Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander

Sometimes my head gets too full of stuff. Sometimes I think the only way to get it out is to scream or cry or else I'll just go crazy because I can't get the stuff out of my head.

I wait to be rescued but no one comes. No one comes because they don't know I need to be rescued or they don't believe in rescuing the "big" girl. I search for outlets for my brain crowd but no one is available because of their own crowd.

Sometimes I want to scream until someone comes and locks me up. Feeds me jell-o. Gives me crayons and tells me to draw what's frightening me.

Sometimes I want to cry to see if someone, anyone, will come wrap his arms around me and tell me that he is there for me, no matter what.

If I told you I was in pain, would you come to me? Would you have time for me? Sometimes I'd like to find out just who would come to my rescue. But most of the time I just go to sleep...everything will be better in the morning.


Missy G said...

I wish I could come to you, but it's probably too far at the moment. But you can pray! I don't know how often you read my blog, but right before our 2nd was born, I was miserable all day and having a hard time even smiling...too much pain, stress, hormones, and other stuff. I prayed and for the first time actually let go of my problems and quit trying to fix it myself. Totally worked. One of my friends commented that she thought someone must have died, and then my post the next day was so completely opposite she couldn't believe I had turned around so fast.

But it wasn't me. I couldn't have done it alone. It's tough to want a physical hug so bad and not get one - I know. But a prayer can have the same effect. Or is it affect? I never know.

Phillippians 4:13

juniperbug said...

No offense, but what if you're wrong, Missy G.? What if there really is no way to fix this?

Mrs. S said...

I learned in my time that maybe the only fix is the atonement. Maybe prayers don't fix it, maybe drugs don't fix it, maybe we all were born with really hard things we were supposed to live through, and maybe we chose before this life to come to this life and have these struggles because we didn't want someone else to have to hurt so we chose to take it instead. But I do know that the atonement will fix it. That at the resurrection we will have perfect whole minds, and that day will be a glorious day and we will know why we fought so hard and why it was all be worth it.

And yeah, I know what I am talking about. I live in a broken mind too.

Kylie said...

I am always here. You call and I'll come. Might lock us out of the house, but I would jump off the porch for you. Any day. Know I'm bad about keeping in touch and have been halla busy, but that doesn't lessen my love for you. It's pretty danged big.