I Think I’d Rather Be Boiled Alive in a Vat of Wildebeest Urine.

Strange title you might think. You’d be right. Sort of.

Envelope 6 of 17 has arrived today from my friend Christina (Bobina-Yolanda-Hoop). It is brilliant! I have to admit that thinking of a title for this entry was rather difficult. She sent so many beautiful quotes (like the one in the title from Chef)! Here’s a sample:

But that was during the war when sushi was called “liberty lox”. Grandpa Simpson

Didn’t Jesus also say “Blessed are those who pull themselves up they their own bootstraps”? Stephen Colbert

If you really love him, you’ll rip his heart out in person. Drew Carey

You are not in charge of how big a wuss I am! Malcolm in the Middle

There are many, many more, but that’s a beautiful sample.

My favorite quote, however, is a Christina original. It was written on an origami figure she made for me: Supposed to be a monkey, looks like a sloth.

Thank you, Christina! You have made a very exciting envelope for me! I do have to ask, however, what was the option to being “boiled alive in a vat of wildebeest urine”?

"Rain"

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
The things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

Acting Day 2--or Why Can't I Cry Like Kylie Does?

Kylie and I were driving back from Clarkston after picking up Teddy at his great-grandparent's house, when the song "Lean on Me" came on. Kylie and I started singing with all our voices and I said to her, "This is a song for me and you!" Happily singing away I suddenly realized that Kylie was no longer singing. I looked over at her and she was crying. I gave her as good a hug as I could while she still drove the car and we laughed.

I felt it too. In my heart. The great love I have for my friend, Kylie, and how safe I feel with her around. My heart just doesn't let me express it the way hers does. And I admit, I'm a little jealous of her ability to cry.

This leads me to my acting class. Today we had to honor our partner in someway. The first girl got up to honor her partner. She honored him with a dance. Now, she was a bigger girl but when I saw her moving, I felt that she had found peace with who she was. I wished I had that peace because I still look in the mirror and label everything that is wrong. I stood there, watching her, with a giant smile on my face and felt such love for this girl (who's name I haven't yet learned) and for who she was and for the way her body moved as she danced.

The day of honoring was so beautiful. It was strangers who were opening their hearts to each other to say "You made me feel accepted...and loved...and safe." Next class will be another day of honoring as we didn't make it through the entire group.

My turn to honor Delaney. I had made a bunch of sock monkeys and in my attempts made a sock thing. I don't know what it was but I thought to myself, "I'd better keep this because no one else will like it." But, today, I gave it to Delaney. I explained to him that he made me feel that I could trust him to love this sock thing because he made me feel loved and safe. If someone can make me feel that--all my geekiness, self-doubt, self-hatred, etc--then he could surely open his heart to a sock thing.

Delaney's turn to honor me. He played a song, then pulled out a sheet of drawing paper and some markers...and he drew a picture of me. The song was so touching...and the idea of someone drawing me was so beautiful. This is when I wished I could cry like Kylie does. I wish that I hadn't spent so much time telling myself "You can't cry. You have to be strong. Others will see that you are weak." Others were crying...as I am sure Kylie is right now as she's reading this...I could feel it in my heart, but no tears would rain down my cheeks.

Afterwards we hugged each other. And at the end of the class I also hugged James Napoleon and David. It was safe. It was one human reaching to another one and saying "You're not alone in your struggles--although I don't understand all that you're going through, I do understand what it's like to have heartache."

"Lean on me, when you're not strong and I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on."

Acting class, teach me to trust my feelings and not fear them. Someone love me and teach me that I am worthy of romantic love. Kylie, teach me to cry.

From Terror to Intrigue

That’s how I said it to Daniel. I think it’s a great descriptor.

The door was locked so I had to go around. When I got up the stairs I found James Napoleon—handsome kid that he is—and I found out that he was going to be in my same class. That helped, sure, but when the smell of the classroom came into my nostrils I knew it was going to be bad. How can anyone be comfortable in this classroom?

The room started to fill up. Some people I knew, some I didn’t. As the time got closer and closer, my panic grew. “Just drop the class! No one will know! It won’t matter!” But soon the class started and I felt that I should at least give it a go.

As Kelly explained the class I felt my nerves building up again. How am I going to do this? I’m such a giant geek I just don’t know why I’m here.

The business out of the way, the class started. We all stood in a circle quietly for two minutes, not talking, just looking around at everyone. It was a bit nerve-racking…but as I let go of “what are they thinking of me” and instead started seeing how beautiful everyone is, then it became an experiment in diversity. Everyone…so different. Tall, short, fat, thin, brown, blond, whatever…each possessing a certain beauty.

Next came an exercise to choose a partner. As per usual, I was chosen last. My partner is Delaney. He’s also a bit of a writer, and I know him, so that made it easier and less intimidating. For a moment anyway.

First exercise. I was the “Giver” and I was to give comfort to Delaney without using words. We sat on the floor in front of each other and I put my hands on his shoulder and I sent comfort from my eyes to his. I felt him relax and at the end of the two minutes of sending comfort, I felt better. I felt a little more relaxed about the class.

Next exercise. Change places. Now Delaney was giving comfort to me and I was receiving it. Now, some of you know me better than others…here’s what I’m going to say: I always need hugs. I rarely ask for them. Delaney’s intuition led him to hold me in his arms. At the end of the two minutes we were breathing in the same rhythm. It was very comforting! He made me feel safe in an environment that had, just a few minutes before, made me feel terror!

Third exercise, turn to your partner and tell them what frightens you most of all. Not “I’m afraid of spiders” but that thing that is so deeply a part of you that it follows you everywhere you go. What? Use my voice and admit out loud the thing that scares me? Admit this to a stranger? I can write it down on a scrap of paper…but to say it out loud to my partner and subsequently the other 22 people in the room? How can I do that? And I had to go first. Suddenly I heard my fear expressed from across the room. That gave me the courage to say it. I used my voice, my mouth, and all that is in me to say to Delaney, “I’m afraid to be alone.” (Immediately after I said it I wanted to explain, “But it’s okay. I’ll be fine. I’ve got good friends. It hurts and all, but I’ll be okay.” I suppose that’s just another wall we build for ourselves, the “I’m okay” wall that keeps us from letting people in.) This fear was echoed all over the classroom. And when it was Delaney’s turn, he said the same thing. With the time left in the exercise Delaney and I hugged each other. We’d both said it out loud. We’d both admitted to this fear that everyone has.

Kelly was saying that everyone has the desire to be loved. And we all have the fear of being hurt. Everyone feels that. I am not the only one. She said that we stand at the same door and beat the hell out of it hoping that the person on the other side will open it and love us. I do that. I know I do. I stand there beating at the door, “Open it! Open it and let me in! Love me! Love me, damn it! I am worthy of love!” It’s the same door I’ve been beating on for years and years.

When the class ended I felt that I had learned something. I LEARNED! I am not alone in my fears. Everyone feels what I feel. Everyone wants to be loved.

I know that there will be many more exercises that are going to push me out of my comfort zone. I know that there will be days that I will cry because I just can’t take it any more. I know that there will be days that I’ll hate this class. But at the end of it…if I can LEARN something, it will be worth it.

Happy Birthday from Jen!

Envelope five of seventeen has arrived! It is from Jen Urena. She said that she wasn’t creative enough to fill an entire envelope so she sent me a birthday card and some cow stickers. Cow stickers! If that’s not creative I don’t know what is!

Thanks, Jen!

BTW: Dr. Pepper is the best, Jen. I understand your giving into the taste sensation!

An Enigma Wrapped in a Mystery Mailed in an Envelope!

Today I got envelope number four (of what is now seventeen)! This particular one didn’t have a return address so I’m going to attribute the envelope and all of its wonderful contents to Dave. There are a few hints inside of it that even the lowliest of CSI enthusiast would have to agree just lead to Dave. Or if not Dave himself then at least to the Eames-Harlan household.

I LOVE the little key chain dog whose motto is: Happiness is lying on the couch!

There was an item that caused somewhat of a ruckus. Inside the envelope was a gold scrap of paper that caused me to spend most of the morning singing, “I’ve got a golden ticket!” much to Kylie’s chagrin. (Poor girl puts up with so much!)

Thanks Dave! (Or whoever you are!)

Me and Franca...

Kodakgallery.com Slideshow