Thursday, August 23, 2007

Acting Day 2--or Why Can't I Cry Like Kylie Does?

Kylie and I were driving back from Clarkston after picking up Teddy at his great-grandparent's house, when the song "Lean on Me" came on. Kylie and I started singing with all our voices and I said to her, "This is a song for me and you!" Happily singing away I suddenly realized that Kylie was no longer singing. I looked over at her and she was crying. I gave her as good a hug as I could while she still drove the car and we laughed.

I felt it too. In my heart. The great love I have for my friend, Kylie, and how safe I feel with her around. My heart just doesn't let me express it the way hers does. And I admit, I'm a little jealous of her ability to cry.

This leads me to my acting class. Today we had to honor our partner in someway. The first girl got up to honor her partner. She honored him with a dance. Now, she was a bigger girl but when I saw her moving, I felt that she had found peace with who she was. I wished I had that peace because I still look in the mirror and label everything that is wrong. I stood there, watching her, with a giant smile on my face and felt such love for this girl (who's name I haven't yet learned) and for who she was and for the way her body moved as she danced.

The day of honoring was so beautiful. It was strangers who were opening their hearts to each other to say "You made me feel accepted...and loved...and safe." Next class will be another day of honoring as we didn't make it through the entire group.

My turn to honor Delaney. I had made a bunch of sock monkeys and in my attempts made a sock thing. I don't know what it was but I thought to myself, "I'd better keep this because no one else will like it." But, today, I gave it to Delaney. I explained to him that he made me feel that I could trust him to love this sock thing because he made me feel loved and safe. If someone can make me feel that--all my geekiness, self-doubt, self-hatred, etc--then he could surely open his heart to a sock thing.

Delaney's turn to honor me. He played a song, then pulled out a sheet of drawing paper and some markers...and he drew a picture of me. The song was so touching...and the idea of someone drawing me was so beautiful. This is when I wished I could cry like Kylie does. I wish that I hadn't spent so much time telling myself "You can't cry. You have to be strong. Others will see that you are weak." Others were I am sure Kylie is right now as she's reading this...I could feel it in my heart, but no tears would rain down my cheeks.

Afterwards we hugged each other. And at the end of the class I also hugged James Napoleon and David. It was safe. It was one human reaching to another one and saying "You're not alone in your struggles--although I don't understand all that you're going through, I do understand what it's like to have heartache."

"Lean on me, when you're not strong and I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on."

Acting class, teach me to trust my feelings and not fear them. Someone love me and teach me that I am worthy of romantic love. Kylie, teach me to cry.


BigBird said...

Maaike! Your roll of toilet paper is done!

did that help?

Dang you. You know what? Instead of noticing the number of times that you make me cry EVERY freaking day, I should make note of the days that you DON'T make me would take a lot less time.

Sometimes I think you know me all too well. I had just paused to wipe the tears out of my eyes because I couldn't see what I was reading, when the next sentence was about me crying right then. Eek.

I love you, friend!

sally said...

You'll get there. Learning to trust the truth of the emotions that take one to tears takes time. But you'll get there.

I'm pretty sure I've seen you laugh so hard you cried, so I know there's hope.

p.s. I got you a present. Providing I remember, I'll give it to you tomorrow in class.

Maaike said...

just so you'll know, the present Sally gave me was some Jesus tape!