Saturday, December 30, 2006

It's harder to compromise when you know too much.

The other day I was talking to my friend Jeff Beck on IM. He told me about a date he went on and why he wasn’t interested in dating her a second time. Then he asked me if I thought that people our age could actually have a relationship with anyone. I told him it was a matter of compromise. That in our 20’s were optimistic and feel that we can work through any difficulties that may arise, but as we get older we have more experience with things that we know won’t work. We’re more pessimistic and less willing to compromise. After every heartbreak we cross off another thing that we don’t want or and another thing we must have. Here is my example:

When I was 20 I was looking for a guy who shared my religious beliefs, was taller than me and had dark hair.

Now I’m looking for a guy who: shares my religious and political beliefs, is 6’4”, has dark hair, blue eyes and a European accent, plays acoustic guitar, likes the same kinds of movies, music, and books as me, is an artist (any medium—subject to change), is great at massages (and gives them to me only), is kind, generous, and respectful, has no debt and is willing to help me get rid of mine, has a car that works, is good at working on cars, has a job that pays well, is handy around the house, never has to be asked twice to do something, remembers my favorite color, flower, food, etc., kills bugs for me (or at least gets them out of my immediate area), makes me laugh and is either named Brian or David because those are the names my friends seem to have had luck with.

So, yes, it is possible for us older ones to have a successful relationship…it’s just a statistical improbability.


Sallyacious said...

Just so you know, I don't think the person who does things the first time you ask actually exists in real life. I think it's a fantasy construct. Sort of like the guy who changes the toilet paper roll or puts dishes in the dishwasher rather than the sink. That guy isn't real either.

Brian said...

I've been thinking the same thoughts lately. We do seem to become more jaded the older we get.

Congrats on the play. You rock.

christinemm said...

It is true we probably are "pickier" which can also be rephrased to have "higher standards" or then again, it could be said that we have "less tolerance" for people's attributues (the bad ones).

I think the best that you can do is come up with a more general wish list of personality traits, the necessary things, the "nice to have's" and then another list of "definately don't want's". Then look for someone to fit the most.

Relationships are work and they are more than being with a person whose accent we find attractive, or that plays a certain instrument. Their qualities like their hobbies and their accents and color of their hair have nothing to do with how they treat us, if the relationship itself is good or not.

I made lists like that before I met my husband. My lists were more filled with personality traits like "good listener" and "honest" and some like "likes to read, likes to learn, has a college degree, does not think that it is good to not keep learning things in life".

I did meet a good match for me, after not too much work, by looking for someone who had those qualities, rather than focusing on other things like a specific physical appearance or religious belief.

I came through to your blog as you are my ATC swap partner for "eye/face ATC".

Amy said...
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Amy said...

my pessimism has grown through the years and it has had much fodder on which feed - but deep down I think I really just want someone who makes me laugh, at myself especially, there is just not enough laughter in the world