Friday, May 16, 2008
All That's Feminine About Me
I was thinking the other day about dressing up. Not in a costume, but in nice girl clothes more appropriate to my age.
But you see, there's a problem. I'm nearly six foot tall. Girl clothes are designed for women who are much shorter than that. When I dress up I feel like a man in drag. (Thus explaining the "Priscilla Queen of the Desert" photo.) My shoulders are broad, not narrow. My hips are boys hips and I walk like my brothers.
I do have a pretty smile and girly hands, but other than that I feel that nothing about me is feminine. I had to ask a friend--when I was 22 years old--how to put make up on because I didn't know how to. I don't know how to walk in girl shoes, besides, I have so many problems with my feet that I have to wear inserts in my shoes. I keep hoping that someone will look past my inability to be feminine and love me anyway.
Kelly Q. wants me to write from my fears. Okay. Here is my greatest fear: I am afraid I am going to spend my life alone.
I can't figure out what's wrong with me. I have a lot of friends that are guys, but they don't want to date me. They love me. They want me to be around. But something is wrong with me that makes them never want to get closer.
I have tried to be feminine. I have been thin with long hair (which is what men are supposed to like, right?) but I don't want to be looked at as a sexual object. I really don't. I want to be LOVED. I want to spend my life with someone who is interesting and exciting even after I've known him for sixty years.
I have tried to ask what's wrong with me, but NO ONE will tell me. How can I fix it if no one will tell me what I'm doing wrong.
I don't want to spend my life alone, I really don't. But what can I expect if I look like a man in drag?