Ok...so it's been FOREVER since I've posted in my blog.  My friend, Tim, has begun a new blog and has inspired me to get back to my writing.  I have to start by sharing something I wanted Tim to see.  I'll post it here so the rest of you can enjoy it as well.

Robot Chicken's "Lil' Hitler"  Sums it all up in 45 seconds.

...here's the link to Tim's blog:  http://divorcedmormonfootballcoach.blogspot.com/

The Guy That Wasn't Dan

Dan Murphy has been one of the best friends I've ever had. That's why I miss him now that he's in Illinois.

I guess I didn't realize how much I missed him until today. I was leaving work and going down the hallway of the Administration Building on campus. When I looked up there was DAN!

OK, it wasn't Dan. It was a guy built like Dan with his hair cut really short, wearing glasses and carrying a skateboard.

My heart actually skipped with joy and I wanted to shout "Dan!" and give him a big hug. Instead, I realized it wasn't Dan and I just smiled and walked on my way.

I miss you, Dan. I am really looking forward to seeing you this Winter!

Why I Cried in "Sucker Punch"

So…I finally got to see “Sucker Punch” and it made me cry.

Now, you have to understand that I rarely cry about ANYTHING. Sure, movies like “Life is Beautiful” and “Everything is Illuminated” are supposed to make people cry, and I did, but there are numerous times in life that I could have cried over something real or otherwise, but I just don’t cry. Not that I’m callous, I feel things very deeply, I’m just not always good at showing on my face what I feel inside. My brother once said that if someone showed up at my door and offered me a million dollars I’d simply smile and say thanks. While this is an exaggeration, I just try not to let things get to me. (There was a guy in the theatre department who always tried to get me to be embarrassed and it never worked. One day he said, to me, “Would you like to see my penis?” and I just said, “Not right now…maybe later.” He started laughing and said, “I just can’t get to you, can I?”) I believe the reason I am like this comes from when I was little…probably 12ish…I got really mad at my little brother for not helping me with something and the anger I expressed was terrifying to me. I decided at that time that I would NEVER be that kind of person. I feel things very deeply, like I said, but I never want to lose control so I hold on. Anyway, I do express what I feel, it’s just that I’ve learned to control what are usually considered “negative” emotions.

Back to the movie...the entire time I was watching the movie I was wishing that I were petite like the girls in the show. I hate being big…not only tall (basically 6’) but on the big size of things. (Even when I’m the right weight for my body type and height I still weigh 185 lbs—and that’s the weight I’m supposed to be!) I wished throughout the movie that I were 5’5” and 120 lbs and never more. The movie was great with strong women being heroes and taking on all kinds of bad guys. I sat there the entire time wishing I were someone other than me. The movie was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it. When it ended, its final lines were:

“Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!”

I started crying right there. There are so many things I want to do with my life…so many good things I know I can do…but I’m afraid! How can I possibly take on the world (or even just my part of it)? Who am I that anyone would listen to me? How can I have faith in me when it feels like no one else does? Basically I was crying because of the contradiction I am: I want to do more but I am afraid to try! The light of the world was speaking to me through that movie telling me that I have the weapons I need…I just need to start the fight.

That’s why I cried at “Sucker Punch.”

Cheap Flights (Feck!)

Mad World-Gary Jules

Annie Lennox "No More I Love You's

They Looked Like Strong Hands

Before going to bed I watched the movie “Pandorum” which wasn’t the most exciting movie but it had a strange effect on my dreams.

I dreamed that I had no hair, pale white skin, and odd lumpy growths all over. (If you watch “Pandorum,” you’ll know why this was in my dream—the rest of my dream is not sci-fi related.) I was trying to save other people who looked like me who were being hunted down and put into camps because we weren’t normal.

In my dream, David Boreanaz (who has become the one who always “rescues” me in dreams like this) was there and he was helping me.

Now, the important part: He was in love with me. Totally in love with everything I was. He didn’t care what I looked like because he loved all the REAL parts of me—the parts I want to be loved for.

I woke up feeling loved for the right reasons. If I could find someone who wants me to be around every day in his future because he can’t imagine a future without me, I would be so happy. I am NOT interested in being loved for what I look like. The truth is, if a guy mentions anything about wanting to be “physical” with me in anyway, I don’t want to date him.

That’s three dreams now in which David Boreanaz has loved me completely because of everything I am and nothing at all because what I look like. My hotness is just a bonus to him.

Does God Exist?

Life should have more FUN

Inflitrating the Davidson Culture

To study a culture it is best to blend in. This way you can move about practically unnoticed to conduct your study. When studying the Davidson family here are some things to bring to the table:

Watch these movies:

“The Burbs” starring Tom Hanks

• • “Yo! Rumsfield!”
• • “About a 9 on the tension scale there, Rube.”
• • “You’ve had that in your trousers all day?!”

“The Fifth Element” starring Bruce Willis:

• • “She knows it’s a multipass!”
• • “Chicken, good!”
• • “Nice hat.” Corbin. “Ya like it!” Robber.
• • “Itsa itsa itsa…”

Also, “The Fiddler on the Roof” the original Star Wars Trilogy, Star Trek (old, new, and movies). For the next generation of Davidson’s, you’ll also want to include “Napoleon Dynamite” and “Nacho Libre”

Watch these TV shows:

“Are You Being Served?” It’s important to know what to do when “A glass of water for Mr. Granger!” is shouted from the living room. Also of note are the frequent mentions of Mrs. Slocombe’s pussy.

“Keeping up Appearances”

• • “Here I sit, completely surrounded by no beer!”

“All in the Family”

• • “But Edith, we ain’t the McNabbs!”
• • “I got some of the same blood in me as Katherine Hepburn!”

“M*A*S*H” (Oh so many from M*A*S*H—quoted more often in our household than any of the quotes that Shakespeare has made common in daily communication.)

• • “But to cut off a man’s legs and steal his drawers!”
• • “You tell ‘im, Ferret face!”
• • “Hey, up close you’re a guy.” Flagg. “Far away, too.” Klinger.
• • “I wouldn’t marry you for five dollars.”

Family Nicknames

• Sherri –Big Shorty
• Marina—Nunu, Murt
• Albert—Howie
• Jeff—
• Chris—Twid
• Maaike— Moat, Major Iceborg
• Brian—brain, Onslo
• Randy—Roy, Willard

These are just a few of the things you’ll need to know before entering the group. So far I have been most impressed by how Michelle infiltrated the group. Not always knowing the movie references she would randomly throw in some of her own. Confusing the Davidsons for a moment but they were quick to accept her as one of their own.

Please feel free to ask questions during your infiltration process. The Davidsons are quite open-minded to accepting new people and are fairly non-lethal unless provoked to stand up for one of their own.

Silent Monks Singing Halleluia

Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander

Sometimes my head gets too full of stuff. Sometimes I think the only way to get it out is to scream or cry or else I'll just go crazy because I can't get the stuff out of my head.

I wait to be rescued but no one comes. No one comes because they don't know I need to be rescued or they don't believe in rescuing the "big" girl. I search for outlets for my brain crowd but no one is available because of their own crowd.

Sometimes I want to scream until someone comes and locks me up. Feeds me jell-o. Gives me crayons and tells me to draw what's frightening me.

Sometimes I want to cry to see if someone, anyone, will come wrap his arms around me and tell me that he is there for me, no matter what.

If I told you I was in pain, would you come to me? Would you have time for me? Sometimes I'd like to find out just who would come to my rescue. But most of the time I just go to sleep...everything will be better in the morning.

Love & Mathematics

Last night I had two dreams. In the first one I was loved by a king. The king was kind and good to his people and everyone loved him and all the girls wanted to be with him, but he loved me, and was in love with me, and liked everything about me.

In my second dream I was loved by a criminal. Everyone despised him and thought he should be behind bars. But he loved me, and was in love with me, and liked everything about me.

While the King and the Criminal were wildly different in nature the love I felt from both of them was exactly the same. The king loved me. The criminal loved me. I was safe inside of both of their arms and felt their love for me and didn’t doubt it.

Granted…it may have helped that both the King and the Criminal were played by Henry Ian Cusick.

Something to be Scared of...

Life: I want to live you.

I’ve never been very good at slant rhyme and that seems to be the secret to writing song lyrics. As I listen to songs I can hear them but when I sit here and try to make them up myself I cannot hear it and I cannot create it. I wish I could create.

Life: You scare me.

It’s like singing anyway…my voice is in the alto range but I can’t just hear it unless someone else is also singing alto and sitting near enough to me for me to follow their lead. I cannot sing unless someone shows me the way. I wish I could lead.

Life: Are you my friend?

These small things in life—hearing a note, finding a rhyme—mean nothing to so many people. Why do I worry about them? For the same reason I worry about so many other little things: No one to help with the big things.

(Scared Teddy by droool)

Join me in welcoming the girls!!

Running on the wheel are Melora and Zoe. They are the dwarf hamsters I just got. Now, behind them you can seen one glowing eye of Queen Schmooquan as she watches them run in their wheel. When I first brought them home she watched the for an hour and a half. I'd never seen her concentrate on anything for that long. It was a riot!

Now the girls are up on a high shelf where the kitty can only watch them from afar. They wake up at night so kitty is quite entertained.

However, the wheel was very squeaky and was keeping me awake, so I fixed it with some WD40. No more squeak.

We four girls are all very happy together.

WWII in a nutshell...

How To Disappear Completely

Eva didn’t know how it happened. Actually, she did.

“The secret to survival is to keep denying that you feel it. Deny that you would like to love him. Deny that you would like to be loved by him.” That is how Eva had survived this long.

She found that building defenses was actually easier than she thought. First of all, she found her center—this is what she wanted to guard—she put it in the center of her defenses so that it would be extraordinarily difficult to get to. Once the center was labeled, she started building from there.

She covered her heart with years of self doubt, and low self-esteem. Next she layered it with the insults and rude comments she had been subjected to over her life. Then, subsequent layers were made, in a papier mâché fashion of all the heartbreaks she’d ever experienced…real ones, imaginary ones, and all the unrequited ones that she cried for even if the tears meant nothing to the other party. She even added the ones where the person didn’t even know she existed.

Eva finally achieved what she had hoped for…she was impenetrable. She felt like a superhero. Faced with any opposition, she would rise above it.

And that’s when it happened.

After seeing him around several times, she had a dream that he loved her. And she was so happy. In the morning she thought about him, in the afternoon she told herself to give up, and in the evening she had hope again.

How was she supposed to keep him from coming in when her center was trying to push out toward him? She started to hate herself for her weakness. She tried to find help, but no one understood the lengths Eva had gone to just to build her defenses.

She knew what was coming up…the hopes, the dreams, and then the crash and tears.

Eva didn’t know how it happened. Actually, she did.