Hi Katie,
How are you? I’m doing pretty good. I’m getting ready to head home for a couple of months, but I’ll have my cell with me and I’ll still be using my same email, so let me know about the road trip.
Jeff Beck called me the other day to tell me that he was witty. Yes, it’s true, he is witty, but what he called about I had actually written. But, it was about Jeff, so I guess that makes it his. He’s fun guy.
And that reminds me of a joke:
A mushroom walks in to a bar and sits down on a stool. The bartender turns to him and says, “Hey, we don’t serve your kind here.” The mushroom looks at him and asks, “Why not? I’m a fungi?”
You know, I think I’ve found someone to obsess over so that I can forget John. Yep...I found a blue-eyed VAMPIRE!! I’m still on the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” kick but now, instead of being all gaga over Angel, I’m falling for Spike. It’s great. I went from Vampire to human back to Vampire. I guess it’s true...I am totally insane. But at least the various photos of James Marsters as Spike can hang on my wall and help me not to think about Mr. Cheese.
Joe called me at 9:30 this morning to make sure that I was up and getting ready for church. He just wanted me to go, not that he was going. Silly man. Oh well. I went, it was ok, and I think I actually learned something. It was good.
I’m dreadfully bored. I feel like doing something...but I don’t know what to do. I’ve watched some TV, took a nap and did a wee bit of packing. I should go for a walk or something...I just don’t like sunshine. Which is helpful in the being-in-love-with-vampires part of my pseudo-existence.
Christina and I had this conversation:
Christina: I cleaned up my workstation today and moved all my crap to the new workstation (apparently cubicle is not PC). I had 4 calendars and 2 day planners on or in my desk. That's 6 calendars, only 1 of which I use with any regularity. Oh dear.
Me: Should I sponsor an intervention?
Christina: I think so. I might be genetically susceptible to calendar abuse.
Me: Are the calendar the abusers or the abusees?
Christina: That's a good question. I had a hard time figuring out how to type that last sentence. Maybe calendarism is a better term? Either way, the calendars are the abusers because I certainly can't help myself.
Me: Well then, I'll just have to step in. To tell the truth, I'm suffering separation anxiety from my watch. I quit wearing it when it went bonkers so I don’t know what time it is...if we could just find the happy medium in our collective date/time obsessions!
In Walmart the other day there was a little old lady in a wheel chair. Well, I assumed it was a little old lady...there were legs, skinny arms, a tuft of white hair and an lap full of flowers. It was hilarious...this little old man pushing around a wheelchair filled with appeared to be his wife and all the fake flowers from the craft section of the Walmart. She couldn’t see where she was going so she was totally trusting that her husband was driving her someplace pleasant. Now THAT’S love!!
Here’s one of my horoscopes that actually makes some sense:
When you're involved, you're involved. There's no two ways about it, and no talking to you once your heart has arrived at a decision. Mention that immediately to anyone who tries to talk some sense into you now.
Poor John. Poor any guy who has had to deal with me on any level. I’m a crazy, mixed-up bundle of expressible emotions just looking for a way out.
Speaking of looking for a way out:
Almost nightly I have a dream in which I have to save the entire universe. Well, ok, not universe per se, but at least the Earth. I don’t know why it’s up to me all of the time, but I thought you might be interested in the some of the ways I was called on to save the Earth and the things that were the key elements in doing so:
• One slice of red apple, two of green–these had to be rubbed on the cheeks of people to keep them from getting their minds controlled by the baddies
• A golden bowling ball–which had to be thrown into the belly of a man made of peach Jell-O (he wore tan pants with brown suspenders).
• Brian Passey–he had to decide between good and evil...if he chose good we’d all live, if he chose evil we’d all die. I had to keep the world in balance until he could be found.
• A cardboard car with no steering wheel–which I drove with my boyfriend; David Duchovny.
Who knows what goes on inside my brain. I sure don’t!
Love,
Maaike
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Dear Katie--undated letter, again
Hi Katie,
How are you today? I loved the letter you sent me. It was a hoot. Sorry to hear about the sinking of “Metrosexual Dreamboat”. It’s sad. But, you’re right, trying to find all those qualities in a man is almost as difficult as a man trying to find all those qualities in a woman. Wait. That isn’t what I meant. I meant to say something more empowering of women everywhere. How about this quote from Rosanne:
“The quickest way to a man’s heart, is through his chest.”
Right now the major qualities I’m looking for in a man are “Good Listener” and “Straight”. That’s a tough combination, but it is possible.
This is the email I sent to EVERYONE in my address book:
Ok, I've never done this before in my entire life...I just took a drink of my milk that said it expired on the 17th of April. But April of what year, I don't know because IT WAS CHUNKY!!
I am SO GROSSED OUT RIGHT NOW! I spit it out and I drank the rest of my D.P. a bunch of water, brushed my teeth and am still just grossed out BEYOND WORDS!
I think I'm going to die a chunky-milk-poisony-death!
I am SO GROSSED OUT!!
Maaike
These are the responses I received:
• That wasn't milk -- that was the plaster of paris for my latest and greatest art project, "Mountains of Kansas." (Bridges of Madison County was already taken . . .)
I expect you to put every drop back where you found it . . .
Michelle Davidson
• Quick! There is only one remedy. Find the nearest cute guy and request, no, DEMAND he give you mouth to mouth. (With tongue.) It will save your life! (Only if it is with tongue.) Ryan Slaugh
• yes, I noticed a funny smell as I walked to the office today... maybe the milk is rusting your brain...ha,ha. monika madinabetitia
• I hope that you recover from this incident! It's been a while since I consumed sour milk. Kelly Thompson
• sO SORRY TO HEAR IT.
Mandy Martineau
• Oh poor Maaike, how horrible. I suppose you could think of it as "almost yoghurt". But then again it doesn't taste nice at all. I've done nearly the same thing but my chunky milk went into a cup of tea - yuk. If it helps at all, I'm am feeling GROSSED OUT for you as well.
love
Sally Boardman
• Swedes drink Chunky rotten milk all the time. After awhile, one gets used to it. Think of that the next time you eat butter or cheese. It's just chunky milk (with a little tuna fish mixed in).
Robert Palica
• I'm sympathizing my watch with yours. I've had the same experience at least twice in my life once with chocolate milk, and once I drank a full glass of sour milk because I was eating a piece of lemon cake with it and I didn't taste the sour milk until the after taste had set in. Yuck!!!!! But that is nothing compared to the grossness of eating meat that was crawling with maggots. It was not on purpose. Maggots taste even worse than sour milk. I hope you have a better day.
Love Al ( you never know I might be listening)
• Aaaaah... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Skeeter (Stephen Cleverley)
• The chunky milk is yoghurt, so it is quite OK to drink, you could have put it in the blender with some strawberries and had a refreshing smoothie........Ha Ha
Maria Hearn
• Maaike, think about it, cockroaches eat our chunky milk and well preserved twinkies all the time and they are still here. Shesh. . . what were you thinking. Anyways, you'll probably be fine until you get really old, then it will come back to haunt you like a crazy acid flash back, ha ha.
Later Aubrey Loney-Young
• I poisoned you muuuhahahahahahaha you Khar Kar
Elizabeth Shinpaugh (Khar Kar is blind donkey in Persian)
• Snerk!!!! I am sorry, but the mental image of you spurting cottage
chunk milk just made me laugh!!!!
Chew a package of Orbit and you will have a clean mouth.
Jana porter
• I can't believe you sent an email to all those people and told them about the nasty milk you drank. You are so funny, I just love you.
Erin Lake
Maaike gets some long needed hugging!
You know, there are times when a human body just aches for a hug. Sometimes we can find someone to give them to us, like a parent, or a sibling. Sometimes a friend will come through in a pinch. But most of the time we muddle through life seriously in need of a hug but unwilling to ask for one. Sunday was such a day for me. I was feeling ill, sad and unwanted–or as we like to call it: Human.
But, it didn’t stay that way. I went to conference despite the fact that my head was throbbing from my newly acquired head cold. I sat by Jade and Ben and then Caleb and his roomies sat on the other side of me. After a bit, I laid my head down on Caleb’s shoulder...and nearly fell asleep. He’s such a good kid, that Caleb is. Rather enigmatic, really, but very kind and giving.
When I got home TJ Adams called. He’d forgotten that it was Stake Conference, so he went to church but no one was there. I invited him over to hang out with us. After dinner we were waiting for Matt to show up to play some “Settlers of Catan”. We have an “L” shaped couch and TJ was laying on the long side of it. I laid down on the shorter side of it and put my head on his chest. He had has arm around me in such a convenient way that I got to hold his hand. We laid there for a bit and he told me that he’s sure he doesn’t make a very good pillow because he laughs too much. Then I read his palm. When Matt showed up we played the game. But...it was so nice to just be loved for a moment.
Then Ben Stellmon came over and he always gives me a hug and an “I love you”. By the end of the evening I felt very loved. I think I should have more days like that.
Squirrelly Wrath!
I was walking to work carrying a spoon–well, that’s interesting in and of itself, but that’s not the point of the story–the story is that there was this squirrel. It was running across the street...run, run, run, leap..into the Disappearing Tree. It didn’t run up the tree, however, he just kind of sat there part way up the trunk. He had his back to me and when I approached, he turned around and stared at me with this, “Hey! Whatcha lookin’ at! Yeah, bring it on! I’m not scared of you human!” I saw the ire with which the squirrel was nearly foaming over.
“Hi squirrel.” I said then started laughing. He looked at me with fire in his eyes as if I had no right to laugh at his squirrelly wrath. The he leaned his head back and watched me finish walking up the sidewalk.
“Hey!” said the squirrel, “Come back! Didn’t you used to be a tree!”
I bet that’s the squirrel that Jeff was doing the impression of...you know, the one that bit him?
Now...about the spoon.
Yes, I was walking to work carrying a spoon. This was with a purpose, but I figured what a better way for the elusive Mr. Eight to have an excuse to strike up a conversation. He’d see me across the tree lined (squirrel infested) path carrying my spoon and say to himself, “Who is that woman? She’s beautiful. Why is she carrying a spoon? I must know.” Then he’d walk up to me in all is Goran Visnjic-y glory and say, with his beautiful accent, “Hello, you are the most intriguing woman I’ve ever seen. Why are you carrying a spoon?”
I’d say, “I can sum that up for you in two words: Fish soup.” Then he’d look at me with that same face you are pulling at this very moment...a cross between “What the...?” and “Yuck!” Kind of comes out as “Bleh....?”
He’d look at me with his blue eyes glinting and a crooked smile, “I can take you away from a world filled with fish soup and bring you into a world of more identifiable food.”
“Sounds good.” I say, then I’d kick him in the shin and say, “Where the f#@* have you been?”
That’s why I was carrying a spoon.
John Withers DOES NOT have I.M.
MD: Hey, do you have IM...this would be fun to chat.
JW: no
MD: well, you’ll just have to burn in hell then
JW: likely
MD: I'll send you an icee...one of the blue ones
JW: assuming you're not also there. seems like a big leap.
The Bloody Spoon Does Me No Bloody Good
You know what makes for a bad day? I’ll tell you: not being able to heat up the lunch you didn’t want to eat in the first place in the microwave at work because your boss doesn’t like the smell of fish. I didn’t bloody want the bloody fish soup in the first place but it was all I had for lunch because I was too damn poor to get anything else. So not only did I carry the stupid fish soup up to work with me, but I had to carry it home, too.
So not only did the spoon fail in its fantasy purpose of helping me find Mr. Eight, it also failed to be useful in a normal spoonlike fashion. Now, on some level, I understand the wrath stirred up in The Tick as he yelled his battle cry “Spoon!” (“The roof! What a perfect place to fight crime!)
Teddy Jessup is the cutest little boy in the World
I was supposed to go watch Ted play soccer on Wednesday night, but I ended up calling Kylie and cancelling (bad soup day on top of other things). But before Ted’s game stated, Kylie and Ted showed up at my house with dinner for me and the cutest little card that Kylie had made. (She’s so good to me...she’s the BEST mean friend I’ve ever had!) Anyway, Ted says, “Maybe Maaike could show us her house.” I showed Ted around the apartment. When we were in the living room he said, “And what about that closet?” So I opened the closet and showed him the boxes, ironing board and coats that hang there. Then he walked to the window and said, “I just can’t believe how high up we are.” We sat on the back of the couch looking out the windows and Ted told me that it would take a very long time to walk all the way to the mountains.
Ted is such a cute boy and he is SO SMART!
My horoscope is as useless as ever:
'Secret' is like 'scarlet,' if you mix up the syllables and add an 'L' and don't get too hung up on the 'ee' versus 'ah' sound. Scarlet is blood red. Red blood is what keeps your heart pumping.
And that’s supposed to inspire me to do what?
Another Squirrel Story
There was this squirrel on the Hello walk. It was, as squirrels are wont to do, eating something using both hands. He was just sitting there gnawing away. I said, “Hi, squirrel.” It immediately dropped what it was eating and looked at me as if I had offered it the Holy Grail of whatever squirrels would consider the Holy Grail. “I’m sorry squirrel, I don’t have anything.” I said. He continued standing with its little arms hanging against the lighter colored fur of his stomach. I felt guilty for giving the squirrel false hope of a better meal. Too bad I couldn’t have given him the soup.
Joel Joins the Literati
Elizabeth and I are hooked on playing “Literati” all day. It’s kind of like Scrabble. Well, now Joel’s hooked on it, too. It’s a lot of fun.
Ok, Katie. I think that’s all for today. I can’t believe there’s only three weeks left of school. That means I have only three weeks of work left...then I have to figure out what I’m doing for the summer. And the rest of my life. Ack. Better not think of that. Squirrels...think of squirrels. But not spoons. They still make my cranky.
Love ya!
Maaike
How are you today? I loved the letter you sent me. It was a hoot. Sorry to hear about the sinking of “Metrosexual Dreamboat”. It’s sad. But, you’re right, trying to find all those qualities in a man is almost as difficult as a man trying to find all those qualities in a woman. Wait. That isn’t what I meant. I meant to say something more empowering of women everywhere. How about this quote from Rosanne:
“The quickest way to a man’s heart, is through his chest.”
Right now the major qualities I’m looking for in a man are “Good Listener” and “Straight”. That’s a tough combination, but it is possible.
This is the email I sent to EVERYONE in my address book:
Ok, I've never done this before in my entire life...I just took a drink of my milk that said it expired on the 17th of April. But April of what year, I don't know because IT WAS CHUNKY!!
I am SO GROSSED OUT RIGHT NOW! I spit it out and I drank the rest of my D.P. a bunch of water, brushed my teeth and am still just grossed out BEYOND WORDS!
I think I'm going to die a chunky-milk-poisony-death!
I am SO GROSSED OUT!!
Maaike
These are the responses I received:
• That wasn't milk -- that was the plaster of paris for my latest and greatest art project, "Mountains of Kansas." (Bridges of Madison County was already taken . . .)
I expect you to put every drop back where you found it . . .
Michelle Davidson
• Quick! There is only one remedy. Find the nearest cute guy and request, no, DEMAND he give you mouth to mouth. (With tongue.) It will save your life! (Only if it is with tongue.) Ryan Slaugh
• yes, I noticed a funny smell as I walked to the office today... maybe the milk is rusting your brain...ha,ha. monika madinabetitia
• I hope that you recover from this incident! It's been a while since I consumed sour milk. Kelly Thompson
• sO SORRY TO HEAR IT.
Mandy Martineau
• Oh poor Maaike, how horrible. I suppose you could think of it as "almost yoghurt". But then again it doesn't taste nice at all. I've done nearly the same thing but my chunky milk went into a cup of tea - yuk. If it helps at all, I'm am feeling GROSSED OUT for you as well.
love
Sally Boardman
• Swedes drink Chunky rotten milk all the time. After awhile, one gets used to it. Think of that the next time you eat butter or cheese. It's just chunky milk (with a little tuna fish mixed in).
Robert Palica
• I'm sympathizing my watch with yours. I've had the same experience at least twice in my life once with chocolate milk, and once I drank a full glass of sour milk because I was eating a piece of lemon cake with it and I didn't taste the sour milk until the after taste had set in. Yuck!!!!! But that is nothing compared to the grossness of eating meat that was crawling with maggots. It was not on purpose. Maggots taste even worse than sour milk. I hope you have a better day.
Love Al ( you never know I might be listening)
• Aaaaah... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Skeeter (Stephen Cleverley)
• The chunky milk is yoghurt, so it is quite OK to drink, you could have put it in the blender with some strawberries and had a refreshing smoothie........Ha Ha
Maria Hearn
• Maaike, think about it, cockroaches eat our chunky milk and well preserved twinkies all the time and they are still here. Shesh. . . what were you thinking. Anyways, you'll probably be fine until you get really old, then it will come back to haunt you like a crazy acid flash back, ha ha.
Later Aubrey Loney-Young
• I poisoned you muuuhahahahahahaha you Khar Kar
Elizabeth Shinpaugh (Khar Kar is blind donkey in Persian)
• Snerk!!!! I am sorry, but the mental image of you spurting cottage
chunk milk just made me laugh!!!!
Chew a package of Orbit and you will have a clean mouth.
Jana porter
• I can't believe you sent an email to all those people and told them about the nasty milk you drank. You are so funny, I just love you.
Erin Lake
Maaike gets some long needed hugging!
You know, there are times when a human body just aches for a hug. Sometimes we can find someone to give them to us, like a parent, or a sibling. Sometimes a friend will come through in a pinch. But most of the time we muddle through life seriously in need of a hug but unwilling to ask for one. Sunday was such a day for me. I was feeling ill, sad and unwanted–or as we like to call it: Human.
But, it didn’t stay that way. I went to conference despite the fact that my head was throbbing from my newly acquired head cold. I sat by Jade and Ben and then Caleb and his roomies sat on the other side of me. After a bit, I laid my head down on Caleb’s shoulder...and nearly fell asleep. He’s such a good kid, that Caleb is. Rather enigmatic, really, but very kind and giving.
When I got home TJ Adams called. He’d forgotten that it was Stake Conference, so he went to church but no one was there. I invited him over to hang out with us. After dinner we were waiting for Matt to show up to play some “Settlers of Catan”. We have an “L” shaped couch and TJ was laying on the long side of it. I laid down on the shorter side of it and put my head on his chest. He had has arm around me in such a convenient way that I got to hold his hand. We laid there for a bit and he told me that he’s sure he doesn’t make a very good pillow because he laughs too much. Then I read his palm. When Matt showed up we played the game. But...it was so nice to just be loved for a moment.
Then Ben Stellmon came over and he always gives me a hug and an “I love you”. By the end of the evening I felt very loved. I think I should have more days like that.
Squirrelly Wrath!
I was walking to work carrying a spoon–well, that’s interesting in and of itself, but that’s not the point of the story–the story is that there was this squirrel. It was running across the street...run, run, run, leap..into the Disappearing Tree. It didn’t run up the tree, however, he just kind of sat there part way up the trunk. He had his back to me and when I approached, he turned around and stared at me with this, “Hey! Whatcha lookin’ at! Yeah, bring it on! I’m not scared of you human!” I saw the ire with which the squirrel was nearly foaming over.
“Hi squirrel.” I said then started laughing. He looked at me with fire in his eyes as if I had no right to laugh at his squirrelly wrath. The he leaned his head back and watched me finish walking up the sidewalk.
“Hey!” said the squirrel, “Come back! Didn’t you used to be a tree!”
I bet that’s the squirrel that Jeff was doing the impression of...you know, the one that bit him?
Now...about the spoon.
Yes, I was walking to work carrying a spoon. This was with a purpose, but I figured what a better way for the elusive Mr. Eight to have an excuse to strike up a conversation. He’d see me across the tree lined (squirrel infested) path carrying my spoon and say to himself, “Who is that woman? She’s beautiful. Why is she carrying a spoon? I must know.” Then he’d walk up to me in all is Goran Visnjic-y glory and say, with his beautiful accent, “Hello, you are the most intriguing woman I’ve ever seen. Why are you carrying a spoon?”
I’d say, “I can sum that up for you in two words: Fish soup.” Then he’d look at me with that same face you are pulling at this very moment...a cross between “What the...?” and “Yuck!” Kind of comes out as “Bleh....?”
He’d look at me with his blue eyes glinting and a crooked smile, “I can take you away from a world filled with fish soup and bring you into a world of more identifiable food.”
“Sounds good.” I say, then I’d kick him in the shin and say, “Where the f#@* have you been?”
That’s why I was carrying a spoon.
John Withers DOES NOT have I.M.
MD: Hey, do you have IM...this would be fun to chat.
JW: no
MD: well, you’ll just have to burn in hell then
JW: likely
MD: I'll send you an icee...one of the blue ones
JW: assuming you're not also there. seems like a big leap.
The Bloody Spoon Does Me No Bloody Good
You know what makes for a bad day? I’ll tell you: not being able to heat up the lunch you didn’t want to eat in the first place in the microwave at work because your boss doesn’t like the smell of fish. I didn’t bloody want the bloody fish soup in the first place but it was all I had for lunch because I was too damn poor to get anything else. So not only did I carry the stupid fish soup up to work with me, but I had to carry it home, too.
So not only did the spoon fail in its fantasy purpose of helping me find Mr. Eight, it also failed to be useful in a normal spoonlike fashion. Now, on some level, I understand the wrath stirred up in The Tick as he yelled his battle cry “Spoon!” (“The roof! What a perfect place to fight crime!)
Teddy Jessup is the cutest little boy in the World
I was supposed to go watch Ted play soccer on Wednesday night, but I ended up calling Kylie and cancelling (bad soup day on top of other things). But before Ted’s game stated, Kylie and Ted showed up at my house with dinner for me and the cutest little card that Kylie had made. (She’s so good to me...she’s the BEST mean friend I’ve ever had!) Anyway, Ted says, “Maybe Maaike could show us her house.” I showed Ted around the apartment. When we were in the living room he said, “And what about that closet?” So I opened the closet and showed him the boxes, ironing board and coats that hang there. Then he walked to the window and said, “I just can’t believe how high up we are.” We sat on the back of the couch looking out the windows and Ted told me that it would take a very long time to walk all the way to the mountains.
Ted is such a cute boy and he is SO SMART!
My horoscope is as useless as ever:
'Secret' is like 'scarlet,' if you mix up the syllables and add an 'L' and don't get too hung up on the 'ee' versus 'ah' sound. Scarlet is blood red. Red blood is what keeps your heart pumping.
And that’s supposed to inspire me to do what?
Another Squirrel Story
There was this squirrel on the Hello walk. It was, as squirrels are wont to do, eating something using both hands. He was just sitting there gnawing away. I said, “Hi, squirrel.” It immediately dropped what it was eating and looked at me as if I had offered it the Holy Grail of whatever squirrels would consider the Holy Grail. “I’m sorry squirrel, I don’t have anything.” I said. He continued standing with its little arms hanging against the lighter colored fur of his stomach. I felt guilty for giving the squirrel false hope of a better meal. Too bad I couldn’t have given him the soup.
Joel Joins the Literati
Elizabeth and I are hooked on playing “Literati” all day. It’s kind of like Scrabble. Well, now Joel’s hooked on it, too. It’s a lot of fun.
Ok, Katie. I think that’s all for today. I can’t believe there’s only three weeks left of school. That means I have only three weeks of work left...then I have to figure out what I’m doing for the summer. And the rest of my life. Ack. Better not think of that. Squirrels...think of squirrels. But not spoons. They still make my cranky.
Love ya!
Maaike
Dear Katie--April 14, 2005
Hi Katie, April 14, 2005
How are you today? I’m glad you enjoyed your quiz and I’m also glad that you did well on it. In answer to some of your questions:
• Ecuador: Um, only if your parents are paying for my ticket and expenses, otherwise the farthest I can go is Pullman. (They could sell one of their planes.)
• The disappearing tree: It’s just a tree whose shadow went perfectly across the sidewalk so that anyone walking would “disappear” for just a second.
• And NO, none of the game players is “Mr. Cheese”. I’ve invited him a couple of times to play, but his only experience with the game was him against a married couple so he hates the game, which is unfortunate because we all have such a fabulous time playing.
You know that all my stories are long and complicated. Here’s the latest one:
When we play “Settlers of Catan” I usually have T.J. as my “pretend” boyfriend for the night. Well, Tennille had a dream that featured T.J. as her date, so I was teasing her about stealing my pretend boyfriend. So, one night T.J. was not available for the game, so I asked Joe if he’d be my pretend boyfriend, he said that he would. Then I found out that Tennille had asked him to the dance on Saturday night. She’s stolen both of my pretend boyfriends. But Joe said he’d be my boyfriend all the way until this Friday...mostly because he’s going on another date with Tennille on Saturday! However, this Sunday Joe was over playing Settlers and he gave me the cutest little compliment...and then he gave me a cupcake. I told Christina that he’s the best pretend boyfriend I’ve ever had. She said that she likes him better than all the other real guys I’ve liked. Joe likes being teased about having two girlfriends and me and her fighting over him. So, it’s good that he’s having fun, too.
Date, engagement, argument and it’s done:
The following is a conversation Joel Harris and I had during church–writing back and forth in my “Happy Bunny” tablet:
ME: Niki is really pretty and very kind and she likes to run–I don’t know how smart she is, but I think you should get to know her better–or are you stuck on blondes?
JOEL: No, but the only time I will run is either from a dog or the cops. I have thought about asking her out though.
ME: Me too (about the running!)–I think we’re meant for each other! What’s the blonde girlie’s name?
JOEL: I don’t think we are sitting next to each other by chance! Chantel.
ME: Oh, yes. I remember. So, do we need to set a goal by when you’ll ask her out–or can you handle it w/out outside help?
JOEL: I can handle it! Hey, let’s date!
ME: Ok, but we need to date at least two weeks before we get engaged.
JOEL: No, better yet, let’s get engaged now! Hell we’re Mormon aren’t we?
ME: Yes–we are! Let the rumors fly! Do you want to date Niki and Chantel first?
JOEL: Ok, back on topic. I really don’t know yet. My family goes by a term: Timing is everything.
ME: Ah, I see...well, good luck then! But, you can be my “pretend boyfriend”.
JOEL: Um.............okay.
(Pause in the writing)
JOEL: You don’t let me breathe...that’s it, we are through.
Joel’s a nut. But a cute one. Actually, he’s also annoying...because he’s loud.
James thinks he’s in charge.
So, T.J. and Paul (I don’t know Paul’s last name...he’s listed in my phone as Paul Catan because he’s one of those that we can call if we can’t find a 6th for the game.) came on Sunday night to play Settlers, but they brought this kid in a stripy shirt named James. He comes in, sits down and gets all in-chargy. Well, that didn’t last long at all. Joe (my pretend boyfriend) was being the banker and after James said something dumb Joe said, “Hey, be nice to my girlfriend!” I felt all tingly. Eventually, I had to let James know, in an ever so subtle yet completely SCORPIO way, that he was not to come into my group and start bossing us all around. Next time at the games there will be no James.
Walnuts and Stradivarius
John Withers and I went to a trio concert where this gentleman was playing on a million dollar violin. ACK! I don’t even trust myself to hold anything I know costs more than I can make in a month...like any piece of china! I don’t own any expensive jewelry just because it could be lost. I buy most of the things I own at Good Will so if they’re lost or broken I don’t have to feel guilty about it! All I can say is ACK!
A guy walked in and sat down in the row over from us. John said (somewhat incredulously), “He brought a novel.”
“He didn’t have a friend to bring.” I said.
“Thanks for being my friend so I didn’t have to bring a book.” said John.
Anyway, before the concert started I told John that I want to be a cello when I grow up. (He said, “Good luck with that.”) And I was very happy about it because then I’d get to be a tree first for at least 50 years. But then I realized I didn’t know what kind of tree to be. So, I asked “John, do they make violins and cellos out of certain types of wood?” (Because I’d like to be an oak so squirrels will live in me; they could bury the acorns by my toes, run up my body and arms and live in my hair. But in the end I’d probably just be a door, or a shelf, or some cupboards.) He told me that they usually use spruce or walnut trees to make cellos.
The concert began–the page turner was the cutest little old man! He was absolutely adorable! He was kind of a cross between Einstein and Mr. Tudball. The concert was absolutely amazing. It started out with a piece by a Spanish composer and it was actually my favorite of the three pieces. (They played a prelude from Shostakovich at the end which was hauntingly beautiful and ethereal.) The whole thing was so fabulous.
At the end of the concert as we were walking to John’s truck, I said, “If I’m going to be a cello, I’ll have to be a spruce, because I’m allergic to walnuts.”
“I don’t think it works that way.” he said.
“So, if I’m a walnut tree I won’t break out in cankers?” I asked.
“You’ll break out in walnuts.” he said.
I told that story to Trish at work and she enjoyed the childlike way I looked at life (I believe that is the greatest gift God has given to me). Then I told her that maybe I already was a walnut tree and that’s why I’m allergic, because it’s kind of like cannibalism. But, sadly, I don’t remember the cello part of my life. But, maybe that’s why I love them so much...maybe that’s why they speak to my heart like they do.
But I still wish squirrels would live in my hair.
Well, that’s all today...a shorter letter, of sorts. I’m happy and enjoying the new things that I’ve been learning about myself and my Heavenly Father. It’s amazing how patient He is with me and how many chances he gives me to learn the same thing. I’ve got good friends up here and I know why I have them in my life at this time (yes, even Mr. Cheese).
Love,
Maaike
How are you today? I’m glad you enjoyed your quiz and I’m also glad that you did well on it. In answer to some of your questions:
• Ecuador: Um, only if your parents are paying for my ticket and expenses, otherwise the farthest I can go is Pullman. (They could sell one of their planes.)
• The disappearing tree: It’s just a tree whose shadow went perfectly across the sidewalk so that anyone walking would “disappear” for just a second.
• And NO, none of the game players is “Mr. Cheese”. I’ve invited him a couple of times to play, but his only experience with the game was him against a married couple so he hates the game, which is unfortunate because we all have such a fabulous time playing.
You know that all my stories are long and complicated. Here’s the latest one:
When we play “Settlers of Catan” I usually have T.J. as my “pretend” boyfriend for the night. Well, Tennille had a dream that featured T.J. as her date, so I was teasing her about stealing my pretend boyfriend. So, one night T.J. was not available for the game, so I asked Joe if he’d be my pretend boyfriend, he said that he would. Then I found out that Tennille had asked him to the dance on Saturday night. She’s stolen both of my pretend boyfriends. But Joe said he’d be my boyfriend all the way until this Friday...mostly because he’s going on another date with Tennille on Saturday! However, this Sunday Joe was over playing Settlers and he gave me the cutest little compliment...and then he gave me a cupcake. I told Christina that he’s the best pretend boyfriend I’ve ever had. She said that she likes him better than all the other real guys I’ve liked. Joe likes being teased about having two girlfriends and me and her fighting over him. So, it’s good that he’s having fun, too.
Date, engagement, argument and it’s done:
The following is a conversation Joel Harris and I had during church–writing back and forth in my “Happy Bunny” tablet:
ME: Niki is really pretty and very kind and she likes to run–I don’t know how smart she is, but I think you should get to know her better–or are you stuck on blondes?
JOEL: No, but the only time I will run is either from a dog or the cops. I have thought about asking her out though.
ME: Me too (about the running!)–I think we’re meant for each other! What’s the blonde girlie’s name?
JOEL: I don’t think we are sitting next to each other by chance! Chantel.
ME: Oh, yes. I remember. So, do we need to set a goal by when you’ll ask her out–or can you handle it w/out outside help?
JOEL: I can handle it! Hey, let’s date!
ME: Ok, but we need to date at least two weeks before we get engaged.
JOEL: No, better yet, let’s get engaged now! Hell we’re Mormon aren’t we?
ME: Yes–we are! Let the rumors fly! Do you want to date Niki and Chantel first?
JOEL: Ok, back on topic. I really don’t know yet. My family goes by a term: Timing is everything.
ME: Ah, I see...well, good luck then! But, you can be my “pretend boyfriend”.
JOEL: Um.............okay.
(Pause in the writing)
JOEL: You don’t let me breathe...that’s it, we are through.
Joel’s a nut. But a cute one. Actually, he’s also annoying...because he’s loud.
James thinks he’s in charge.
So, T.J. and Paul (I don’t know Paul’s last name...he’s listed in my phone as Paul Catan because he’s one of those that we can call if we can’t find a 6th for the game.) came on Sunday night to play Settlers, but they brought this kid in a stripy shirt named James. He comes in, sits down and gets all in-chargy. Well, that didn’t last long at all. Joe (my pretend boyfriend) was being the banker and after James said something dumb Joe said, “Hey, be nice to my girlfriend!” I felt all tingly. Eventually, I had to let James know, in an ever so subtle yet completely SCORPIO way, that he was not to come into my group and start bossing us all around. Next time at the games there will be no James.
Walnuts and Stradivarius
John Withers and I went to a trio concert where this gentleman was playing on a million dollar violin. ACK! I don’t even trust myself to hold anything I know costs more than I can make in a month...like any piece of china! I don’t own any expensive jewelry just because it could be lost. I buy most of the things I own at Good Will so if they’re lost or broken I don’t have to feel guilty about it! All I can say is ACK!
A guy walked in and sat down in the row over from us. John said (somewhat incredulously), “He brought a novel.”
“He didn’t have a friend to bring.” I said.
“Thanks for being my friend so I didn’t have to bring a book.” said John.
Anyway, before the concert started I told John that I want to be a cello when I grow up. (He said, “Good luck with that.”) And I was very happy about it because then I’d get to be a tree first for at least 50 years. But then I realized I didn’t know what kind of tree to be. So, I asked “John, do they make violins and cellos out of certain types of wood?” (Because I’d like to be an oak so squirrels will live in me; they could bury the acorns by my toes, run up my body and arms and live in my hair. But in the end I’d probably just be a door, or a shelf, or some cupboards.) He told me that they usually use spruce or walnut trees to make cellos.
The concert began–the page turner was the cutest little old man! He was absolutely adorable! He was kind of a cross between Einstein and Mr. Tudball. The concert was absolutely amazing. It started out with a piece by a Spanish composer and it was actually my favorite of the three pieces. (They played a prelude from Shostakovich at the end which was hauntingly beautiful and ethereal.) The whole thing was so fabulous.
At the end of the concert as we were walking to John’s truck, I said, “If I’m going to be a cello, I’ll have to be a spruce, because I’m allergic to walnuts.”
“I don’t think it works that way.” he said.
“So, if I’m a walnut tree I won’t break out in cankers?” I asked.
“You’ll break out in walnuts.” he said.
I told that story to Trish at work and she enjoyed the childlike way I looked at life (I believe that is the greatest gift God has given to me). Then I told her that maybe I already was a walnut tree and that’s why I’m allergic, because it’s kind of like cannibalism. But, sadly, I don’t remember the cello part of my life. But, maybe that’s why I love them so much...maybe that’s why they speak to my heart like they do.
But I still wish squirrels would live in my hair.
Well, that’s all today...a shorter letter, of sorts. I’m happy and enjoying the new things that I’ve been learning about myself and my Heavenly Father. It’s amazing how patient He is with me and how many chances he gives me to learn the same thing. I’ve got good friends up here and I know why I have them in my life at this time (yes, even Mr. Cheese).
Love,
Maaike
Dear Katie--undated letter, but Spring of 2005
Dear Katie,
Hello! How are you? I hope that things are GREAT and that Boise is being good to you, or I’ll tell its Mom.
Speaking of Mom, I went home for Spring Break and stayed with my Mommy. It was really fun. We did our traditional shopping at all the thrift stores in Idaho Falls (and the Deseret industries in Rexburg, too). And...oh boy...I found the best shoes! In fact, this was definitely the Shoe Vacation. I found a pair of brown leather dress shoes at the Salvation Army for $1.95. They’re FABULOUS. Believe me, they’ve been the envy of a couple of different friends. Then, at the DI in IF I found a pair of burgundy patent leather penny loafers with a two inch heels. They’re pretty much new and Amy already claimed dibs on them if I get tired. THEN I found a pair of brown leather shoes at the DI in Rexburg (AKA Iceberg or Kolob). They’ve got a heel on them (not that I need the height, but they are, as the others, totally fabu!). I rounded out my vacation by finding a pair of slip on tennis shoes to replace the “cheese shoes” that could almost walk on their own. AND...this is the most unbelievable part of it all: last year I found a pair of extremely comfortable shoes at the Salvation Army in Lewiston. They finally bit the dust and I had to throw them away. There was seriously no wear left in the shoes. BUT while I was at Payless in IF I found THE EXACT PAIR OF SHOES ONLY NEW!! So I had to buy them. They were only $12.99...which was $12.40 more than I paid the first time I bough the shoes, but, they were so very worth it. So t, that means five pairs of new shoes in a week for under $30.00. I’m so excited.
Men won’t get it. Don’t even try to explain it to them.
You know, I was thinking about past Spring Breaks. The first one here I spent with Christina and Mandy stuck in Moscow because of a freak snow storm. We ended up spending the most fun day in Colfax (of all places) trying to find the store with the deer butt mounted on the wall. The next Spring Break doesn’t stand out to me at all. I don’t remember a dang thing about it. Last year I went to England. This year I got shoes. The whirlwind that is my life just doesn’t end.
When I was in England one of the funniest things happened: the guest room I Daniel’s house was right next to the bathroom. I was sleeping soundly under a yellow-gingham duvet when I heard Daniel yelling down the hallway, Darren! Darren!”
“What”“ came the sleepy reply.
“We’re out of toilet roll.”
“What?” said Darren.
“We’re out of toilet roll!” Daniel shouted a second time.
It was at this point that I realized that the spare rolls were in the close in my room. I got out of bed, opened the cupboard, grabbed a roll of toilet paper and opened the door. There was my sweet Daniel sitting on the throne. Without a word, I presented the toilet paper. He laughed. I closed the door and crawled back into bed. After a couple of minutes my door opened. It was Daniel. He was still laughing.
“Not a very dignified position to be caught in.” he said.
“Remember, I grew up in a house with one toilet and ten people. I’m still most comfortable with the bathroom door wide open no matter the situation.” I assured him.
He leaned down t o give me a cuddle. “You’re so warm,” he said. Then he laid down on me...and ran his hands up and down my face–they were still wet from washing them.
“Hey!” I giggled
He stayed by me for about five minutes then said, “Well, I’d better get ready for work.”
That whole week I never bothered with the time change. I’d sleep until he got back from work, then hang out all evening with him. Then I’d stay up int e night either reading, or using his computer to talk to my friends back home. It was the best Spring Break I’d ever had. I love Daniel. He’s a random hugger...and once he hugs he doesn’t let go for a long while. It’s so comforting. He’s so wonderful to me. I think everyone should have a friend like Daniel. But everyone can’t have Daniel, he’s mine. I’m jealous enough as is!!
I kept calling Daniel “Squishy” because of “Finding Nemo” you know, then Dori finds the baby jellyfish and says, “I will call you Squishy and you will be mine. You will be my Squishy.” After a couple of days Daniel asked me if I’d been calling him that because he’d put on weight. HEEHEEHEE! I told him about the movie and just that I was unwilling to share him with anyone, thus, he was MY Squishy.
Jade had a boy stalking her and she told him that she wasn’t interested in dating him. I felt really sad, not because of the boy but because I’ve been there SO MANY TIMES! So, although the scriptures tell me not to give up Hope, I think I have to give up hope (lower case h...I’ll keep the upper case Hope, but say goodbye to hope). SO...my solutions is to drown myself in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” so that I can be in love with Angel the Vampire and live inside my head where it’s safe. I’ll sill peek out and socialize–I can’t help it! I love people!–but I’ll give up worrying about being someone else’s Squishy. Daniel said I could marry Angel if I wanted...and Daddy forbade me to marry a “stupid Yankee and Angel was born in Ireland (250 years ago). So, I think that’s all the permission I need.
When Daddy told me not to marry a stupid Yankee I had fun explaining to him that Yankee was actually a term for the Dutch settlers. Heeheehee! But, Daddy didn’t like any of his sons-in law (despite the fact that with just three sisters there have been seven sons-in-law) so it’s up to me to find the one that daddy would like. I think a vampire with a soul who has a steady job and isn’t a “stupid Yankee” might fit the bill. Besides, Mom is still holding up the promise Daddy made of giving $20.00 to the man that marries me. And since I like tall, dark, handsome (with some meat on the bones, Please!) Angel has the look too. Now, he just has to be kind. And dump Buffy. And get rod of the gypsy curse. And fall I love with me. Then collect his $2000. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy! Life is Cake when I live inside my head.
Ok, so my sisters Sherri and Chris work and Taco John’s in IF. They have a new menu item called Chicken Crispies which are basically McNuggets. BUT the boss didn’t want them associated with Nuggets so he told the crew that they were NOT nuggets. Sherri was running the cash register when a couple in their late thirties walked up.
“What are Chicken Crispies?” the man asked.
Remembering not to call them nuggets, Sherri said, “They’re deep friend chicken balls.”
“Oh, I didn’t know chickens had balls,” said the man.
The laughter that ensued has yet to ebb.
I’ve been reading a book called “Towing Jehovah” by James Morrow. It’s been rather interesting. The other day I read this sentence in it: “A person should be valued for what he gave, [...] not for what he possessed.” That’s so true! Soon after reading that I heard in a song by Vertical Horizon: “Everything you wanted me to hide is everything that makes me feel alive. Everything you wanted from me is everything that I could never be.” Now, this is kind of weird, but that’s why I’m not interested in being thin. When I was thin I had guys asking me out a lot (I was told by a couple of people that I should be a model–I think it’s the Dutch half of me). Guys I didn’t know would ask me for my number. I’d always tell them no. I don’t want o be asked out on dates or be admired for what I look like. I want to be admired for WHAT I AM INSIDE! I know it’s really dumb, but I’d be happy to be thin for a man that already loves me, than to be thin so men will love me because they like the way I look. I have been trying to lose some weight. But I’ll tell you this, if guys who ignored me while I was chubby start talking to me when I’m thin, they’ll find out that they can’t have NOW what they didn’t want THEN.
Well, I guess that’s it for today. Oh, except that Mandy’ Martineaus’ mom is reading a book that’s called with a”A Worm’s Journal” or “A Worm’s Diary” something like that and she shared a great entry: “My sister kept staring into the mirror, so finally I told her, ‘No matter how long you stare, your head still looks like your butt’.”
I hope you have a GREAT day!
Love ya!
Maaike
P.S. A story of irony: As you are aware, my life is filled with irony. I have no control over things that happen to me. No control at all. So, here’s what happened yesterday:
One of the pairs of fabu shoes (the ones from the Rexburg DI) while fitting gorgeously while sitting or standing proved to be of the Chinese foot-binding variety in real life. By the time I walked from my apartment to the third floor of the Admin building I had a lovely blister of the back of each foot. I wandered around all day without my shoes on. Then, when faced with the daunting task of walking home I wondered what to do. Would Jade be home to come pick me up? Christina gets off of work at 5:00 I could wait around until she could come get me? Would Ben come? What about John? Nah...I decided to just walk home. I put the pair of shoes in an empty box that Sherril had given to me (only after making the promise that I won’t move home for good) then walked home in my socks. There was the occasional rock or twig that caused a twinge in my foot, but what can you do, eh? As I continued walking my feet were yelling more ane more. The smooth sidewalks were quite cold and the rough roads were...well, rough. I finally broke down and said a little prayer asking for someone to come give me a ride.
Not too long after that I saw a white car and thought, “Yea! It’s Jade!” But then the girl started smoking and I thought, “Not Jade.” So I said another prayer. This time I said I didn’t care who it was that gave m me a ride, I’d even take a ride form a total stranger. I walked a few more steps with my shoes in my box and my bag a little heavier than it should have been when a green jeep–thing pulled over. Ah! Relief at last! And who is my blessed knight-in-shining armor? None other than Dorothy Jennings.
Now, just in case you’ve forgotten, Dorothy and I haven’t talked to each other since my first Christmas up here when I told her that she should be thankful to spend time with her Dad because mine was gone and we had a big blow-out over that. We’ve hardly said “boo” to each other since.
Anyway, I get into her car and she asks about my not wearing shoes. I ask her what size shoes she wears and then gave her the fabulous shoes that were the cause of all my pain. She gave me a ride home and I said, “thanks, Dorothy. You were the answer to a prayer today.”
Then, I got into my house and told Jade and Tennille about how God not only works in mysterious ways, but totally IRONIC ones, too.
Hello! How are you? I hope that things are GREAT and that Boise is being good to you, or I’ll tell its Mom.
Speaking of Mom, I went home for Spring Break and stayed with my Mommy. It was really fun. We did our traditional shopping at all the thrift stores in Idaho Falls (and the Deseret industries in Rexburg, too). And...oh boy...I found the best shoes! In fact, this was definitely the Shoe Vacation. I found a pair of brown leather dress shoes at the Salvation Army for $1.95. They’re FABULOUS. Believe me, they’ve been the envy of a couple of different friends. Then, at the DI in IF I found a pair of burgundy patent leather penny loafers with a two inch heels. They’re pretty much new and Amy already claimed dibs on them if I get tired. THEN I found a pair of brown leather shoes at the DI in Rexburg (AKA Iceberg or Kolob). They’ve got a heel on them (not that I need the height, but they are, as the others, totally fabu!). I rounded out my vacation by finding a pair of slip on tennis shoes to replace the “cheese shoes” that could almost walk on their own. AND...this is the most unbelievable part of it all: last year I found a pair of extremely comfortable shoes at the Salvation Army in Lewiston. They finally bit the dust and I had to throw them away. There was seriously no wear left in the shoes. BUT while I was at Payless in IF I found THE EXACT PAIR OF SHOES ONLY NEW!! So I had to buy them. They were only $12.99...which was $12.40 more than I paid the first time I bough the shoes, but, they were so very worth it. So t, that means five pairs of new shoes in a week for under $30.00. I’m so excited.
Men won’t get it. Don’t even try to explain it to them.
You know, I was thinking about past Spring Breaks. The first one here I spent with Christina and Mandy stuck in Moscow because of a freak snow storm. We ended up spending the most fun day in Colfax (of all places) trying to find the store with the deer butt mounted on the wall. The next Spring Break doesn’t stand out to me at all. I don’t remember a dang thing about it. Last year I went to England. This year I got shoes. The whirlwind that is my life just doesn’t end.
When I was in England one of the funniest things happened: the guest room I Daniel’s house was right next to the bathroom. I was sleeping soundly under a yellow-gingham duvet when I heard Daniel yelling down the hallway, Darren! Darren!”
“What”“ came the sleepy reply.
“We’re out of toilet roll.”
“What?” said Darren.
“We’re out of toilet roll!” Daniel shouted a second time.
It was at this point that I realized that the spare rolls were in the close in my room. I got out of bed, opened the cupboard, grabbed a roll of toilet paper and opened the door. There was my sweet Daniel sitting on the throne. Without a word, I presented the toilet paper. He laughed. I closed the door and crawled back into bed. After a couple of minutes my door opened. It was Daniel. He was still laughing.
“Not a very dignified position to be caught in.” he said.
“Remember, I grew up in a house with one toilet and ten people. I’m still most comfortable with the bathroom door wide open no matter the situation.” I assured him.
He leaned down t o give me a cuddle. “You’re so warm,” he said. Then he laid down on me...and ran his hands up and down my face–they were still wet from washing them.
“Hey!” I giggled
He stayed by me for about five minutes then said, “Well, I’d better get ready for work.”
That whole week I never bothered with the time change. I’d sleep until he got back from work, then hang out all evening with him. Then I’d stay up int e night either reading, or using his computer to talk to my friends back home. It was the best Spring Break I’d ever had. I love Daniel. He’s a random hugger...and once he hugs he doesn’t let go for a long while. It’s so comforting. He’s so wonderful to me. I think everyone should have a friend like Daniel. But everyone can’t have Daniel, he’s mine. I’m jealous enough as is!!
I kept calling Daniel “Squishy” because of “Finding Nemo” you know, then Dori finds the baby jellyfish and says, “I will call you Squishy and you will be mine. You will be my Squishy.” After a couple of days Daniel asked me if I’d been calling him that because he’d put on weight. HEEHEEHEE! I told him about the movie and just that I was unwilling to share him with anyone, thus, he was MY Squishy.
Jade had a boy stalking her and she told him that she wasn’t interested in dating him. I felt really sad, not because of the boy but because I’ve been there SO MANY TIMES! So, although the scriptures tell me not to give up Hope, I think I have to give up hope (lower case h...I’ll keep the upper case Hope, but say goodbye to hope). SO...my solutions is to drown myself in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” so that I can be in love with Angel the Vampire and live inside my head where it’s safe. I’ll sill peek out and socialize–I can’t help it! I love people!–but I’ll give up worrying about being someone else’s Squishy. Daniel said I could marry Angel if I wanted...and Daddy forbade me to marry a “stupid Yankee and Angel was born in Ireland (250 years ago). So, I think that’s all the permission I need.
When Daddy told me not to marry a stupid Yankee I had fun explaining to him that Yankee was actually a term for the Dutch settlers. Heeheehee! But, Daddy didn’t like any of his sons-in law (despite the fact that with just three sisters there have been seven sons-in-law) so it’s up to me to find the one that daddy would like. I think a vampire with a soul who has a steady job and isn’t a “stupid Yankee” might fit the bill. Besides, Mom is still holding up the promise Daddy made of giving $20.00 to the man that marries me. And since I like tall, dark, handsome (with some meat on the bones, Please!) Angel has the look too. Now, he just has to be kind. And dump Buffy. And get rod of the gypsy curse. And fall I love with me. Then collect his $2000. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy! Life is Cake when I live inside my head.
Ok, so my sisters Sherri and Chris work and Taco John’s in IF. They have a new menu item called Chicken Crispies which are basically McNuggets. BUT the boss didn’t want them associated with Nuggets so he told the crew that they were NOT nuggets. Sherri was running the cash register when a couple in their late thirties walked up.
“What are Chicken Crispies?” the man asked.
Remembering not to call them nuggets, Sherri said, “They’re deep friend chicken balls.”
“Oh, I didn’t know chickens had balls,” said the man.
The laughter that ensued has yet to ebb.
I’ve been reading a book called “Towing Jehovah” by James Morrow. It’s been rather interesting. The other day I read this sentence in it: “A person should be valued for what he gave, [...] not for what he possessed.” That’s so true! Soon after reading that I heard in a song by Vertical Horizon: “Everything you wanted me to hide is everything that makes me feel alive. Everything you wanted from me is everything that I could never be.” Now, this is kind of weird, but that’s why I’m not interested in being thin. When I was thin I had guys asking me out a lot (I was told by a couple of people that I should be a model–I think it’s the Dutch half of me). Guys I didn’t know would ask me for my number. I’d always tell them no. I don’t want o be asked out on dates or be admired for what I look like. I want to be admired for WHAT I AM INSIDE! I know it’s really dumb, but I’d be happy to be thin for a man that already loves me, than to be thin so men will love me because they like the way I look. I have been trying to lose some weight. But I’ll tell you this, if guys who ignored me while I was chubby start talking to me when I’m thin, they’ll find out that they can’t have NOW what they didn’t want THEN.
Well, I guess that’s it for today. Oh, except that Mandy’ Martineaus’ mom is reading a book that’s called with a”A Worm’s Journal” or “A Worm’s Diary” something like that and she shared a great entry: “My sister kept staring into the mirror, so finally I told her, ‘No matter how long you stare, your head still looks like your butt’.”
I hope you have a GREAT day!
Love ya!
Maaike
P.S. A story of irony: As you are aware, my life is filled with irony. I have no control over things that happen to me. No control at all. So, here’s what happened yesterday:
One of the pairs of fabu shoes (the ones from the Rexburg DI) while fitting gorgeously while sitting or standing proved to be of the Chinese foot-binding variety in real life. By the time I walked from my apartment to the third floor of the Admin building I had a lovely blister of the back of each foot. I wandered around all day without my shoes on. Then, when faced with the daunting task of walking home I wondered what to do. Would Jade be home to come pick me up? Christina gets off of work at 5:00 I could wait around until she could come get me? Would Ben come? What about John? Nah...I decided to just walk home. I put the pair of shoes in an empty box that Sherril had given to me (only after making the promise that I won’t move home for good) then walked home in my socks. There was the occasional rock or twig that caused a twinge in my foot, but what can you do, eh? As I continued walking my feet were yelling more ane more. The smooth sidewalks were quite cold and the rough roads were...well, rough. I finally broke down and said a little prayer asking for someone to come give me a ride.
Not too long after that I saw a white car and thought, “Yea! It’s Jade!” But then the girl started smoking and I thought, “Not Jade.” So I said another prayer. This time I said I didn’t care who it was that gave m me a ride, I’d even take a ride form a total stranger. I walked a few more steps with my shoes in my box and my bag a little heavier than it should have been when a green jeep–thing pulled over. Ah! Relief at last! And who is my blessed knight-in-shining armor? None other than Dorothy Jennings.
Now, just in case you’ve forgotten, Dorothy and I haven’t talked to each other since my first Christmas up here when I told her that she should be thankful to spend time with her Dad because mine was gone and we had a big blow-out over that. We’ve hardly said “boo” to each other since.
Anyway, I get into her car and she asks about my not wearing shoes. I ask her what size shoes she wears and then gave her the fabulous shoes that were the cause of all my pain. She gave me a ride home and I said, “thanks, Dorothy. You were the answer to a prayer today.”
Then, I got into my house and told Jade and Tennille about how God not only works in mysterious ways, but totally IRONIC ones, too.
Dear Katie--April 9, 2005
Dear Katie, April 9, 2005
Hello, how are you? How’s “Ignoring Man” doing? (Not as good a nickname as “Mr. Cheese” but it’s all I’ve got today.) I’m doing good. There were so many different things that happened this week, so I’m going to give these to you with titles.
We Get To See a Movie For FREE
Christina was at a conference in Texas for work, so Nathan asked me if I wanted to go see “Sin City” with him. We meet at the theater and while we’re walking in, I decided that I’d better turn off my phone. I was looking down at my phone when they guy at the cash register said, “How can I hope you gentlemen?”
I look up. “Gentlemen?” I said. Then the poor kid just started apologizing profusely. He was so embarrassed. I told him, “It’s the height. It’s happened to me before.” He was just distraught. I finally reached over the counter and gave him a pat on the arm, “Really, it’s ok.”
Still he kept futzing, and he said, “I don’t know what to do.”
I said, “Free movie?”
And he said, “Ok, what do you want to see.” So, Nathan and I got to see the movie for free.
When we sat down in the theater, Nathan said, “you’re good to have around.”
Moral of the story: Good on the pocket book, Bad for the self-esteem.
Getting things for free continues:
After the movie, I went home to kill some time before the guys came over for board games. I decided that I’d fix our front door. The lock was falling apart bit by bit. I took the doorknob out and took a look at the locking mechanism. If metal could rot (well, faster than it does) than this piece was rotten. I locked the deadbolt and took the broken part to Best Buy. I go to the back of the store and find a worker guy. “Can I guy just this part of a doorknob?” I ask.
“Sure, what kind is it?” he said.
“A broken one.” I said and handed it to him. He looked at my key that opened it and he discovered what kind it was. Then he dug in a box behind the counter and handed me the right part.
“It’s a donated one, so it’s free.”
“It’s free?”
“Yep, so that saved you about seven bucks.”
Some things I wondered about while I was walking home today:
1. How hungry would I have to be to eat that shriveled apple core on the ground?
2. Why does that light post have an address?
a. Does it get pizzas delivered?
b. Does its Maker write it letters?
c. Is it dyslexic because there is a 20 and a 6 on it?
3. When will Ben get back? (I miss him!)
4. If your name were Gordon, why would you use the nickname “Gord”?
a. Why not “Don”?
b. Or every “Gorrey”?
5. How can I control my life, when I can’t even control my hair?
How’s the guy I fancy?
You asked me about that guy I fancied, or as you called him; “Mr. Cheese”. Well, Mr. Cheese is doing very well, enjoying a very happy, prosperous life...just without me in it. (Now the next step is to see if the palm reader was right: if number eight is the ever elusive Mr. Right.) Mr. Cheese and I had some communication problems...i.e. I’d ignore his hints even though I understood them (but if people don’t say things right out, then I’m not going to spend my time guessing and hoping that I got the correct signal), and he attached motives to everything I said and did. The problem there is that I just do a lot of things, I don’t think about why I’m doing it; there’s not always a hidden agenda. (Side note: It’s like Andi said, “If I had to think every time before I spoke, I’d never get to talk again!) Since we couldn’t communicate well it would’ve been a hell of a life!
You know, learning how someone shows love is an extremely important part of any relationship. For example, for me, spending time with me shows me love. It doesn’t have to cost money, it just has to be time together...even if it’s just getting groceries. Another way is if they show they were thinking of me when they didn’t have to. Like how Daniel sends me anything he finds with purple and yellow irises on them because he knows they’re my favorite. Not that he’s buying something for me, but because he knows I love irises and when he sees them, he thinks of me. Someone telling me that I’m beautiful and trying to touch me all of the time (note: the word is ALL, because I do enjoy it some times!) doesn’t really do it for me because I don’t want to be loved for my body. And the guy who shall remain nameless (like Voldemort) only thought people loved him if they spent great deals of money on him. (BTW, he’s not one of the seven the palm reader told me about. He didn’t break my heart–he broke everything else, but by that point there was no love in my heart for him to make me cry about.) So, learning how the person you love accepts love is an important part of being in any relationship. Luckily for me, my friends like Christina, Kylie and Amy are also “time-spenders” so we get along very well in the “do my friends love me” arena of life.
Learning from my Brother My brother, Albert, makes up songs from Hymns. Two of my favorites are:
Count your blessings, one, two, now I’m done.
Count your blessings...wait! What was number one?
And:
Let us oft speak kind words to each other,
For that f’in’ s.o.b. is your brother.
Well, I’ve proved myself as Al’s sister (and as an English major) because I was walking around singing:
Oh we are as the Lord’s dictionary...
Then I stopped and said right out loud, “What did I say?” and then started laughing! Although dictionaries are useful–and Christina knows the joy I experience while just browsing through for unknown words–I doubt that it would be a useful tool to Him.
Ben’s BACK!
Ben Stellmon got home last night! He came to the house and gave me a great big hug. The sad thing is that he’s going to be moving. It’s all so sad. Especially since Ben and I became Insta-friends–seriously, there was none of that getting to know each other stuff, we were just friends! Maybe I should adopt him.
Elizabeth applies for a job
Elizabeth was filling out a questionnaire for a job application for Hastings and it was asking her questions like “Do your moods change from minute to minute?” “Do you ignore people who annoy you?” and, “Do you ever fake being polite?” And she had to answer them according to what she thought the people wanted to hear, but it was hilariously funny to listen to her laugh while she tried to answer them. Especially since Happy Bunny is Elizabeth’s hero. The quote from Happy Bunny that best describes Elizabeth’s attitude is: You can help anyone turn a frown into a smile, just rip off their head and turn it upside down.
Then Elizabeth gave us all dinosaur names. She’s badassasaurus, I’m lameassasaurus, Lucia is narcoleptisaurus, Diana is schizasaurus, and Aubrey is midgetasaurus. She hasn’t thought of a name for Trish yet, but I think she should be the teranadon...because Elizabeth said, “Yep, I’m badassasaurus, I’d say, ‘Hey you, teranadon, what you lookin’ at!’.”
Jeff’s continued quest for cremation
Jeff Beck seems to be under the impression that if he loses a limb, he will save money on his cremation. He thought that if he lost his arm, then he could save some cash. The way I figure it is if he’s dead, he won’t care how much it costs anyway. At least as far as I know, our bills don’t follow us into the next world. Death doesn’t come along with a scythe and a forwarding address label for the Post Office. “Here, just fill this out, then we’ll be on our way.”
Big Brother Really is Watching!
I’ve set my phone to ring like a regular telephone whenever Albert calls me. But, when the phone rings at 7 am, it’s always a little off-putting. I was too late to answer it, but I got the message that Al had got my message. And I had no idea I’d called him. So, I called him back and I said, “I left you a message?”
“Yea, I could hear this back ground noise and then you talking.” He told me what I’d said and I realized that the message was a recording of Christina and I wandering around Walmart. Then Al said, “Yes, I guess it’s true, Big Brother really is watching!”
What Augustus is Learning
Kylie’s little boy, Ted, is the cutest. Ok, the story; Kylie’s mom has two horses, Snickers and Augustus. Last night Kylie said, “Hey, Ted. Tell Maaike what Augustus is doing.”
“He’s in class.” said Ted.
“Really? What’s he learning?”
“He’s learning to speak...English.” Ted answered.
I looked up at Kylie and smiled. She said, “Actually, he’s being broken.” We both started laughing. I love the way Ted looks at life.
Phone calls
I’m over in the lab, using the computer, when my phone rings. I look at it and it’s Elizabeth in the fish bowl of the lab. She called me to tell me there was an emergency in the lab and I needed to come back. I tell her I’ll be there in a few minutes. Then Aubrey calls me...from the fish bowl, she’s sitting right next to Elizabeth. She said that there really is an emergency and I need to come to the office. Since it is encased in glass, I can see that the only emergency is that they’re bored enough to keep calling me on my phone. So, just like Stephen Wright’s East German Shepard, I just ignored them and kept on typing. Soon my phone rings again. It’s Aubrey. There really was an emergency. Elizabeth had Aubrey’s letter opener and was being a menace. I went back to work.
Maaike Learns the Hard Way–Again.
I was on my lunch hour and walking furiously fast trying to get to the post office and back before Andi had to leave to go to class. In front of me, there was a girl walking with long brown hair and a yellow rain jacket on. She had such an aura of sadness about her that I decided that if she looked up I would smile and say “Hi.” We got closer and closer and I could feel her sadness, but she never looked up. When she got right by me, we just passed each other and I didn’t say a thing. But when she passed I felt her sadness just tug at my heart.
She was gone and I had the impression to turn around and talk to her. But then I thought, “What am I going to say? I don’t know her.” So, I just kept walking.
Well, I’ve regretted it ever since. She was so sad. I should have said something. If I’d said “Hi” it would have forced her to look up. What if no one around that day tried to make a difference in her life? When I got home I prayed for the opportunity to meet her again, or if I couldn’t have that chance, that just someone would listen better than I did.
I should have taken the time to do my best Irish accent and say to her, “God loves ya.” a la Monica on “Touched By An Angel”. I should have told her that God is aware of her and her sadness and that He loves her. Instead I hurried to the post office.
All I got was an advertisement for Jiffy Lube.
Promise me that no matter how much of a hurry you’re in from now on, that you’ll always stop to cheer up any stranger that passes by you. I promise to do the same and never let the opportunity pass me by ever again.
I love you!
Love,
Maaike
Hello, how are you? How’s “Ignoring Man” doing? (Not as good a nickname as “Mr. Cheese” but it’s all I’ve got today.) I’m doing good. There were so many different things that happened this week, so I’m going to give these to you with titles.
We Get To See a Movie For FREE
Christina was at a conference in Texas for work, so Nathan asked me if I wanted to go see “Sin City” with him. We meet at the theater and while we’re walking in, I decided that I’d better turn off my phone. I was looking down at my phone when they guy at the cash register said, “How can I hope you gentlemen?”
I look up. “Gentlemen?” I said. Then the poor kid just started apologizing profusely. He was so embarrassed. I told him, “It’s the height. It’s happened to me before.” He was just distraught. I finally reached over the counter and gave him a pat on the arm, “Really, it’s ok.”
Still he kept futzing, and he said, “I don’t know what to do.”
I said, “Free movie?”
And he said, “Ok, what do you want to see.” So, Nathan and I got to see the movie for free.
When we sat down in the theater, Nathan said, “you’re good to have around.”
Moral of the story: Good on the pocket book, Bad for the self-esteem.
Getting things for free continues:
After the movie, I went home to kill some time before the guys came over for board games. I decided that I’d fix our front door. The lock was falling apart bit by bit. I took the doorknob out and took a look at the locking mechanism. If metal could rot (well, faster than it does) than this piece was rotten. I locked the deadbolt and took the broken part to Best Buy. I go to the back of the store and find a worker guy. “Can I guy just this part of a doorknob?” I ask.
“Sure, what kind is it?” he said.
“A broken one.” I said and handed it to him. He looked at my key that opened it and he discovered what kind it was. Then he dug in a box behind the counter and handed me the right part.
“It’s a donated one, so it’s free.”
“It’s free?”
“Yep, so that saved you about seven bucks.”
Some things I wondered about while I was walking home today:
1. How hungry would I have to be to eat that shriveled apple core on the ground?
2. Why does that light post have an address?
a. Does it get pizzas delivered?
b. Does its Maker write it letters?
c. Is it dyslexic because there is a 20 and a 6 on it?
3. When will Ben get back? (I miss him!)
4. If your name were Gordon, why would you use the nickname “Gord”?
a. Why not “Don”?
b. Or every “Gorrey”?
5. How can I control my life, when I can’t even control my hair?
How’s the guy I fancy?
You asked me about that guy I fancied, or as you called him; “Mr. Cheese”. Well, Mr. Cheese is doing very well, enjoying a very happy, prosperous life...just without me in it. (Now the next step is to see if the palm reader was right: if number eight is the ever elusive Mr. Right.) Mr. Cheese and I had some communication problems...i.e. I’d ignore his hints even though I understood them (but if people don’t say things right out, then I’m not going to spend my time guessing and hoping that I got the correct signal), and he attached motives to everything I said and did. The problem there is that I just do a lot of things, I don’t think about why I’m doing it; there’s not always a hidden agenda. (Side note: It’s like Andi said, “If I had to think every time before I spoke, I’d never get to talk again!) Since we couldn’t communicate well it would’ve been a hell of a life!
You know, learning how someone shows love is an extremely important part of any relationship. For example, for me, spending time with me shows me love. It doesn’t have to cost money, it just has to be time together...even if it’s just getting groceries. Another way is if they show they were thinking of me when they didn’t have to. Like how Daniel sends me anything he finds with purple and yellow irises on them because he knows they’re my favorite. Not that he’s buying something for me, but because he knows I love irises and when he sees them, he thinks of me. Someone telling me that I’m beautiful and trying to touch me all of the time (note: the word is ALL, because I do enjoy it some times!) doesn’t really do it for me because I don’t want to be loved for my body. And the guy who shall remain nameless (like Voldemort) only thought people loved him if they spent great deals of money on him. (BTW, he’s not one of the seven the palm reader told me about. He didn’t break my heart–he broke everything else, but by that point there was no love in my heart for him to make me cry about.) So, learning how the person you love accepts love is an important part of being in any relationship. Luckily for me, my friends like Christina, Kylie and Amy are also “time-spenders” so we get along very well in the “do my friends love me” arena of life.
Learning from my Brother My brother, Albert, makes up songs from Hymns. Two of my favorites are:
Count your blessings, one, two, now I’m done.
Count your blessings...wait! What was number one?
And:
Let us oft speak kind words to each other,
For that f’in’ s.o.b. is your brother.
Well, I’ve proved myself as Al’s sister (and as an English major) because I was walking around singing:
Oh we are as the Lord’s dictionary...
Then I stopped and said right out loud, “What did I say?” and then started laughing! Although dictionaries are useful–and Christina knows the joy I experience while just browsing through for unknown words–I doubt that it would be a useful tool to Him.
Ben’s BACK!
Ben Stellmon got home last night! He came to the house and gave me a great big hug. The sad thing is that he’s going to be moving. It’s all so sad. Especially since Ben and I became Insta-friends–seriously, there was none of that getting to know each other stuff, we were just friends! Maybe I should adopt him.
Elizabeth applies for a job
Elizabeth was filling out a questionnaire for a job application for Hastings and it was asking her questions like “Do your moods change from minute to minute?” “Do you ignore people who annoy you?” and, “Do you ever fake being polite?” And she had to answer them according to what she thought the people wanted to hear, but it was hilariously funny to listen to her laugh while she tried to answer them. Especially since Happy Bunny is Elizabeth’s hero. The quote from Happy Bunny that best describes Elizabeth’s attitude is: You can help anyone turn a frown into a smile, just rip off their head and turn it upside down.
Then Elizabeth gave us all dinosaur names. She’s badassasaurus, I’m lameassasaurus, Lucia is narcoleptisaurus, Diana is schizasaurus, and Aubrey is midgetasaurus. She hasn’t thought of a name for Trish yet, but I think she should be the teranadon...because Elizabeth said, “Yep, I’m badassasaurus, I’d say, ‘Hey you, teranadon, what you lookin’ at!’.”
Jeff’s continued quest for cremation
Jeff Beck seems to be under the impression that if he loses a limb, he will save money on his cremation. He thought that if he lost his arm, then he could save some cash. The way I figure it is if he’s dead, he won’t care how much it costs anyway. At least as far as I know, our bills don’t follow us into the next world. Death doesn’t come along with a scythe and a forwarding address label for the Post Office. “Here, just fill this out, then we’ll be on our way.”
Big Brother Really is Watching!
I’ve set my phone to ring like a regular telephone whenever Albert calls me. But, when the phone rings at 7 am, it’s always a little off-putting. I was too late to answer it, but I got the message that Al had got my message. And I had no idea I’d called him. So, I called him back and I said, “I left you a message?”
“Yea, I could hear this back ground noise and then you talking.” He told me what I’d said and I realized that the message was a recording of Christina and I wandering around Walmart. Then Al said, “Yes, I guess it’s true, Big Brother really is watching!”
What Augustus is Learning
Kylie’s little boy, Ted, is the cutest. Ok, the story; Kylie’s mom has two horses, Snickers and Augustus. Last night Kylie said, “Hey, Ted. Tell Maaike what Augustus is doing.”
“He’s in class.” said Ted.
“Really? What’s he learning?”
“He’s learning to speak...English.” Ted answered.
I looked up at Kylie and smiled. She said, “Actually, he’s being broken.” We both started laughing. I love the way Ted looks at life.
Phone calls
I’m over in the lab, using the computer, when my phone rings. I look at it and it’s Elizabeth in the fish bowl of the lab. She called me to tell me there was an emergency in the lab and I needed to come back. I tell her I’ll be there in a few minutes. Then Aubrey calls me...from the fish bowl, she’s sitting right next to Elizabeth. She said that there really is an emergency and I need to come to the office. Since it is encased in glass, I can see that the only emergency is that they’re bored enough to keep calling me on my phone. So, just like Stephen Wright’s East German Shepard, I just ignored them and kept on typing. Soon my phone rings again. It’s Aubrey. There really was an emergency. Elizabeth had Aubrey’s letter opener and was being a menace. I went back to work.
Maaike Learns the Hard Way–Again.
I was on my lunch hour and walking furiously fast trying to get to the post office and back before Andi had to leave to go to class. In front of me, there was a girl walking with long brown hair and a yellow rain jacket on. She had such an aura of sadness about her that I decided that if she looked up I would smile and say “Hi.” We got closer and closer and I could feel her sadness, but she never looked up. When she got right by me, we just passed each other and I didn’t say a thing. But when she passed I felt her sadness just tug at my heart.
She was gone and I had the impression to turn around and talk to her. But then I thought, “What am I going to say? I don’t know her.” So, I just kept walking.
Well, I’ve regretted it ever since. She was so sad. I should have said something. If I’d said “Hi” it would have forced her to look up. What if no one around that day tried to make a difference in her life? When I got home I prayed for the opportunity to meet her again, or if I couldn’t have that chance, that just someone would listen better than I did.
I should have taken the time to do my best Irish accent and say to her, “God loves ya.” a la Monica on “Touched By An Angel”. I should have told her that God is aware of her and her sadness and that He loves her. Instead I hurried to the post office.
All I got was an advertisement for Jiffy Lube.
Promise me that no matter how much of a hurry you’re in from now on, that you’ll always stop to cheer up any stranger that passes by you. I promise to do the same and never let the opportunity pass me by ever again.
I love you!
Love,
Maaike
Jade came back, Now I'm writing to Katie
Dear Katie,
Hi! How are you? How are things going with that man that you’re ignoring because that’s the rules of the game? Personally, I prefer “Settlers of Catan” where the rules are a little less vague and invariable.
One day I was walking to class and I found a fabulous stick. It was beautiful and had served its purpose well. I picked it up and walked to work with it. By the time I arrived at the Admin Building, I knew exactly what to do with it. I put it by Dr. Steckel’s door with a note that read: “Dear Dr. Steckel. This stick is for you to beat your students with when they are dumb. Love, Maaike.” Not too long after that I told Pablo about the stick and he wanted one. Eventually I found a stick that was good enough and dragged it to the third floor of the Admin building. Pablo was quite pleased and was soon using his stick to “herd” Monika down the hallways and around the office. Monika came to me asking for a stick. I found one for her that was just a tiny bit taller than she is. She put it by her desk and has since been left alone by Pablo. I have two sticks here at the apartment that I thought were fabulous and had to keep myself. Then I brought one home for Jade. Today I brought home another stick. This one is for Ben Stellmon. He wanted a stick and I’d seen this beautiful one laying on the “Hello Walk” for about five days. It’s the perfect stick for Ben. So, today I dragged it home. I was wondering how many people have seen me dragging sticks to and from the Administration Building and was curious as to if I’ve earned the name of “Crazy Stick Lady” among pedestrians and drivers of the campus.
Remember the story of the tighty-whities that I put on Jade’s monkey? Well, a couple of days after that I was getting ready for bed when I found them underneath my pillow! I folded them nicely and put them in Tennille’s drawer by her bed. She found them and laughed, and we’re all waiting to see where they’ll turn up next.
Ben Stellmon was telling us about a crazy lady in Russia that would talk in church and read letters that she got from God. “I got another letter from God today,” she’d say and read them to the congregation. Adam Stellmon said, “You only get letters? God sent me a bunt cake.” Those Stellmon brothers are a HOOT and a half. Ben is my sweetie. (Daniel’s my Squishy, Ben’s my Sweetie). But, although Ben is quite handsome I couldn’t marry him simply because of the fact that I love to sleep in PITCH BLACKNESS and he’s afraid of the dark. So, there goes another relationship.
There is someone I quite fancy. But, it seems that I’ve found more ways to piss him off than to endear him to me. I guess that’s a miss, too. I’m ever so pissed! (It must be true because I even dreamt that he told me to quit “cheesing him off”. I don’t know if it’s possible to actually “cheese” someone off, but that’s what I like to say; I guess that’s why it appeared in my dream.) I’d choose him over Angel any day (or Billy, or Vincent…etc. but don’t tell them. I know they’d be heart broken.). In fact, I had another dream in which Brad Pitt was madly in love with me, following me places, buying me fancy presents and all my girlfriends were so jealous…but I didn’t care because my heart belonged to the man I continually cheese. My Daddy told me once what my problem was. He said, “Maaike, you’re looking for someone just like me. They don’t exist. I am the only perfect man.” My Daddy’s a hoot.
Jamie Freeman used to make fun of me because I drove my car all around with the trunk filled with empty boxes. Don’t tell him, but I’m doing it again. Since my job ends in May, and my apartment lease is up in May and I don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going after that, I figured I’d need some packing boxes. Sherill’s been giving me some great ones so I just drive them around in my car.
Speaking of Sherill the funniest thing happened at work on Thursday. The satellite television wasn’t picking up anything and Joan was trying to record some French programs for her class. Sherill and Joan worked on it for a few minutes then Joan went off to see if the TV in the other room was still working. I was turning off the computers when I heard Sherill start laughing. “I just did a Fonzi” she said. I looked at her then up at the TV. It was working perfectly. “Did you hit it?” I asked. “Yep” she said, “just like Fonzi. But don’t tell Joan.” She cracks me up.
I got an email from Jeff Beck that made me giggle. I have to share it with you.
Maaike,
Yes, I think you could say that I am getting more settled into things here in Wyoming. It has been cold the past couple of weeks. It snows, but not much usually. I am going to apply for yet another faculty position at Oregon State University. I am looking forward to that. Someday I am going to land that dream job and then I will stick with it, buy my dream home, and eventually I may be cremated. I know that sounds morbid, but I do think about death from time to time and how I would like to be disposed.
Jeff
The truth is I miss Jeff. He’s such a riot. Christina, Nathan, Jeff and I all went out to Chinese once and Jeff told the funniest story about capturing squirrels here on campus. He did this “evil squirrel” impersonation that Christina and I still laugh about. Just imagine Jeff pretending to be a squirrel, holding the bars of the cage with his little squirrel hands. Now add an angry grimace and a very evil—yet entirely squirrelly—“GRRRR” sound. I miss that Jeffy!
My goal of drowning myself in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” is working, but not to the best extent. I’ve been finding myself too busy to watch it. The funniest thing happened on one episode, however; there was this vampire from the 70’s dancing all these dances that were totally dated. He started doing one called “The Sprinkler” which I first saw performed LIVE in the living room of someone I promised I wouldn’t tell that he did the dance. I started laughing SO HARD! It’s funny how the first time you experience something it’s always associated with that person forever and ever. Like sex. (Oh, can I use that word in a letter from one Mormon to another? Maybe I should spell it out so not everyone knows that I just said S-E-X.)
By the way, SEX is worth 12 points in Scrabble. And worth $1.98 from certain sorority girls—Oh! One day I was driving with Skeeter (Stephen Cleverly) and there was this girl wearing a very short skirt, some FM shoes and a shirt that was almost just a bra. I looked at her and said, “Take me home for $1.98.” To which Skeeter replied, “Hey! I’ve got three bucks!”
Pablo just walked in…and stared at the computer screen—maybe he was hoping to find his name there. Remember the Pablo-induced Drama of last year? Boy, I sure do. I promised myself that that was the LAST time I’d give my heart to a Libra (BP being the first Libra—you knew there’d have to be a mention of the Passey somewhere in my letter, right?). I’ve had a trauma or two with Cancers and Geminis and some Aries, too. I’ll soon run out of Zodiac signs and have to date men only born on other planets. But I guess if we take into consideration the variations of Western Zodiac with Chinese Zodiac I could go through a whole slew of men before I find the right combination. BUT, remember, the palm-reader said that I’d have my heart broken seven times before I find my “true” love (To BLAVE). However, she didn’t tell me that number seven was going to break my heart more than once. Does that move him up to eight and the palm reader was wrong? Or does he stick around as seven and just get a gold star in “Heart-breaking”. (Email from Kylie: You are so fabulous that one time making you cry is too many!) Hmm. Maybe I need a second palm reader’s opinion. One that doesn’t look at all the lines in my hand and say, “I think you’re schizophrenic.”
That reminds me…other planets, that is. I dreamt last night that the earth was invaded by Robot-Skeleton-Clowns. HOLY CRAP they were terrifying!! I’d joined the military to help save the earth. (In my dream I was a man, but I was still very much attracted to men, so I guess I was a gay man—thank heavens for that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy they’ve got now.) Anyway, upon the initial invasion of the earth all other military personnel were killed other than my lieutenant and me. And I was subsequently crushed by a giant falling boulder. The doctors replaced all of my bones with metal…the upside was that whenever I punched anyone it hurt them very, very much! My lieutenant and I decided to free the “nice” prisoners from jail to help us fight the Robot-Skeleton-Clowns but the guards of the prison were unwilling to let them out. So we had to fight them too. There was this one guard that was about seven feet tall. When my lieutenant walked up to him the man just towered above my normal sized lieutenant. I just looked at the other guards and said, (about the seven-foot tall guy) “He’s gonna get his ass kicked.” And my lieutenant did thoroughly kick his ass. (I’d like to quit typing “My Lieutenant” over and over, but other than his rank I have no idea who he was—he wasn’t anyone from my real life either. The only real-life participant in this particular dream was Jade who was eating a box of hard-boiled egg-yolks for the protein.) Then three football players—dressed in long white skirts—ran by trying to escape the Robot-Skeleton-Clowns. We tried to get the prisoners to enlist in helping to save the earth, but they didn’t care. In my dream I remember thinking that although my lieutenant and I were going to fight to the end; it was going to be a fruitless battle. Poor earth. (“But I am le tired!”)
Speaking of my dreams…after I did the Feng Shui thing I stopped having angry dreams. But I also stopped dreaming full-stop. I love my dreams. They’re so very entertaining. Anyway, I got a bit fed up with my art being all over the floor, and people mushing it when they’d sit in my chair to talk to me, that I put it all back under my bed. Then the dreams started again. I’m happy.
This morning I made my bed. (Doesn’t happen often at all—I learned that from my Daddy. He figured, “why make a bed, you’re going to get right back into it and then you have to untuck it all for your feet again!” He’s right.) Because I made my bed Eddie-Phil couldn’t sleep all day. I asked him what he wanted to do. He wanted Piggy to come over. So I went to Jade and asked if Piggy was free for the day. So Eddie-Phil and Piggy are sitting on my nicely made bed wearing their so cute sweaters and talking about how loving Jade and I are to them.
Last night I had a “date” with Gabe Zimmerman. It’s funny I always wondered what it would be like to be on a date with him. The reason “date” is in quotation marks is because he was supposed to be my date for dinner, but didn’t show up until everyone else had left (but Katie and Damon) no one saw that he was my date. So, I figured it’s like all the imaginary dates I’ve been on before.
Speaking of imaginary…I was talking to Randy on Tuesday evening (well, actually crying to him more than talking) and then I told him I had to go because Jade and Ben had just arrived and I’d promised Ben that I’d stay awake long enough to talk to him. Randy said, “These are real people, right?” and I said that they were. He said, “Next time have them make noises in the background so I’ll know they’re real. Actually, have them call you by name so I’ll know you’re not just standing in the mall.” What a nut. I left my room and went to the living room. Ben gave me a hug. It helped. But it still doesn’t prove to Randy that he exists. I think I’ll have to start taking pictures of these people. Maybe a picture of them with me, so that Randy doesn’t think I just took random pictures of people at the mall.
Um...I have a confession to make. Yesterday I bought a Dr. Pepper. I’m trying not to drink it because I know it’s bad for me...and one of the main contributing factor to the size of my thighs (my ass is fabulous, as we all know—I mean, I’m not called “the heart-shaped butt girl” for nothing!). But that’s not what I’m confessing. Yesterday I threw a half a bottle of Dr. Pepper into the trash at work. I was proud of myself for at least only drinking half. Well, this morning when I got to work I was feeling a bit...well, ooky. I really wanted a Dr. Pepper, but the machines only sell Pepsi products. So this morning: now here’s where the confession comes in, I took my discarded Dr. Pepper out of the garbage can and DRANK IT! I guess if I die tonight you’ll have something to tell the doctors. I guess you could also tell them that I’m a bevel short of plumb, too.
Man, this has been a boring day at work. I’ve been here for five hours and have helped three people. Oh, but I did get to take a screwdriver to the front row of desks and remove the front panel on six of them. That way, the students can’t cheat and look at each other’s papers, but I can look straight at them and know what they’re doing. EHEHEH! (Evil laugh, opposite of HEHEHE!) I also used some of the screws to fix the broken desk. I love taking things apart and putting them back together. I think I’ve missed my true calling as an auto mechanic.
Speaking of true callings…I have another strange confession to make. Luckily this one does NOT include a garbage can. You know I’ve applied for Grad school in the Dramatic Writing program. But, I’m afraid of something. All of my life I’ve been rather content seeing the different groups of people, (i.e. The Jocks, the Intelligentsia, the Goths, the Mollys, etc.) and being happily outside of them all and existing simply as Maaike, where, just like Tigger, “I’m the only one.” Anyway, my confession: I’m dreadfully afraid that hanging out with the theatre crowd I’ll find my niche! What if I’m meant to hang out with the drama crowd, coffee-sipping, black-clothes-wearing, self-expressing, emotionally-in-touch-with-ing crowd? What if I find out where I belong and start becoming the SAME. ACK! It’s one of the biggest things frightening me about going to grad school. I don’t want to fit in! Please, Mommy, don’t make me! I guess if I do start feeling like I’m fitting in I’ll just have to take to writing things on myself again to remind me that “I know something you don’t know!”
Is it wrong to wear a sports bra when one is not at that moment doing any sport? Since I need to do my laundry I had the choice this morning of wearing either a sports bra or an uncomfortable one. I chose the uncomfortable one because I thought I’d be betraying the purpose of the sports bra. So, what’s your opinion on this issue?
In my book of “2001 things to do before you die” I’m supposed to give someone a pedicure. I think I’ll cheat and give someone a foot massage. But whom? Who is 1) willing to let me touch their feet and 2) worthy to have me touch their feet? It’s almost as difficult a dilemma as the sports bra issue. I actually love giving massages…the man who eventually breaks down and earns that $20.00 from my Mom will find that he’ll get plenty of massages! I’ve always thought it would be fun when my husband got home from work to give him a few minutes to himself, then, after dinner, massage his feet while he told me about his day. Ah…that would be a wonderful moment to share with the man I love. (Ooh, I’m so mushy! A hopeless romantic (but not a Hopeless (capital H) one. I blame Jane Austen.)
Well, Katie, I’d better let you go. I hope you have a FABULOUS week.
Love,
Maaike
Hi! How are you? How are things going with that man that you’re ignoring because that’s the rules of the game? Personally, I prefer “Settlers of Catan” where the rules are a little less vague and invariable.
One day I was walking to class and I found a fabulous stick. It was beautiful and had served its purpose well. I picked it up and walked to work with it. By the time I arrived at the Admin Building, I knew exactly what to do with it. I put it by Dr. Steckel’s door with a note that read: “Dear Dr. Steckel. This stick is for you to beat your students with when they are dumb. Love, Maaike.” Not too long after that I told Pablo about the stick and he wanted one. Eventually I found a stick that was good enough and dragged it to the third floor of the Admin building. Pablo was quite pleased and was soon using his stick to “herd” Monika down the hallways and around the office. Monika came to me asking for a stick. I found one for her that was just a tiny bit taller than she is. She put it by her desk and has since been left alone by Pablo. I have two sticks here at the apartment that I thought were fabulous and had to keep myself. Then I brought one home for Jade. Today I brought home another stick. This one is for Ben Stellmon. He wanted a stick and I’d seen this beautiful one laying on the “Hello Walk” for about five days. It’s the perfect stick for Ben. So, today I dragged it home. I was wondering how many people have seen me dragging sticks to and from the Administration Building and was curious as to if I’ve earned the name of “Crazy Stick Lady” among pedestrians and drivers of the campus.
Remember the story of the tighty-whities that I put on Jade’s monkey? Well, a couple of days after that I was getting ready for bed when I found them underneath my pillow! I folded them nicely and put them in Tennille’s drawer by her bed. She found them and laughed, and we’re all waiting to see where they’ll turn up next.
Ben Stellmon was telling us about a crazy lady in Russia that would talk in church and read letters that she got from God. “I got another letter from God today,” she’d say and read them to the congregation. Adam Stellmon said, “You only get letters? God sent me a bunt cake.” Those Stellmon brothers are a HOOT and a half. Ben is my sweetie. (Daniel’s my Squishy, Ben’s my Sweetie). But, although Ben is quite handsome I couldn’t marry him simply because of the fact that I love to sleep in PITCH BLACKNESS and he’s afraid of the dark. So, there goes another relationship.
There is someone I quite fancy. But, it seems that I’ve found more ways to piss him off than to endear him to me. I guess that’s a miss, too. I’m ever so pissed! (It must be true because I even dreamt that he told me to quit “cheesing him off”. I don’t know if it’s possible to actually “cheese” someone off, but that’s what I like to say; I guess that’s why it appeared in my dream.) I’d choose him over Angel any day (or Billy, or Vincent…etc. but don’t tell them. I know they’d be heart broken.). In fact, I had another dream in which Brad Pitt was madly in love with me, following me places, buying me fancy presents and all my girlfriends were so jealous…but I didn’t care because my heart belonged to the man I continually cheese. My Daddy told me once what my problem was. He said, “Maaike, you’re looking for someone just like me. They don’t exist. I am the only perfect man.” My Daddy’s a hoot.
Jamie Freeman used to make fun of me because I drove my car all around with the trunk filled with empty boxes. Don’t tell him, but I’m doing it again. Since my job ends in May, and my apartment lease is up in May and I don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going after that, I figured I’d need some packing boxes. Sherill’s been giving me some great ones so I just drive them around in my car.
Speaking of Sherill the funniest thing happened at work on Thursday. The satellite television wasn’t picking up anything and Joan was trying to record some French programs for her class. Sherill and Joan worked on it for a few minutes then Joan went off to see if the TV in the other room was still working. I was turning off the computers when I heard Sherill start laughing. “I just did a Fonzi” she said. I looked at her then up at the TV. It was working perfectly. “Did you hit it?” I asked. “Yep” she said, “just like Fonzi. But don’t tell Joan.” She cracks me up.
I got an email from Jeff Beck that made me giggle. I have to share it with you.
Maaike,
Yes, I think you could say that I am getting more settled into things here in Wyoming. It has been cold the past couple of weeks. It snows, but not much usually. I am going to apply for yet another faculty position at Oregon State University. I am looking forward to that. Someday I am going to land that dream job and then I will stick with it, buy my dream home, and eventually I may be cremated. I know that sounds morbid, but I do think about death from time to time and how I would like to be disposed.
Jeff
The truth is I miss Jeff. He’s such a riot. Christina, Nathan, Jeff and I all went out to Chinese once and Jeff told the funniest story about capturing squirrels here on campus. He did this “evil squirrel” impersonation that Christina and I still laugh about. Just imagine Jeff pretending to be a squirrel, holding the bars of the cage with his little squirrel hands. Now add an angry grimace and a very evil—yet entirely squirrelly—“GRRRR” sound. I miss that Jeffy!
My goal of drowning myself in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” is working, but not to the best extent. I’ve been finding myself too busy to watch it. The funniest thing happened on one episode, however; there was this vampire from the 70’s dancing all these dances that were totally dated. He started doing one called “The Sprinkler” which I first saw performed LIVE in the living room of someone I promised I wouldn’t tell that he did the dance. I started laughing SO HARD! It’s funny how the first time you experience something it’s always associated with that person forever and ever. Like sex. (Oh, can I use that word in a letter from one Mormon to another? Maybe I should spell it out so not everyone knows that I just said S-E-X.)
By the way, SEX is worth 12 points in Scrabble. And worth $1.98 from certain sorority girls—Oh! One day I was driving with Skeeter (Stephen Cleverly) and there was this girl wearing a very short skirt, some FM shoes and a shirt that was almost just a bra. I looked at her and said, “Take me home for $1.98.” To which Skeeter replied, “Hey! I’ve got three bucks!”
Pablo just walked in…and stared at the computer screen—maybe he was hoping to find his name there. Remember the Pablo-induced Drama of last year? Boy, I sure do. I promised myself that that was the LAST time I’d give my heart to a Libra (BP being the first Libra—you knew there’d have to be a mention of the Passey somewhere in my letter, right?). I’ve had a trauma or two with Cancers and Geminis and some Aries, too. I’ll soon run out of Zodiac signs and have to date men only born on other planets. But I guess if we take into consideration the variations of Western Zodiac with Chinese Zodiac I could go through a whole slew of men before I find the right combination. BUT, remember, the palm-reader said that I’d have my heart broken seven times before I find my “true” love (To BLAVE). However, she didn’t tell me that number seven was going to break my heart more than once. Does that move him up to eight and the palm reader was wrong? Or does he stick around as seven and just get a gold star in “Heart-breaking”. (Email from Kylie: You are so fabulous that one time making you cry is too many!) Hmm. Maybe I need a second palm reader’s opinion. One that doesn’t look at all the lines in my hand and say, “I think you’re schizophrenic.”
That reminds me…other planets, that is. I dreamt last night that the earth was invaded by Robot-Skeleton-Clowns. HOLY CRAP they were terrifying!! I’d joined the military to help save the earth. (In my dream I was a man, but I was still very much attracted to men, so I guess I was a gay man—thank heavens for that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy they’ve got now.) Anyway, upon the initial invasion of the earth all other military personnel were killed other than my lieutenant and me. And I was subsequently crushed by a giant falling boulder. The doctors replaced all of my bones with metal…the upside was that whenever I punched anyone it hurt them very, very much! My lieutenant and I decided to free the “nice” prisoners from jail to help us fight the Robot-Skeleton-Clowns but the guards of the prison were unwilling to let them out. So we had to fight them too. There was this one guard that was about seven feet tall. When my lieutenant walked up to him the man just towered above my normal sized lieutenant. I just looked at the other guards and said, (about the seven-foot tall guy) “He’s gonna get his ass kicked.” And my lieutenant did thoroughly kick his ass. (I’d like to quit typing “My Lieutenant” over and over, but other than his rank I have no idea who he was—he wasn’t anyone from my real life either. The only real-life participant in this particular dream was Jade who was eating a box of hard-boiled egg-yolks for the protein.) Then three football players—dressed in long white skirts—ran by trying to escape the Robot-Skeleton-Clowns. We tried to get the prisoners to enlist in helping to save the earth, but they didn’t care. In my dream I remember thinking that although my lieutenant and I were going to fight to the end; it was going to be a fruitless battle. Poor earth. (“But I am le tired!”)
Speaking of my dreams…after I did the Feng Shui thing I stopped having angry dreams. But I also stopped dreaming full-stop. I love my dreams. They’re so very entertaining. Anyway, I got a bit fed up with my art being all over the floor, and people mushing it when they’d sit in my chair to talk to me, that I put it all back under my bed. Then the dreams started again. I’m happy.
This morning I made my bed. (Doesn’t happen often at all—I learned that from my Daddy. He figured, “why make a bed, you’re going to get right back into it and then you have to untuck it all for your feet again!” He’s right.) Because I made my bed Eddie-Phil couldn’t sleep all day. I asked him what he wanted to do. He wanted Piggy to come over. So I went to Jade and asked if Piggy was free for the day. So Eddie-Phil and Piggy are sitting on my nicely made bed wearing their so cute sweaters and talking about how loving Jade and I are to them.
Last night I had a “date” with Gabe Zimmerman. It’s funny I always wondered what it would be like to be on a date with him. The reason “date” is in quotation marks is because he was supposed to be my date for dinner, but didn’t show up until everyone else had left (but Katie and Damon) no one saw that he was my date. So, I figured it’s like all the imaginary dates I’ve been on before.
Speaking of imaginary…I was talking to Randy on Tuesday evening (well, actually crying to him more than talking) and then I told him I had to go because Jade and Ben had just arrived and I’d promised Ben that I’d stay awake long enough to talk to him. Randy said, “These are real people, right?” and I said that they were. He said, “Next time have them make noises in the background so I’ll know they’re real. Actually, have them call you by name so I’ll know you’re not just standing in the mall.” What a nut. I left my room and went to the living room. Ben gave me a hug. It helped. But it still doesn’t prove to Randy that he exists. I think I’ll have to start taking pictures of these people. Maybe a picture of them with me, so that Randy doesn’t think I just took random pictures of people at the mall.
Um...I have a confession to make. Yesterday I bought a Dr. Pepper. I’m trying not to drink it because I know it’s bad for me...and one of the main contributing factor to the size of my thighs (my ass is fabulous, as we all know—I mean, I’m not called “the heart-shaped butt girl” for nothing!). But that’s not what I’m confessing. Yesterday I threw a half a bottle of Dr. Pepper into the trash at work. I was proud of myself for at least only drinking half. Well, this morning when I got to work I was feeling a bit...well, ooky. I really wanted a Dr. Pepper, but the machines only sell Pepsi products. So this morning: now here’s where the confession comes in, I took my discarded Dr. Pepper out of the garbage can and DRANK IT! I guess if I die tonight you’ll have something to tell the doctors. I guess you could also tell them that I’m a bevel short of plumb, too.
Man, this has been a boring day at work. I’ve been here for five hours and have helped three people. Oh, but I did get to take a screwdriver to the front row of desks and remove the front panel on six of them. That way, the students can’t cheat and look at each other’s papers, but I can look straight at them and know what they’re doing. EHEHEH! (Evil laugh, opposite of HEHEHE!) I also used some of the screws to fix the broken desk. I love taking things apart and putting them back together. I think I’ve missed my true calling as an auto mechanic.
Speaking of true callings…I have another strange confession to make. Luckily this one does NOT include a garbage can. You know I’ve applied for Grad school in the Dramatic Writing program. But, I’m afraid of something. All of my life I’ve been rather content seeing the different groups of people, (i.e. The Jocks, the Intelligentsia, the Goths, the Mollys, etc.) and being happily outside of them all and existing simply as Maaike, where, just like Tigger, “I’m the only one.” Anyway, my confession: I’m dreadfully afraid that hanging out with the theatre crowd I’ll find my niche! What if I’m meant to hang out with the drama crowd, coffee-sipping, black-clothes-wearing, self-expressing, emotionally-in-touch-with-ing crowd? What if I find out where I belong and start becoming the SAME. ACK! It’s one of the biggest things frightening me about going to grad school. I don’t want to fit in! Please, Mommy, don’t make me! I guess if I do start feeling like I’m fitting in I’ll just have to take to writing things on myself again to remind me that “I know something you don’t know!”
Is it wrong to wear a sports bra when one is not at that moment doing any sport? Since I need to do my laundry I had the choice this morning of wearing either a sports bra or an uncomfortable one. I chose the uncomfortable one because I thought I’d be betraying the purpose of the sports bra. So, what’s your opinion on this issue?
In my book of “2001 things to do before you die” I’m supposed to give someone a pedicure. I think I’ll cheat and give someone a foot massage. But whom? Who is 1) willing to let me touch their feet and 2) worthy to have me touch their feet? It’s almost as difficult a dilemma as the sports bra issue. I actually love giving massages…the man who eventually breaks down and earns that $20.00 from my Mom will find that he’ll get plenty of massages! I’ve always thought it would be fun when my husband got home from work to give him a few minutes to himself, then, after dinner, massage his feet while he told me about his day. Ah…that would be a wonderful moment to share with the man I love. (Ooh, I’m so mushy! A hopeless romantic (but not a Hopeless (capital H) one. I blame Jane Austen.)
Well, Katie, I’d better let you go. I hope you have a FABULOUS week.
Love,
Maaike
Monday, May 15, 2006
Dear Jade--April 1, 2004
Dear Jade, April 1, 2004
Hi! How are you? I hope things are GREAT and that you’re still dancing! I loved the photos of you dancing. It cracked me up, you are a funny girl. I’m making a little story about some pink slippers my sister sent me…I’ll send you picture then. Although I’m going to have to doctor mine up. I’m a lot thinner in my mind than I am in reality. It’s kind of a strange form of reverse low self-esteem. I only feel bad about how I look when confronted with photos of myself. In the mirror I’m FINE. In my head, I’m FINE. In pictures I’m a cow! Go figure.
I had a FABULOUS time in England! Daniel is still as gorgeous as ever. He always makes me feel good about myself, makes me feel beautiful, and important. What a wonderful thing to have in a friend. I’m making my travel log right now, typing things up. I’ll give you some highlights:
Hadrian’s Wall
Our adventure began with seeing a sign that said “Hadrian’s Wall”. Well, that’s a bit of history worth seeing. So we followed the sign. We followed it. And followed it. And followed it some more. Suddenly Daniel shouted, “Where’s Hadrian’s bloody wall?” We finally found a parking lot that had a sing about Hadrian’s Wall. We pulled over and I took a picture of the wall that was there. It might have been Hadrian’s but more than likely it was Farmer Joe’s Wall. There were some wooly sheep that I decided to take a picture of, but as I approached them, Daniel honked the horn of the car and they all ran away. As punishment for chasing off the sheep, I took a picture of Daniel sitting in the little car eating a banana.
Trapped By Poo
Our next adventure in Scotland featured beautiful fields and a tractor spreading poo. We could smell it and we discussed the fact that the farmer was spreading poo on his fields. Suddenly the smell because overwhelming. We were suffocating. But the problem was that since we were in Darren’s car, neither of us knew how to roll down the windows! We were looking all over the doors, the panel, everywhere! There was NOTHING! The smell was getting more and more invasive…we could almost taste it. We were trapped by poo! What a way to die, eh? Finally Daniel found the switches to roll the windows down…on the middle of the dash, where the radio was. WHO puts the window roller-downy things on the dash? Really! What a strange headline that would have been: Death by poo inhalation.
Real Italians
When we arrived in Edinburgh, we drove around and around trying to find a Bed and Breakfast. Finally we found one with a parking spot right in front. It was perfect. There was a double bed and a single. Daniel gave me the double—because I am Queen of the Universe. We looked around town for a bit and then decided that we would see a movie. We walked to the theater, got our tickets and then searched for a place to eat. We settled on an Italian restaurant. Unlike the Italian restaurants at home, this one was run by real Italians. The food was fabulous—and the cook was GORGEOUS! (I had a clear view.)
Anyway, those are some of my adventures from the first couple of days. As I said, I’m working on my travel log! BUT, the best part of the WHOLE thing was just seeing Daniel again. I love him so much.
A Story About Pants
You have stories about Dance. I have stories about pants. (In England, this would have to be a story about trousers because pants are underwear. But trousers doesn’t rhyme with dance and would thus negate my fabulous start to this paragraph.) Anyway, here goes, a story about pants.
My favorite Spaniard–whom I’ve taken to calling The Stupid Spanish Wanker because he didn’t choose me–doesn’t teach Spanish on Thursdays. Today (Thursday) I saw him working on some stuff for his class this summer. But that’s irrelevant, other than to know that Thursdays are his day off. The point is that he was wearing the most unfortunate pants. They were very eighties inspired. Jeans with knee patches (like the elbow patches on a suit coat), and blue and white CHECKERED! Yes, that’s right, CHECKERED jeans. Who would really wear those? And he was wearing them with a green shirt with the face of a wolf on it, and a blue cardigan. Now, don’t get me wrong, I for one LOVE it when people wear different things to express themselves through their clothing. BUT when the wearer of the clothes is The Stupid Spanish Wanker, it’s just better for me to laugh. And believe me, these jeans are worth laughing.
More about Pants (A story told in parentheses)
I was telling Jose (Junior) that I can’t find pants (trousers) that fit (really, I can’t–it’s IMPOSSIBLE to find women’s pants (trousers) with a 36 inch inseam! I have a yard of inseam–Now those are legs!) Why I was telling a married man (Jose (Junior)) about my shopping problems I couldn’t tell you–let’s just say it was Checkered-Jeans-Inspired madness. Anyway, I lent Jose (Junior) my pocket knife (to open the plastic wrap from a cassette tape). (My pocket knife is this little purple, flowery, miniature pocket knife my Mommy gave me for Christmas to put on my key ring (that I left at Erin’s house while I traveled so it wouldn’t b e confiscated at the airports!)). So, Jose (Junior) had my keys. I told him that he could steal my car (AJ), break into my house (apartment) and steal all of my mail. He said that instead he’d break into my house and steal my pants (trousers). ACK! I told him I couldn’t live my life with only skirts (especially if forced to wear nylons with them–sorry, shouldn’t rub it in, should I, Jade?). So, as a compromise he said he’s leave my sweats. I don’t own any sweats, so I’m hoping that he’ll leave me my SpongeBob Squarepants (Squaretrousers) pajamas instead.
More about Jose
Jose works at the language lab with me. He has a brother who also works there...who is also named Jose. (Do you remember Larry, Darryl and Darryl?) Anyway, to avoid the confusion I asked Joel how to keep them separate. It turns out that he had it figured out. Jose is younger than Jose, so they call him Junior. Ok, that’s solved. The other Jose is called Nemo. Why?–because, as Joel explains it, he’s always LOST! He’s always asking Joel to explain things to him. Isn’t that hilarious?! So, now it’s junior and Nemo. And we all know who’s who.
More About Joel
Joel is very handsome, very good looking. He has a girlfriend called Monica. (Men are like parking spaces, the good ones are taking and the rest are handicapped.) Anyway, his whole name is Joel Agustine Gongora. Isn’t that beautiful? I love the name Agustine! So, not only is he handsome, smart and funny, but he also has an AMAZING name. What a poop.
My Computer is Possessed
My computer, when I log off of MSN, instead of saying “Goodbye” says something like, “Gooooddddbbbyyyyyeeeee!!” and it kind of creeps me out. My computer is also under the impression that its name is Billy. (I had named it Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuffs, but when Ryan repaired it, he convinced my computer that it is called Billy). Yes, of course after Billy Boyd. BUT what if I do meet him, and he falls madly in love with me, we get married, live happily ever after AND then he finds out my computer is called BILLY? Would he be worried? I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it! (Which we all know is inevitable!)
Brian Passey Back in the news
Well, guess who’s made it back into my letters. Yes, BP. I think the whole Pablo obsession kind of kicked him into the peripheral, but he’s back. He and a-certain-person-I’m-not-sure-I-have-the-authority-to-mention-at-this-point-although-they-were-seen-in-public-holding-hands, were HOLDING HANDS!
Amy and the Gift of Billy
I just got the mail and there was a package from my friend, Amy Staiger. She sent me a “Merry & Pippin” bookmark. Pippin is looking very cute...and “Return of the King” comes out on DVD in May. “Master and Commander” on April 20th (and although Billy spent a great deal of his screen time behind Russell Crowe’s hat, he’s still in it and I can still look at him). So, maybe there’ll be enough of Billy around to keep me going.
Amy also sent me marshmallow Peeps so that means as soon ast he sugar starts flowing through my veins I won’t give two licks to who’s dating whom. (Although if Billy were here I’d give him two licks...but that’s a story for another day...and a person with as warped a mind as me...who isn’t a missionary. Oh Christina...Ryan...Joe...where are you?)
The Result of 5 Marshmallow Peeps on an empty stomach
WEEE HEE HEE HEE!! WHEEE! AHAHAHAHAH!!!
Coming Down from the Sugar High
Hi Jade, it’s me again. It’s actually the third of April. Not the first as I wrote on the top. It does take me a bit to get my letters completely written. I am slowly returning to orbit from my marshmallow Peeps induced high. I think eating tatter-tots is the secret to sugar absorption. What a silly word: tatter-tot.
some silly words to end this letter with
Monkey, Tatter-tot. Ill Gotten Booty–Ill Booten Gotty. Puddin’ (with an apostrophe because pudding is not as funny as puddin’) as in: Help, Puddin’! Puddin’ emergency!!
Some things someone really said
“Everyone loves mass-produced cream-filled pastries!” Doug Otto
“You’d think that staying up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons with a guy who smells like salami would make you hungry...but it doesn’t.” Stephen Cleverley
“It’s hard to take people seriously when they’re glowing.” Audra Mickulin
“It’s hard to be reverent when you’re lost.” Jamie Freeman
“You know what I don’t like: underwear.” Brian Passey
“I have a high tolerance of hypocracy in myself.” Emiline Hogg
“Corn tortillas are yummy, but love lasts forever.” Mandy Martineau (Making up her own saying).
“I don’t want to turn into a sucking void of “give-me’s”.” Christina Curtis
“No tank can out-do five heavily-armed Red necks in an El Camino.” Randy Davidson
Love,
Maaike
Hi! How are you? I hope things are GREAT and that you’re still dancing! I loved the photos of you dancing. It cracked me up, you are a funny girl. I’m making a little story about some pink slippers my sister sent me…I’ll send you picture then. Although I’m going to have to doctor mine up. I’m a lot thinner in my mind than I am in reality. It’s kind of a strange form of reverse low self-esteem. I only feel bad about how I look when confronted with photos of myself. In the mirror I’m FINE. In my head, I’m FINE. In pictures I’m a cow! Go figure.
I had a FABULOUS time in England! Daniel is still as gorgeous as ever. He always makes me feel good about myself, makes me feel beautiful, and important. What a wonderful thing to have in a friend. I’m making my travel log right now, typing things up. I’ll give you some highlights:
Hadrian’s Wall
Our adventure began with seeing a sign that said “Hadrian’s Wall”. Well, that’s a bit of history worth seeing. So we followed the sign. We followed it. And followed it. And followed it some more. Suddenly Daniel shouted, “Where’s Hadrian’s bloody wall?” We finally found a parking lot that had a sing about Hadrian’s Wall. We pulled over and I took a picture of the wall that was there. It might have been Hadrian’s but more than likely it was Farmer Joe’s Wall. There were some wooly sheep that I decided to take a picture of, but as I approached them, Daniel honked the horn of the car and they all ran away. As punishment for chasing off the sheep, I took a picture of Daniel sitting in the little car eating a banana.
Trapped By Poo
Our next adventure in Scotland featured beautiful fields and a tractor spreading poo. We could smell it and we discussed the fact that the farmer was spreading poo on his fields. Suddenly the smell because overwhelming. We were suffocating. But the problem was that since we were in Darren’s car, neither of us knew how to roll down the windows! We were looking all over the doors, the panel, everywhere! There was NOTHING! The smell was getting more and more invasive…we could almost taste it. We were trapped by poo! What a way to die, eh? Finally Daniel found the switches to roll the windows down…on the middle of the dash, where the radio was. WHO puts the window roller-downy things on the dash? Really! What a strange headline that would have been: Death by poo inhalation.
Real Italians
When we arrived in Edinburgh, we drove around and around trying to find a Bed and Breakfast. Finally we found one with a parking spot right in front. It was perfect. There was a double bed and a single. Daniel gave me the double—because I am Queen of the Universe. We looked around town for a bit and then decided that we would see a movie. We walked to the theater, got our tickets and then searched for a place to eat. We settled on an Italian restaurant. Unlike the Italian restaurants at home, this one was run by real Italians. The food was fabulous—and the cook was GORGEOUS! (I had a clear view.)
Anyway, those are some of my adventures from the first couple of days. As I said, I’m working on my travel log! BUT, the best part of the WHOLE thing was just seeing Daniel again. I love him so much.
A Story About Pants
You have stories about Dance. I have stories about pants. (In England, this would have to be a story about trousers because pants are underwear. But trousers doesn’t rhyme with dance and would thus negate my fabulous start to this paragraph.) Anyway, here goes, a story about pants.
My favorite Spaniard–whom I’ve taken to calling The Stupid Spanish Wanker because he didn’t choose me–doesn’t teach Spanish on Thursdays. Today (Thursday) I saw him working on some stuff for his class this summer. But that’s irrelevant, other than to know that Thursdays are his day off. The point is that he was wearing the most unfortunate pants. They were very eighties inspired. Jeans with knee patches (like the elbow patches on a suit coat), and blue and white CHECKERED! Yes, that’s right, CHECKERED jeans. Who would really wear those? And he was wearing them with a green shirt with the face of a wolf on it, and a blue cardigan. Now, don’t get me wrong, I for one LOVE it when people wear different things to express themselves through their clothing. BUT when the wearer of the clothes is The Stupid Spanish Wanker, it’s just better for me to laugh. And believe me, these jeans are worth laughing.
More about Pants (A story told in parentheses)
I was telling Jose (Junior) that I can’t find pants (trousers) that fit (really, I can’t–it’s IMPOSSIBLE to find women’s pants (trousers) with a 36 inch inseam! I have a yard of inseam–Now those are legs!) Why I was telling a married man (Jose (Junior)) about my shopping problems I couldn’t tell you–let’s just say it was Checkered-Jeans-Inspired madness. Anyway, I lent Jose (Junior) my pocket knife (to open the plastic wrap from a cassette tape). (My pocket knife is this little purple, flowery, miniature pocket knife my Mommy gave me for Christmas to put on my key ring (that I left at Erin’s house while I traveled so it wouldn’t b e confiscated at the airports!)). So, Jose (Junior) had my keys. I told him that he could steal my car (AJ), break into my house (apartment) and steal all of my mail. He said that instead he’d break into my house and steal my pants (trousers). ACK! I told him I couldn’t live my life with only skirts (especially if forced to wear nylons with them–sorry, shouldn’t rub it in, should I, Jade?). So, as a compromise he said he’s leave my sweats. I don’t own any sweats, so I’m hoping that he’ll leave me my SpongeBob Squarepants (Squaretrousers) pajamas instead.
More about Jose
Jose works at the language lab with me. He has a brother who also works there...who is also named Jose. (Do you remember Larry, Darryl and Darryl?) Anyway, to avoid the confusion I asked Joel how to keep them separate. It turns out that he had it figured out. Jose is younger than Jose, so they call him Junior. Ok, that’s solved. The other Jose is called Nemo. Why?–because, as Joel explains it, he’s always LOST! He’s always asking Joel to explain things to him. Isn’t that hilarious?! So, now it’s junior and Nemo. And we all know who’s who.
More About Joel
Joel is very handsome, very good looking. He has a girlfriend called Monica. (Men are like parking spaces, the good ones are taking and the rest are handicapped.) Anyway, his whole name is Joel Agustine Gongora. Isn’t that beautiful? I love the name Agustine! So, not only is he handsome, smart and funny, but he also has an AMAZING name. What a poop.
My Computer is Possessed
My computer, when I log off of MSN, instead of saying “Goodbye” says something like, “Gooooddddbbbyyyyyeeeee!!” and it kind of creeps me out. My computer is also under the impression that its name is Billy. (I had named it Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuffs, but when Ryan repaired it, he convinced my computer that it is called Billy). Yes, of course after Billy Boyd. BUT what if I do meet him, and he falls madly in love with me, we get married, live happily ever after AND then he finds out my computer is called BILLY? Would he be worried? I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it! (Which we all know is inevitable!)
Brian Passey Back in the news
Well, guess who’s made it back into my letters. Yes, BP. I think the whole Pablo obsession kind of kicked him into the peripheral, but he’s back. He and a-certain-person-I’m-not-sure-I-have-the-authority-to-mention-at-this-point-although-they-were-seen-in-public-holding-hands, were HOLDING HANDS!
Amy and the Gift of Billy
I just got the mail and there was a package from my friend, Amy Staiger. She sent me a “Merry & Pippin” bookmark. Pippin is looking very cute...and “Return of the King” comes out on DVD in May. “Master and Commander” on April 20th (and although Billy spent a great deal of his screen time behind Russell Crowe’s hat, he’s still in it and I can still look at him). So, maybe there’ll be enough of Billy around to keep me going.
Amy also sent me marshmallow Peeps so that means as soon ast he sugar starts flowing through my veins I won’t give two licks to who’s dating whom. (Although if Billy were here I’d give him two licks...but that’s a story for another day...and a person with as warped a mind as me...who isn’t a missionary. Oh Christina...Ryan...Joe...where are you?)
The Result of 5 Marshmallow Peeps on an empty stomach
WEEE HEE HEE HEE!! WHEEE! AHAHAHAHAH!!!
Coming Down from the Sugar High
Hi Jade, it’s me again. It’s actually the third of April. Not the first as I wrote on the top. It does take me a bit to get my letters completely written. I am slowly returning to orbit from my marshmallow Peeps induced high. I think eating tatter-tots is the secret to sugar absorption. What a silly word: tatter-tot.
some silly words to end this letter with
Monkey, Tatter-tot. Ill Gotten Booty–Ill Booten Gotty. Puddin’ (with an apostrophe because pudding is not as funny as puddin’) as in: Help, Puddin’! Puddin’ emergency!!
Some things someone really said
“Everyone loves mass-produced cream-filled pastries!” Doug Otto
“You’d think that staying up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons with a guy who smells like salami would make you hungry...but it doesn’t.” Stephen Cleverley
“It’s hard to take people seriously when they’re glowing.” Audra Mickulin
“It’s hard to be reverent when you’re lost.” Jamie Freeman
“You know what I don’t like: underwear.” Brian Passey
“I have a high tolerance of hypocracy in myself.” Emiline Hogg
“Corn tortillas are yummy, but love lasts forever.” Mandy Martineau (Making up her own saying).
“I don’t want to turn into a sucking void of “give-me’s”.” Christina Curtis
“No tank can out-do five heavily-armed Red necks in an El Camino.” Randy Davidson
Love,
Maaike
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