2 1/2 Weeks To Go

Four shows to find props for. My own show in rehearsals. Work at the language lab. Peer Mentor for Sally's class. Teach Comm 101: Intro to speech. Taking thirteen credits--keep up with all the homework, the writing, the reading. Trying to earn my MFA in May. Coordinating a series of focus groups for the College of Letters Arts & Social Sciences. Teach Sunday School in church. Bake a pie and barter for a guitar amp. Be cheerful. Conquer personal demons. Try to eat healthy food. Keep track of my Mommy. Papers due. Now it's snowing.

Peel off the layers. See who's beneath. Peel away enough layers and you'll find me invisible.

If you find me at all.

Everyone Has Advice. No One Has Time.

Hello Blog Readers:

If you know someone who suffers from any form of depression I'd like to offer some advice in dealing with them.

Yes, advice. Probably the last thing someone with depression wants. Most of the time, we've heard it ALL before. Don't tell us what makes you "happy" because we're not unhappy. Don't tell us what you like to do to "perk yourself up" we don't need perking up. Do not offer advice.

Please, please give us your time. If the person you are trying to help has not seen a doctor for his/her depression take the time to GO WITH THEM. Help them. It's hard to get yourself up from your depression enough to talk to a doctor. Hold our hands and get us there. If they are on medication talk with them to make sure they're on a good dosage. If you notice that they are still struggling offer to go with them again. If they're doing okay but have moments (or days) of depression, talk with them. Listen to them. It's okay that you don't know the answers. It's OKAY. Just listen and then ask if there is something you can do.

For me, I need an arm around my shoulder or a good strong hug. A physical touch to let me know that I am beautiful enough for physical touch. Listen to your friends who have depression ask them for specific things that you can do to help them.

Then do it.

Give them your time.

You could be exactly what they need.

Oh...it's scary how true this is of me!

Maaike took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dream..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

My Heart Smells Like Bacon

Yep. That's what I said. I was talking to myself and I said, "My heart smells like bacon." I said it wrong of course. I don't know if when one is talking to ones self that one can make incorrect word choices. Maybe I'm just crazier than I thought.

Once I did my laundry at a different laundromat and I swear my clothes smelled like bacon. But this was because I had cooked some pork tenderloin (I'm supposed to add protein into my diet and I haven't yet learned to make things with tofu) and my HOUSE smelled like bacon. But when I walked into my house, I said out loud to myself, "My heart smells like bacon."

I tried to figure out if there was any real meaning to this. Maybe if fried, my heart would smell like bacon, I don't know. Maybe due to my stress out factor, my heart is frying in my chest. Maybe old things I'm holding on to that I really should let go of are making me angry enough to have bacon heart. I don't know.

But if you find yourself saying "My heart smells like bacon" let me know the situation and maybe we can figure it out together.

You're Supposed to Tell Me I'm Pretty

Lately I have been so busy that I haven't had two minutes to myself. Sure, I make it home and have an hour or so, but usually in that hour I am doing dishes, responding to a myriad of emails (regarding props for all four shows or the focus groups I'm involved with among many other things), trying to clean my house, and find healthy things to eat.

Today, after about 5:45, I actually had the evening to myself. Well, after 8 really. I had to bake two apple pies (because we need the jars for one of the shows--and I am giving away said pies because I'm trying to eat healthier), make salt dough clay (for the same play), answer more emails, clean my apartment again, put away groceries, find more props and all that stuff that mysteriously sucks up time but doesn't show in any meaningful way.

Finally, I found some time for me. And what have I done with it? I've tried to sleep. Sleep has begun to be something that is precious to me, but always hard to find. And now I can't sleep. It's all I want to do, but I'm not sleeping. Because I have discovered that I am far more excited about helping other people make their dreams come true than I am about my own life. If I had a dream for my life that I could MAKE come true, you can bet I'd do all I could. But there is no dream for my life. That I have any kind of control over.

Daniel wants to make music. I'm there. I'll be his manager, set up shows for him, get him a back up group if he wants it, and I'm even hooking him up with a guy that edits and mixes music. His brother wants to play music too, and although I only met his brother once I know that I could get him shows, too. Another friend wants to sell his art. I could set all that up too. I believe in everyone's dreams for their lives and want to be a part of watching them succeed and make their dreams into a reality.

As for me. I just want to sleep.