Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I call it "my crazy"

I know exactly what it is. It’s me trying to control situations outside of my control. It’s me trying to make the world fit my schedule. I’m usually aware of what I’m doing…making a choice to be “crazy.”

I see it in other people, too. The other night I was talking to my friend and I saw her “crazy.” And I understood it. I knew exactly what it was.

Sure, it’s trying to be in control…but it’s also a defense mechanism. It’s perfect. It’s “I know he’s going to reject me, so if I do this he’ll reject me…and he did! See, I’m right! He rejected me! All men reject me!”

Just because I see it, doesn’t mean I can stop doing it. Brian Hopper told me that men like to do the chasing. I know that. How can I not know that? But the thing is, in my mind, they do it wrong. So, I let the crazy out trying to get them to do it my way. And I scare them away.

I want to stop. I want to be “normal.” But in all honesty the only time I can play “hard to get” is when I’m seriously not interested in getting got.

Is anyone out there brave enough to wade through the crazy to find the real me?

1 comment:

Proma said...

I understand you. My take on the chase thing is that I'm never going to do it because it is just not me. I am going to remain simple like it is. But at the same time, when rejection comes because the guy isn't getting any chasing thrills, it hard to keep reminding yourself that 'the guy is a childish jerk who wants toys not real women' . omg now I'm talking huh