Human #1–a male in his 20's
Human #2–a male in his 20's
Alien–a beautiful woman
Darkness. Shouting. The lights come up. Human #1 and Human #2 are sitting in chairs on opposite ends of the stage. Human #1 is taller than Human #2.
HUMAN #1: What the...? What...?
HUMAN #2: Who’s that?
HUMAN #1: What the...?
HUMAN #2: Who are you?
HUMAN #1: Were we...
HUMAN #2: ...abducted. By aliens.
HUMAN #1 starts shouting again.
HUMAN #2: We’ve covered that already.
HUMAN #1: Sorry Forgive me for being freaked out In your opinion, oh great one, what do we do next?
HUMAN #2: Can you get out of your chair?
HUMAN #1 tries, but cannot move out of the chair.
HUMAN #1: Nope. You?
HUMAN #2 tries.
HUMAN #2: No.
HUMAN #1: Excellent, Einstein. That worked well. Can I go back to screaming now?
HUMAN #2: Perhaps remaining calm would be better.
HUMAN #1: Calm? One minute I’m at a bank ATM trying to get twenty bucks to buy a burger, next thing I know I’m sucked up into the air and find myself stuck to a chair inside some kind of previously non-existent space ship with Mr-Perhaps-We-Should-Remain-Calm
HUMAN #1 begins shouting again. ALIEN walks in looking like the humans only she is wearing a lab coat and a large sign around her neck that reads “Alien”. And she is carrying a clipboard. She looks at the screaming human.
ALIEN: That will be enough of that.
HUMAN #1 stops shouting, but HUMAN #2 starts.
ALIEN: (to HUMAN #2) Please.
HUMAN #1: Hah Mr. Calm, “Do as I say, not as I do ” Where’s your nonchalance now?
ALIEN: Hmm “nonchalance” that’s one I haven’t heard in a while. Usually it’s just a lot of expletives. (ALIEN writes something down on the clipboard.) Ok, now on to the testing.
HUMAN #2: Testing? What do you mean testing?
HUMAN #1: Oh, man What are you going to do? (beat) No probes! No probes!
ALIEN pulls out a chair and sets it in between the two HUMANS. She stands on top of it, lifts both arms into the air. Then climbs down and sits in the chair and writes things on the clipboard.
HUMAN #1: (to HUMAN #2) This is your fault
HUMAN #2: My fault? I don’t even know you! How is it my fault?
ALIEN: Introduction commencing. (Spot lights shine down on the two humans). You were chosen due to the following specifications: you are above average intelligence. You are above average height. And you do not smoke. I have chosen you out of the 49% of humans in the male category because, in my opinion, you are worth looking at for more than 10 seconds. And, you have, at one point or another, made me laugh. (Lights return to normal)
HUMAN #2: You’ve been watching us?
ALIEN: For two months. Yes.
HUMAN #2: You think we’re handsome?
ALIEN: In my opinion. Yes. The others did not choose you.
HUMAN #1: Others?
ALIEN: The others on this ship conducting similar exercises, yes.
HUMAN #1: Who did you pick first? Me or him?
HUMAN #2: I was here first.
HUMAN #1: So, maybe she picked me first. You were just closer to the beam-up ray or whatever.
UNEMBODIED FEMALE VOICE: All specimens on board. Begin testing.
ALIEN: Test part one.
HUMAN #1: Him first He was here first (Quietly) I’m gonna pee my pants.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) It is Friday evening on Earth.
HUMAN #2: Right.
ALIEN: What were your plans? (She sits with her pen poised above the clipboard waiting for an answer.)
HUMAN #1: (To himself) All I wanted was a cheeseburger Maybe some fries. I know they’re not good for me. I should opt for a salad. I’m just leery of restaurant lettuce...it always looks so...so...
HUMAN #2: Plans?
HUMAN #1: ...sad.
For Friday evening.
(The HUMANS look at each other.)
Your plans for the evening?
HUMAN #2: I...I was going to...to go watch a movie?
ALIEN: A movie. Excellent. (Turning suddenly to HUMAN #1) And you?
HUMAN #1: All I wanted was a cheeseburger (He begins to whimper.)
ALIEN: (stands up, walks to HUMAN #1 and pats him awkwardly on top of the head) There, there. A cheeseburger, you said?
HUMAN #1: Yes.
ALIEN marches away, stands up on the chair again.
HUMAN #2: (to HUMAN #1) Pansy.
HUMAN #1: When I get out of this chair...
HUMAN #2: IF you mean. IF you get out of the chair.
HUMAN #1 makes rude gestures–as best he can since he cannot move–to HUMAN #2.
ALIEN: Test part two (Alien makes a strange shriek, jumps down and sits in the chair. Both HUMANS jump at the sound.)
HUMAN #1: I hate this.
ALIEN: You (Pointing to HUMAN #2) You were going to go see a movie. On Friday night. On Earth.
HUMAN #2: Right.
ALIEN: Were you going to invite someone?
HUMAN #2: Invite? Someone?
ALIEN: Or were you going to go by yourself?
HUMAN #2: I was going to go see a Sci-Fi. Chicks don’t dig Sci-Fi.
ALIEN: (Standing, pointing at him shouts) Generalization (Then sits again and writes this down on the clipboard.)
HUMAN #1: Hah That’s one against you
HUMAN #2: Shut up, Pee-pee pants
ALIEN: Had you considered inviting a (ALIEN does finger quotes) “chick” or did you just decide to go alone.
HUMAN #2: I...I didn’t know who to call. (Quickly adding) For...for this movie.
HUMAN #1: Mr. Calm and Collected doesn’t have a girlfriend.
HUMAN #2: What about you, Cheeseburger
ALIEN: Yes, Cheeseburger. (Turning to HUMAN #1) Were you planning on inviting someone to go with you?
HUMAN #1: Nope. (With relative confidence) I can’t afford two dinners.
ALIEN: (Standing pointing at him accusatively, shouting) Cheapskate (Then sits down and writes this in the clipboard.)
HUMAN #2: Hah You didn’t do any better than I did.
ALIEN: Did you consider inviting someone with the understanding that he or she would pay his or her own way?
HUMAN #1: Well...not really.
ALIEN: (stands up on the chair again, and shouts) Test part three (She clicks her pen several times and looks around for emphasis.) Quick fire round. (She sits down and puts the clipboard and pen on the ground under her chair.)
HUMAN #1: Quick fire?
ALIEN takes from her pocket something rather sinister looking. It is a flash light. She will shine this on the face of the human to whom she is speaking.
HUMAN #2: Geez What’s that?
ALIEN: (Turning it on and shining it in his face.) A flashlight. (She turns it on and off a couple of times in his face.) Quick fire round commencing. (To HUMAN #2) Which movie were you going to?
HUMAN #2: “The Darkness of Doom.”
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) How much is a cheeseburger?
HUMAN #1: A good one?
ALIEN: A good one.
HUMAN #1: Where I was going, about five bucks.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) What time does the late show start?
HUMAN #2: 9:45.
ALIEN: What time is it now?
HUMAN #2: (struggles to see his watch) 6:14.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) Does that include fries?
HUMAN #1: No. But a large fry, big enough to share, is two-fifty.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) Any major stars in the film.
HUMAN #2: I think just that guy that used to be a wrestler.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) Are drinks reasonably priced?
HUMAN #1: Yeah, not too bad.
ALIEN: Where is this place located?
HUMAN #1: Corner of 6th and Lincoln.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) Where is the theater in proximity to the cheeseburger place?
HUMAN #2: Um...about two maybe three blocks. Within walking distance, anyway.
ALIEN: Is parking reasonable?
HUMAN #2: Not too bad.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) Are you interested in seeing “The Darkness of Doom”?
HUMAN #1: Sure, I like those kinds of flicks.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) Do you like cheeseburgers?
HUMAN #2: I’m a vegetarian.
HUMAN #1: (Happily volunteering) They have veggie-burgers.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #1) Are they any good?
HUMAN #1: I’ve never had one, but I’ve heard others say that they’re good.
ALIEN: (To HUMAN #2) Does that work for you?
HUMAN #2: Sure.
ALIEN: (to both) If we leave now do we have time to hit both the burger place and the movie? Everyone pays their own way?
HUMAN #1: Yea, I think so.
HUMAN #2: There’s a late-late show at midnight.
HUMAN #1: That way, even if the restaurant is really busy, we’d have plenty of time.
ALIEN: (Shouting) Excellent (She turns off the flashlight and puts it in her pocket. She picks up the clipboard and writes these things down. While she is writing the HUMANS look at each other and carry on a silent “what the hell was that all about” conversation with each other. After a moment she puts the clipboard down and stands on the chair.) Test part four.
HUMAN #1: Another test?
ALIEN: (Standing on the chair, she points down at HUMAN #1) Do you have proper transportation?
HUMAN #1: I rode my bike
HUMAN #2: (Feeling superior) I have a Volvo.
ALIEN: (Turning to him) How many does it seat?
HUMAN #2: Four, fairly comfortably, five a little squished.
ALIEN: (thinking a moment) That will do. (She climbs down and writes a couple of things on the clipboard.) Where is this vehicle located?
HUMAN #2: Pretty much where you picked me up.
ALIEN: We will be there shortly. (Writes another note on the clipboard.) Excellent, testing phase one complete.
HUMAN #2: You’re...letting us go?
ALIEN: Yes. We will all get some dinner and see the movie. Together. Tonight.
HUMAN #1: You abducted us...to get a date?
ALIEN: (With confidence) It is not a date. We are all paying our own ways.
HUMAN #2: She’s got you there.
HUMAN #1: You scared the crap of out me (ALIEN looks at him strangely.) Not literally. It’s a figure of speech. (beat) If not a date, then why? Why did you abduct us
ALIEN: (unabashed) I was bored. It is Friday night, after all. And it’s not very easy to meet people in this neighborhood of the solar system. You’re all a bit... mealy. (The HUMANS realize that they can now move out of their seats. They move cautiously at first but then approach the ALIEN comfortably.)
HUMAN #1: Is this how you always get dates? I mean, by abducting a couple of guys.
ALIEN: Am I not attractive?
BOTH: (variations of) yea, yes, of course.
ALIEN: It’s just getting harder and harder to meet normal men. You guys aren’t really normal, but at least your not psychotic.
HUMAN #1: How do you know?
ALIEN: Extensive testing.
HUMAN #2: So, what happens at the end of the evening?
ALIEN: You will be given the opportunity to acquire my phone number.
HUMAN #1: Which one of us?
ALIEN: The one I choose.
HUMAN #2: How are you going to decide that?
ALIEN: There are further tests this evening.
HUMAN #1: What kind of tests?
ALIEN: Courtesy, Chivalry, Cranial Capacity, Decision making. Things like that. I’ll decide as we go along who passes and who fails.
HUMAN #1: That doesn’t sound necessarily fair.
HUMAN #2: But, strangely not that different from how it happens on earth.
HUMAN #1 nods in agreement.
ALIEN: If both of you prove inadequate, I may start over completely with a different set of men. When I get back to the ship, we,--all of the crew--are going to compare notes on the events of the evening.
HUMAN #1: Which one of us did you choose first? For the experiment? I mean, not that it really matters...but, you know.
ALIEN: Do you really want to know?
HUMAN #1: Does that mean you chose him first? I’m taller
HUMAN #2: (feeling superior) I have a car.
HUMAN #1: So do I. I...just care about the environment.
ALIEN: It is better if you do not lie.
HUMAN #2: Points in my column
HUMAN #1: (to HUMAN #2) Dork.
HUMAN #2: (To ALIEN) Do you really find us mealy? I’ve never thought of myself as mealy.
ALIEN: You haven’t? (The conversation continues as they exit)
HUMAN #1: How about idiotic?
ALIEN: Hah Sarcasm. I love it.
HUMAN #2: Does he get points for that?
They exit. Lights go down.