I call it "my crazy"

I know exactly what it is. It’s me trying to control situations outside of my control. It’s me trying to make the world fit my schedule. I’m usually aware of what I’m doing…making a choice to be “crazy.”

I see it in other people, too. The other night I was talking to my friend and I saw her “crazy.” And I understood it. I knew exactly what it was.

Sure, it’s trying to be in control…but it’s also a defense mechanism. It’s perfect. It’s “I know he’s going to reject me, so if I do this he’ll reject me…and he did! See, I’m right! He rejected me! All men reject me!”

Just because I see it, doesn’t mean I can stop doing it. Brian Hopper told me that men like to do the chasing. I know that. How can I not know that? But the thing is, in my mind, they do it wrong. So, I let the crazy out trying to get them to do it my way. And I scare them away.

I want to stop. I want to be “normal.” But in all honesty the only time I can play “hard to get” is when I’m seriously not interested in getting got.

Is anyone out there brave enough to wade through the crazy to find the real me?

My Dad forbade me to marry a "Stupid Yankee"

“Ever wonder why some of us melt over tall, dark and handsome while others get weak in the knees for a Hercules-built blond? In a recent study, researchers found that women tend to be drawn to men with a genetic makeup similar to that of their own family.” (Source: Biology Letters Journal)

My Dad never yelled at us. I can’t remember him raising his voice ever. He never spanked us. He was a very gentle man. He was kind and good. But the thing I loved most about him was his innocence.

He loved trees. He planted them all over the yard. He loved to look at them and listen to them. Smell them. And hear the birds chirping inside of them.

I’ll never forget our Yorkshire Terrier, Max, who loved Dad so much. He was the family dog, right? No, he was Dad’s dog. As soon as Dad walked into the door, Max followed him everywhere he went. I was young and I’d pick up Max and take him with me…but as soon as I’d put him down, he’d find Dad again. Only a truly good man can have that kind of love for…and from…a tiny dog.

Dad found joy in simple things. One day he picked the perfect tomato off of his own vine in the backyard. The tomato sat proudly on the kitchen table for a while and Dad showed it to everyone. He ate it for lunch, slicing it into pieces with his pocket knife and sprinkling a bit of salt of each piece.

One day my brother asked Dad what his idea of Heaven was. Dad thought for a second and said, “A small house with a yard. A cow, a pig, a goat and some chickens. And your mother inside cooking something for me.” A beautiful, uncomplicated simplicity: that is Heaven.

Dad liked to sit on the porch in the evenings, listen to the world and feel the warmth of the sun as it set. Once I was sitting next to him…we didn’t talk a lot. We’d just sit. The birds were chirping in the quaking aspens and the tiny brown and black chickadees would hop down into the bird bath in the shade. He turned to me, holding out his hand with his index finger extended and said, “I wish a little bird would come sit on my finger and be my friend.” That sentence perfectly sums up everything I love about my Dad.

I miss him. I miss him very much.

They say that we’re attracted to those that remind us of our family. So does this help you see why I love you?

Tuesday: Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

The alarm went off at 6:30 am. The snooze was hit and gave me a precious eight more minutes. The alarm rang a second time and I rolled out of bed. I needed to be on the road by 7:30 to get to Ellensburg in time for my 12:30 meeting.

My bags were packed and with a few last minute additions I was on the road. My car was acting funny, but I hoped that I would make it.

Then I realized that hope was not going to be enough. I decided I needed some help from above. I prayed “Dear Heavenly Father, please bless that my car will make it all the way…” and I paused, thought, then added, “…but if not, then help me to handle whatever happens calmly and without stress.” That being said I pushed on.

Colfax was a memory and I was heading through the rolling fields of the Palouse when I noticed that my car was having a harder time getting up hills than its four-cylinders usually exhibit. Then I noticed it was having a hard time going straight even with the proverbial pedal to the metal.

Quietly, my car died and I pulled off the road. “Hmmm…” I thought, “now what?” I started the car again and turned around pointing back to Colfax. “If I can make it there (I’ll make it anywhere) I can get some help.” I got about another mile or so before my car died again. “Well, that’s that.”

I pulled out my cell phone and tried to call Daniel M. No service. “Well, that’s interesting.” There was enough traffic that I was sure someone would give me a ride back to civilization. I put on my coat and stood outside in front of my car. A few cars passed…then a couple of trucks came from the other direction. I was slightly bummed, but one of the trucks quickly turned around and came back. The truck even had red flashy lights on top! When the two men got out, they even put on bright orange vests. “Ah-ha! The cavalry has arrived!”

They had me pop the hood but they couldn’t see what was wrong. I told them how the car was behaving and they said, “Sounds like the fuel pump.” I told them that I had no cell phone service and they said that they could call for a tow-truck on their radio. Thank goodness! They made the call and went on their way. I waited in my car playing Tetris on my cell phone. Then I realized that the two men might have worried about their own safety because I had a noose in my backseat! (It was a prop for the show…but they didn’t know that!)

The tow-truck came and the guy was really nice. He had me wait in the truck because it was awfully cold outside. The truck was SO COOL! It wasn’t one of those that pull the car behind, instead it was the kind that lifted it up into the bed of the truck! So very cool. And riding in the truck reminded me of when Dad drove truck and I got to sit so high above the road. Cool.

I was also thinking about how cool it was that my car was going down the road without clocking miles on it! Dude, that’s cool. If only it didn’t cost so much to go those miles. Anyway, the guy talked about fishing up in Alaska and about how he doesn’t like bugs either. It was fun.

We got to Colfax and found a shop that was able to take my car. It’s called Jim's Auto Service, but run by a guy named Dan. Go figure. I left my car and information with them and decided to go find a place to hang out, call people…and um…pee.

There was a grocery store...and my phone calls went like this:

Ginger: to get the props from me to Anna at ACTF
Daniel: to see if I could get a ride. (left a message)
Kylie: to see if I could get a ride. (left a message)
Anna: to let her know that I wasn’t coming but that the props would still arrive.
Mommy: to let her know of my adventures.
Kylie called me: to say that she could come get me.
Ginger: to let her know that I could bring the props to her.
Christina: to let her know that I wasn’t going to be in Seattle.
Brian G: to see if he could pick up props from Ginger to give to Anna (left a message)

And I found a public toilet! (I also bought Daniel a souvenir from my stop in Colfax: a box of 19 Spongebob Squarepants band-aids. (The box reads 20…but I needed one.) Why does he get a souvenir? It’s a Spongebob thing.)

Anyway, I went to Taco Time and got a Dr. Pepper and let the waiting for Kylie commence. She made it and we headed back to the repair shop—so I could get my stuff out of the car.

I told Dan/Jim that I wanted to get my stuff out and he said that he may have already fixed the car. They found out that all of the spark plugs were burned out (or something more scientific than that). And that it needs a new thermostat. So, they fixed the spark plugs and I could be on my way…as long as I get the thermostat fixed soon-ish. So, my car was fixed.

On the drive back to Moscow, Daniel got off from work and gave me a call. The phone went in and out of service but I was able to tell him my story. And he was able to offer some support.

Kylie followed me from Colfax back to Moscow where I dropped off the props to Ginger and then treated Kylie to lunch for her help. She said to make sure that Daniel knows that she is my "Favorite friend of the day." Then she pointed out that she also has, in the past, given me a pedicure and hand massages so I told her that she can be my "friend of the decade."

So my 50 mile round trip to Colfax ended up costing me almost $300.00.

I called Mom and Christina who are notorious worriers (bless their over-protective hearts) to let them know that I was back in Moscow and so was my car.

"The day's not a total loss," I thought, "I can go to the meeting for the College of Letters Arts and Social Sciences at 5:00 at Common Grounds."

Which explains why I was so lonely waiting at One World Café for the other three to show up.

The rest of this day…I’m staying home.

Black hair, black heart and when do I really need a man anyway?

On Saturday I got my haircut. It's in an a-line and I really like the cut. Then I had my friend, Daniel M. help me color it. It's purple underneath and blue/black on top. It's GORGEOUS if I do say so myself.

So now, for valentine's day, I have black hair. To go with my bruised, blacked heart.

But I have to ask myself, when do I really need a man, anyway? The truth is that I need one very rarely...

Car problem...would be nice to have a man deal with it. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. And because the other men at the repair shop treat me like a brainless twit.

Repairs around the house...sure again, nice to have a guy do the work...partly because I'm not really strong enough nor do I know how to run any of power tools.

I'd like him to do the driving...

balance the checkbook...

sing songs...

The truth is that what I need, is someone who needs me. Someone who when he's sick he asks me to sit with him. Or when he's sad he asks me to listen to him. I can get through life doing all the dumb crap that life expects of me. We all do it. Alone. Together. It doesn't matter, we all have to do it. What I don't want to do is to spend my life never being needed by anyone. Never being needed by that someone.

Valentine's day sucks.

check this out: http://www.tokyomango.com/tokyo_mango/2007/02/valentines_day_.html

and keep in mind that one of my nicknames is Mango!

Why am I such a GIRL?

I just got home from watching the two-parter "Criminal Minds" over at Daniel M.'s house. It's the one that they aired just after the Superbowl (I only know who was in the game because I was waiting for "Criminal Minds" to come on). Anyway...I am so crushing over the character of Dr. Spencer Reid (played by the beautiful Matthew Gray Gubler) and wishing I were the one who got to have his mismatched socks lying on my floor.

Why don't I just grow up and stop having stupid crushes? When will I bloody grow up? I keep thinking how much I'd like to write a play about love...about someone falling in love...but I can't. Why? Because how can I write about falling in love with someone and having them love back when all I ever get is unrequited love and celebrity crushes?

I was trying to write down my most romantic moments (kind of a valentine thing I wanted to do in my zine) when I realized all the romantic moments I could think of were from Jane Austen! Okay, so there was the time I danced with Daniel R. on the beach. That was kind of spiffy...but it was AFTER I knew he wasn't in love with me. There was the time that Daniel M. got the grasshopper out of the spiderweb for me and I thought he was the most heroic character I'd ever met...but that was just before I found out he wasn't interested in me. Then there was the time I was stuck in my coat because the zipper was caught and Pablo helped me get out of it. But that was also AFTER I knew he wasn't interested, either. And on the grand scale of romance, grasshoppers and broken zippers do not rank high. Nor should they really.

I bloodly hate bloody valentine's bloody day!