My Two Daniels

(Daniel: Green Lantern)
(Daniel: Batman)

The first week of January was terrible. Every one of my plans fell apart, my body ached because of illness and heartbreak, my mind whirled over lost hopes and my spirit longed for quiet solitude. I was lost.

Slowly, ever so slowly, life started to come into focus so I could handle it again without total collapse.

Then finally this week I feel it has turned around and things are starting to look up again. For example, I bought a lottery ticket on Monday and then, that evening as I read my homework from a used book I bought on line, I was showered with four-leaf clovers. They rained down on me and filled me with joy...and hope that it means I'll win the lottery with my one ticket.

Then, to add to my joy I had dreams of both of my two best guy friends in the whole world--they are both called Daniel.

My first Daniel is a Vegetarian, Gemini, Tall, Dark, and Handsome and lives in England. (To avoid confusion for the rest of this story I’ll call him “Batman.” (Not because he’s a crime fighter, but because he has such strong toes he can actually hang upside down from them like a bat.))

My next Daniel is a Vegetarian, Gemini, Tall, Dark, and Handsome and lives here in Moscow—until he moves on to Grad school. (For the rest of this story I’ll call him “Green Lantern” not because he’s environmentally green--which he really is--but because he is actually a superhero.)

In the first dream, the Green Lantern had cloned himself and his clone was a vampire. The vampire version of him was in love with me so his first act was to turn me into a vampire. We then began terrorizing this little town we lived in. We drove a little yellow car that was in serious need of repair, but we were the happiest vampire couple ever to terrorize a tiny town.

In the second dream, Batman decided we needed to go shopping. As a challenge to make it more exciting, he picked out my outfit. Not quite what I would have chosen, but I wore it for the game. However, Batman neglected to allow me any shoes. I pointed this out and he said socks were good enough. Then we went shopping. Batman would only speak in French to old people and in Spanish to young people. But he spoke to me in English.

When I woke up I had received emails from the real versions of both of them. I love these two friends of mine so very much.

The other day I was thinking that--other than my two Daniels--I’m very glad I’m not married to any of the men I’d had crushes on…none of them were really good enough for me. When I look back, I’d still happily choose either Batman or the Green Lantern. Mostly because I know I could live my whole life with either of them and always find them fascinating and never get bored by either. (Choose your best friend and you’ll find the best match!) Further truth is that while both of them love me, neither of them is “in” love with me. In my mind that just means—as impossible as it sounds to me—that there is a guy out there who is better for me than both of them.

I guess I just need to look for a new Vegetarian, Gemini, Tall, Dark, and Handsome Daniel. I wonder what kind of superhero he’ll be?

What If You're The Last One?

Today in acting class we were assigned the Gentleman Caller scene in The Glass Menagerie. Fine. Good. It’s a very intriguing scene between a girl who desperately wants to be loved and a boy who desperately wants to be seen as someone’s hero. It’s a very beautiful scene. I have no problem with the scene itself.

The problem I have is with the kiss.

Yes, the characters—Jim and Laura—share a kiss. I don’t have a problem with kissing. And it’s not that I wouldn’t kiss any of the guys in class. They’re all wonderful actors and good friends. The problem is… The problem is, what if it’s the last kiss I receive ever in my life?

See, there was a relationship once with a man I now refer to as Voldemort. He kissed me and I didn’t want that memory to last with me, so my friend Daniel R. in England kissed me. That way, I could remember my last kiss as one from a friend who truly loves me. Everything about me. Enough so that he would kiss me so I could have a good memory.

Now I’m worried that this character kiss may be the last kiss I ever have. What if the last kiss I remember when I’m shuffling off this mortal coil is the kiss that was assigned to me in acting class? How can I look at myself as anything when the last kiss I get to remember is that someone had to be ASSIGNED to kiss me?

I don't want that to be my last kiss. And it is a MAJOR block to my being able to do this scene. Should I talk to my professor...would she understand the desperation I feel? Would she think it's nonsense? Would she say, like many of you are thinking, "oh, someone will kiss you someday! This won't be your last kiss!"

Then it starts to terrify me and it starts to seep into other aspects of my life. I wonder, "What if you're the last man I ever have a crush on?" I mean, I don't have much of a track record and as far as real crushes--ones in which I wasn’t compromising part of myself--before you, the last good one was 14 years ago. What if I don’t meet anyone again for 14 years? What if I never meet anyone and you're my last one?

I don't want my last kiss to be as Laura getting kissed by Jim. I don't want anyone to kiss me. Today I was partnered with inarguably the most handsome guy in the class (James). And the first thing I said to him, "Don't kiss me today."

"Why?"

"Because I woke up late and didn't brush my teeth."

That's a reasonable excuse.

Maybe now you can see why this is so hard for me to let go. I know it's doing me no good. But can't you see? I'm afraid it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

I Don't Want To Be A Superhero

Superheroes—no matter who they are—start out by not wanting their powers. It’s an enormous responsibility and if you think about it, it would be so much easier to stay home and watch Jeopardy! than to go out and save the world. When you have a Superhero who risks his or her life to save another, eventually society will demand more. “Why did you save so-and-so and not my brother?” “Where were you when the busload of nuns got hijacked?” “What do you mean you can’t be everywhere at once.” It would seem easier to deny your powers and just stay home.

Science Fiction author, David Brin said, “It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.” From this quote at least learn that I am sane. I don’t want power. I’ve never wanted it. In fact, I’ve always wanted to be quiet. Quiet? I know it confuses you. I’ve always wanted the loving husband, the kids who’d bring their friends over. The little house with the yard that everyone would hang out at. And I’d be quietly contented. I’d have a simple life with a love that I’d be certain of.

Despite the fact that I have never wanted nor sought power I still possess it. It seems that there is more to me than I would like to acknowledge. Power that keeps getting pointed out to me: "You are a great teacher." "You bring such happiness to those you contact." "You help others feel valued." I don't want power.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.” –Marianne Williamson

Daniel M. said that people like me. I told him that I don’t know why. I told him that I didn’t believe him. I told him that no one really likes me, they just want something from me and once they get it they’ll go away, like everyone else does.

That’s not true. I push them away because I don’t want to acknowledge that I mean anything to anyone.

Daniel R. said, “Men are intimidated by beautiful women, and that is why you don’t get asked out on dates. You are beautiful and men are dumb.” I told him that I don’t get asked out on dates because I’m too tall. I told him it’s because I’m weird and too forward. I told him that God’s punishing me for some unknown thing I did or said.

That’s not true. I don’t date because men can see the power I have within me and either know that I have a greater destiny that to be someone’s arm candy or they are, as Daniel said, intimidated by that power.

I tell everyone “It doesn’t matter if I’m here or not. No one would notice if I’m gone.”

That’s not true, either. I happen to know that I have touched people’s lives. I’m not saying that as self-aggrandizement. If you know me, you know that I’m much better at self-deprecation.

I don’t want these powers. I don’t want to make a difference in someone’s life. I want to have my little house with my husband and my cookie sheets and my birdbath. I want to make beds in the mornings and do laundry on Saturdays. I want to get my family dressed up for a photo and decorate my Christmas tree with a skeleton on top instead of an angel. I want to live in the background and just make a difference to him and the kids. That’s what I want.

Why are Superheroes always lonely? Because they know—they KNOW—that they have to make a difference to someone other than themselves. They know they can’t save everyone but that they can save someone. They are lonely because they have to be.

Don’t trust me with these powers. I don’t want them. I don’t want to be a superhero. In fact, I’ll give away everything I have: my earthly possessions, my talents, and my superpowers, to spend my life with you, in that little house where together we own a pygmy goat. And maybe some chickens. And no one expects me to save a busload of nuns.