When I opened my mailbox today, I was hoping for
a package. Flannel sheets, to keep me nice and warm at night. Instead, I got a letter from God. Yes, it's true. It's not a usual occurrence so I thought I'd better share. I'm going to recreate it here so you can see what He has to say:
I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter to you. I have started this letter a hundred times but things kept coming up. First there was the fall of Communism, then the big AIDS epidemic thing, people starving in Africa, Reaganomics (don't even get me started), boy bands (had to put a quick end to that) and the Bush administrations (I don't know how they both got in there). Anyway, now that I have a minute I thought I would write to you before they raise the price of stamps again. (I haven't raised tithing since the creation of the world, but the United States Government can't keep stamps at a reasonable price.)
I just wanted to write and see how you were doing. I've enjoyed watching you the past few years. I've seen all of your plays; that's some funny stuff. Honestly I haven't laughed so hard since your old brother created the duckbilled platypus. That was a HOOT! You remember, you were there. Oh, I guess you don't' remember, but you were there.
I love you lots and miss you very much. Keep writing those great plays, and maybe consider putting me in one of them. (But make sure they don't have some deadbeat play my role. I don't care what people say, Charlton Heston is NOT GOD. George Burns, maybe, but NOT Charlton Heston.)
Let me know if you need anything. Stamps are pricey, but I accept knee-mail (I always thought that was cheesy, too). I love you, and even if I don't write again for a while I'll be watching you - in a fatherly, non-creepy stalkerish way.
P.S. Sorry I didn't include a bunt cake with this letter. Maybe next time...