Thursday, February 18, 2010

Love's Not a Competition, But I'm Winning!

The other day I told my sister that I don’t like love anymore. I really like like. But not love. Mostly because it never turns out for me. But also because of what it does to me...not good things.

Here’s what my mind thinks when I’m in love:

How much weight do I need to lose? If only I were a couple inches shorter! What if I have bad breath? It’s because of all my sinus problems. What if he thinks I'm a hypochondriac? What if he wants me to go to an event that I really hate? What if I hate his family? What if he hates my family? Maybe I should grow my hair out…maybe I should cut it. Dye it different colors. Am I asking too much of him? Does he want more of my time? Will he be upset if I ask for my own time and space? What if he isn't strong enough to help me with my depression? What if he thinks depression is something I can "snap out" of? Etc, etc.

Here’s what my mind thinks when I’m not in love:

Mmmm…I really love Dr. Pepper.

Besides all of that, I also get very jealous because I’ve never been in a relationship where I was secure in what the guy was feeling for me. He’d have to be very careful and never make me jealous on purpose. For example…I’ve been “over” my friend for a while but every time he mentions going on a date I still have a little pang of hurt run through me. I don’t like it. Neither does he.

So, it is true. I don’t like love anymore. Love never works. Like is good enough for me.

1 comment:

juniperbug said...

"i know there's no such thing as endless love,
it's only a joke told in very poor taste,
that somehow keeps cracking me up."

I think it's pretty normal to have those thoughts when you have a crush on someone. It's not so bad. It just means you're sincere, even if most of those things don't even matter in the long run.