Friday, April 02, 2010

How To Disappear Completely

Eva didn’t know how it happened. Actually, she did.

“The secret to survival is to keep denying that you feel it. Deny that you would like to love him. Deny that you would like to be loved by him.” That is how Eva had survived this long.

She found that building defenses was actually easier than she thought. First of all, she found her center—this is what she wanted to guard—she put it in the center of her defenses so that it would be extraordinarily difficult to get to. Once the center was labeled, she started building from there.

She covered her heart with years of self doubt, and low self-esteem. Next she layered it with the insults and rude comments she had been subjected to over her life. Then, subsequent layers were made, in a papier mâché fashion of all the heartbreaks she’d ever experienced…real ones, imaginary ones, and all the unrequited ones that she cried for even if the tears meant nothing to the other party. She even added the ones where the person didn’t even know she existed.

Eva finally achieved what she had hoped for…she was impenetrable. She felt like a superhero. Faced with any opposition, she would rise above it.

And that’s when it happened.

After seeing him around several times, she had a dream that he loved her. And she was so happy. In the morning she thought about him, in the afternoon she told herself to give up, and in the evening she had hope again.

How was she supposed to keep him from coming in when her center was trying to push out toward him? She started to hate herself for her weakness. She tried to find help, but no one understood the lengths Eva had gone to just to build her defenses.

She knew what was coming up…the hopes, the dreams, and then the crash and tears.

Eva didn’t know how it happened. Actually, she did.

1 comment:

Morgan said...

This kind of makes me sad. I guess I can just relate all too well.