When brains were passed out in heaven I thought they said, "blame" and I knew it wasn't my fault so I didn't get in line. Then, someone told me it was "brain" and it was too late. I got stuck with this one. It's crazy. My brain. Not standing in line in heaven. That's actually well organized and rather pleasant.My brain is crazy.
It's bogged down with depression and I can't make it stop. I'm on drugs for it. They're not helping right now. All I want to do is sleep--where the world doesn't exist or ask anything of me. I just want to stop existing--that's what sleep is; a socially acceptable way to stop existing.
I do have some people to talk to who understand how deeply depression can get a hold on me, though. For example, I've been talking a lot with my new friend Aleksander from Poland. We both enjoy the fact that there is someone who understands--profoundly understands!
In the meantime I fight and I don't know how to get out of bed because I don't care about anything. This morning when I woke up the first thought through my head was, "Dude, just give up." Now, the giving up part is sad, sure...but take into consideration that I called myself "dude". I think this is a strange manifestation of how I see myself. I am not a dude. Although, I think life would be easier if I were.
Now, I'm not going to "give up" although I'd like nothing more that to cease to be. (Don't Panic) I'm going to keep fighting. I've gone into my doctor. I've asked friends for support. I just need to talk about it. Get it out. And then go back to sleep.
When I try to talk to people about depression--those who do not understand it--they give me lame-ass advice like, "When I'm sad, I like to exercise." First of all depression is not the same as "sad". I know "sad". "Sad" is when Chase asked Bonnie to the dance instead of me. Depression for me is total and utter apathy. I don't care. I don't care if I fail my classes. I don't care if I lose my jobs. I don't care if someone comes and takes everything I own as long as I can stay in bed. I don't care if you miss me or need me or don't give a fart about what happens to me. I don't care.
And today. I don't care. I haven't cared for about 2 weeks now. I'm trying to reach out. I've sent an email to some friends. I've talked to my doctor. I'm trying to care. In the meantime, don't tell me how you "get happy" just let me know that you love me and that I matter in your life. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't need you to.
Depression is devastating. Those of you who don't have to fight with it are so lucky.
3 comments:
About the exercise thing, it actually is one of the best non-medication ways to address depression, I've found. If I'm getting exercise, I don't tend to have depressive episodes.
I understand the not wanting to do anything. How much time have I spent on my couch in that mode... So it's silly of me to ask, but have you thought about going into your studio to "escape"?
In the depths of depression, though, it's virtually impossible to find enough "care" inside to get up and exercise, of all things. Even without depression, exercising takes an iron will! It's a chicken and egg thing: does exercise pop you out of depression or do you only exercise when you're not dealing with depression?
Let's start with baby steps, eh?
Dearest love,
I sent you an e-mail.
Jana
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