt.

It's a lemonade type drink they sell in France. I drank a lot of it there. I guess that makes me full of Pschitt.

Daddy, this is Daniel.

Have you ever smelled the Earth? I’m sure you have. Smell the summer and the Earth after an evening rain. Crisp and cool. What about autumn when apples have fallen and are sweetly rotting into the ground, spreading their seeds for the next batch of trees? Let it turn colder and smell the morning after the snow has coated the trees. Cold. Clean. The way the fire smells when you throw an orange peel into its already orange flames. Now smell the Earth as spring comes. The Earth coming alive again…soil bringing life back to all it’s cared for when the snow covered it all; the seeds sprouting, the trees pushing out their leaves…every scent is new—despite the fact that you’ve smelled it every spring since you’ve been born.

Daniel, did you know you smell like spring? I wonder how long this scent will remind me of you.

Daddy, did you know that when the quaking aspen leaves shudder and applaud in the breeze they always whisper your love to me.

I wish you could meet, I think you two would have been friends. Some day you’ll meet and maybe you’ll understand the Earth a little better after getting to know the other. I know I do.

My Imaginary Friends

I often get accused of having "imaginary friends." I find it amusing how often others doubt the veracity of the existence of my friends. Well, here is a photo. In this photo, back row L to R: TJ, Tennille, Missy, Andrew, and Patrick. Front row L to R: Daniel, Will, and Sally.

This is me and Daniel together. We're cute.













This photo is Jeff, Me, Matt, and David in my bed at mom's house. We hung out for a summer and it was FUN.

My BESTEST Friend!

Okay, so I was nervous about going to McCall. I really was. Going to a new place surrounded by people I don’t know, heading into a situation that I really don’t know what to expect. It was really overwhelming (since I’m a “freaker-outer”) and I kept almost talking myself out of going. But go I did.

Kylie gave me a bright yellow bag with a present for every day I would be gone. It was kind of like those count down calendars for Christmas, only it was a count down to when I got to come home. It was the BEST thing ever! The first day was a bag of garlic flavored bagel crisps (oh, how I love the crunching).

The presents are cute little things like stickers and pens, and some bigger things like a stuffed monkey and some monkey socks (I love the little monkeys!) Her presents have been lifesavers as I wake up and the thing I’m most excited about is to see what today’s present is.

One day I was sad that I didn’t have a present. Then I realized that I was a day behind and there WAS a present for me! HOORAY! In fact, it’s become such a big part of my day that when I pick up Rose in the mornings, she always asks me what my present of the day is.

Today was my one day off from my internship. Daniel came down to camp the night before and then hang out today. It was a lot of fun to see him! And he brought with him a BONUS present from Kylie! It was some more bagel crisps (mmm…more crunching is in store!), some poky, a “David & Goliath” bendy figure named Eve L., and the FUNNIEST homemade card! (It’d tell you what the card said, but it’s so full of esoteric stuff that it just wouldn’t be funny.)

Kylie, I don’t know what I did to deserve a wonderful friend like you, but I hope I keep doing it, because I love you! You’re the best friend ever!

Why Must I Make Such Dumb Mistakes?!

Okay, I do some dumb things. I really do…such as:

• Using Melaleuca Shampoo (it thinned out my hair)
• Moving to Kansas (Please don’t ask)
• Not giving Tarek a chance because of a crush on another boy.
• Watching “An Interview with a Vampire”
• Letting "Voldemort" charge things on my credit card.

But tonight…I did the dumbest thing ever. I flossed and brushed my teeth…THEN iced a cake! How dumb is that! I had to be very careful to get all the icing onto the cake, and the icing that ended up on my hands (I’m an artist, I’m used to getting my art all over myself) had to be wiped away. The spatula was used very carefully to get the icing onto the cake and then went into the sink. It was so sad. I debated driving it over to Daniel’s house to let him lick it off (of the spatula—Kylie, I can hear you) but I didn’t know how to hold a spatula and drive. That’s something I haven’t yet had any experience in. Why? Why must I be plagued by such dumb mistakes!

Everybody Wants To Be Happy!

There’s a part on the movie Drop Dead Fred when Fred hits Lizzie in the face with a shovel while shouting, “Get happy!” because her depression has brought him back into her life. That’s what I feel like the world does to me when I am struggling with depression…they hit me in the face with a shovel and tell me to “Get happy.”

If only it were that easy.

Tonight I asked my friend Daniel if I could trade brains with him for the rest of the weekend so that I could have a normal brain. I promised him all the change in my purse (27 cents) if he’d trade. He said he would, but it was impossible to do. I told him that it wasn’t impossible; all we needed was a Vulcan. I don’t know any though, so I still have my brain.

I talked for a while, almost cried twice, and talked some more. Then he said, “Is it okay that I don’t know what to say?”

“Of course. I just need you to be here, to listen to me. I don’t need clichés or cures.”

What I really need is someone who won’t run away when my crazy comes to the surface. I spend a great deal of time helping other people with depression, but some days I can’t do it for myself. I take my pills, I drink my Dr. Pepper, I try to get outside into the sun, or find things to keep me busy, and all my usual cures for my depression. But eventually I’ll get to a point where I just need someone else to step in. I would love it if he could hold me in his arms…let me feel safe for a few minutes, but it’s not in his nature, I suppose, to comfort me like that. I think one of the greatest aids in my moments of depression is human contact.

So to all of you out there who have friends or family members who suffer from depression: Don’t be afraid to take that person in your arms, let them rant, let them talk, let them cry…and let them feel your arms around them as someone who will be there for them in the bad moments as well as the good.

To my friends who have comforted me: Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your time. Thank you for not giving up on me or letting me give up on myself. I love you all very much.